Denise Loves Orange

2011-11-29T01:33:00.004+08:00

jajajaaaaded

there is this black hole

it consumes

all energy, all interest in me.

leaves me restless.

leaves me empty.

uncertain.

unhappy.

my nervous system is affected

it drains me of feeling

in every way

my toes turn numb and i feel

soon will my legs

my body

my heart

i feel.

i feel too much i would think.

too much of how i am starting to not feel.

my self is a continuous cycle of disintegration.

I need an anchor.

to help me open my eyes

to unveil me from the blackness i create over my seeing.

i think i might have accidentally shut myself.

in that ditch that was caused by abandonment,

disappointment and fear.

my art saves me.

because i fail to see and only feel.

i have said many times before.

it is like an excess of feeling that is spilled through my arm onto the canvas or paper.

i feel the need for my world

to be a piece of art.

one that is like what i create.

beautiful by chance.

I need that chance to come soon.

2011-11-02T02:01:00.002+08:00

I literally froze.

but you didn't turn around.

Why were you even there

why did I even stop to stare.

2011-10-27T03:03:00.002+08:00

When black looks white

and white becomes almost a green.

The butterflies in my stomach

they died.

and are now washed away

by the acids, clogging up my gullet.

discomfort

the irony

brought upon by the same shadow

will you come again

but would you die again?

reject it.

i have been reborn, so i thought

I hope you never find your light

deceived

you and perhaps

I too, I swear it is hidden

beneath my flesh, caged precious with

sanity.

goodnight.

2011-10-14T02:38:00.002+08:00

You know,

you were closer than family.

Goodbye for good,

I guess.

I don't need this gaping hole to suck every ounce of breath I have left.

It was as though I died for a 100 days or so

as even hell kept rejecting my soul.

2011-09-20T17:41:00.000+08:00

hi.

i have neglected you for too long.

im happier.

i think

2011-04-04T00:32:00.001+08:00

i have decided i have decided!

and im very motivated

at least for now yayyy ahhaha

i have decided to

hahaa

and be really nice

and optimistic

and confident.

and then i will detach

and just

go.

bye

2011-01-08T03:36:00.002+08:00

hi. its been awhile.
i just dont know anymore.
stuff that isnt true, just slip out of my mouth so naturally when i respond to a question.
freudian slip. that is a lie?
maybe i dont even know myself anymore.
weird.

i should start blogging here.
i dont care if anyone reads.
no one remembers this blog.
and i think orange guitars are ugly.
i prefer black matt ones.

i want change really bad. but its hard when this is everywhere.
i want good change. but keep the good.
i want to win the bet ahhaa.
but i am weak willed.
i want to win my war.

i got no fast car.
but i want to fly away.

so how have i been.

ive been having really bad anxiety attacks.
in the middle of the night. after bad dreams.
leaving me really tired the next day.

i know why.
well its stopped.
because the problem has stopped.
i think. not for sure.

i stopped taking the pills for my face.
i feel less.
OH THANK GOD.
im not so emo.

today i asked if my family is normal.
because i dont think it is.
it behaves normally now.
not last time.
Thank God again.

but the m is crazy.
crazy.
drives me crazy. us crazy. gives all of us problems
it doesnt feel like a family.
but she loves me. but weirdly.
i think she is gg senile slightly.
or maybe i was too young to realise

she's spoilt. and only her way will do when she wants something.

im unhappy.
i dreaded gg to china because of this.
everything is our fault not hers.
i dreaded china because of what happened the last time
my food poisoning
and that terrible thing.
which was actually gone from my memory until she reminded me and laughed about it.

how do you laugh about something so horrifying and traumatising that you agravated.
but did not cause.
i felt so uneasy.

i am not a teenage girl living in a chaotic world.
but i really feel unhappy in my home sometimes.

when i have my own family.
i will not cause problems.
i just want a loving family ahhaa.
=(

and i will want a boy.
so i will not have to be so controlling like my parents.
and worry so much.
but then i will have a girl. after that
because girls are better haha. and pretty. and i want a pretty girl. ahah
and a handsome boy.
NO cute boy. ahah cos handsome boys might play with girls.
cute boy not so much. AHAHA
pretty and cool girl. so shed be confident ahha
and then the brother can look after the sister. ahha
and they can be best friends.

and iwill not have to worry so much.
just about finances.
or be a famous artists
and not tell my children that i am rich. ahah
ok i must have a husband too.
he dont have to be rich cos i will look after the whole family ahah.
but he must be supportive thats all.
hahaha i will tell my children that we dont have alot of money.
and teach them to spend wisely.
haha
then when i die they can have alot of money
ahaha

and we will not worry about gossips.
or religion. esp religion.
be morally educated. and learn respect.
hope there will be no financial troubles.
and go on many family holidays.
to ang moh countrys
and spot which ang mos are so handsome HAHAHAH
and pretty.
and all must learn to play an instrument.
and sing and dance HAHAHA
and not be gay about it.
wait.
im ok with that HAHA.
and if that happens. i will embrace it HAHAHAHA

fuck lah.
i just wanna jump straight to a perfect life.

i dont wanna live in
disappointment
and restrictions
and fear
and worries about things that clutter my mind
making me not think properly.

hahaa
never ever look for someone who picks out problems.
but someone who seeks out turn it into opportunities. HAHAHA
sound like businessman. HAHAHAH

aiya i want to go and die lah HAHA
like start over. ahaha
choi.

this year i just want to not worry or fear about stups
and do my best in art
and my bet HAHA
and my personal scheme
HAHAHA

u know what.
i just want my family to be normal.
or m.
to be normal.
i feel like ive been cheated of half my life.
i know my family is not the best. not good. not financially or relation wise.
but
mental wise.
we are all dying inside.
haha
m makes herself die inside for no reason and shoots it out to both of us
and my dad and i die this way aha
i know my family is crazy.
and not ideal.
its is a problem family.

because.
your family is better than mine.
=(
and i want that instead.
:/

i
feel
cheated
of a
proper life
of full potential.

=(

oh well.

i have to make a life for myself.
what if i dont.
cant.
=(

aiya fuck lah.
i just wanna make alot of friends right now.
i want to feel happy.
its like when i grew up.
i am unable to be as happy as i was before with small stuff.

stuff.
my eng failz.

HOW CAN TEACHER DONT BELIEVE I WRITE THE ESSAY MAN!!!
i put alot of effort into it!!!
plagiarism
HA
this is what u get for flowering up your words.

nvm lah at least i could give a more insightful and personal essay later on

hi i am
d

2010-06-01T03:01:00.002+08:00

sorry if i scared anyone.
or myself.

im so annoying. i learnt that today.

today im in a happier mood.

i busied myself with cheap thrills and material things

venom piercing and diana F+ damn ex. but i want it
to bring on the trip.
makes me think of happy things.
reactions from the piercing...risks of parents finding out
and pretty photos i'd produce making the 2 trips much more rewarding.

and in the morn i got a call from the company
there is a new proj
next week?
and im called to paint. with kelton.
and i get to earn money.

=) for the stuff i want

so im happy.
and another thing.

i realise i only want things that i cannot get.
and when i get it. i dont want it.
im so annoying.
not this is not a material thing. thats worse.

lets hope this mood catches up.
i really wanna make new friends.
because the old ones disappoint me?
nah they are too busy. i dont wanna intrude

ultimately depressing post

2010-05-31T03:05:00.003+08:00

you know what it means everytime i blog here.
=(

its been really bad
i know not why exactly

i just googled symptops and understanding depression
i must be a stupid girl
doing this either will make me feel sadder or maybe i was hoping i was being silly.

its been a few weeks.
since the last time i cried.
thats when it started. really.
or before that.

i always write cryptically.
but no one really reads here
so im gg to be as direct as possible

everynight before i sleep.
i cry.
and i dont know why
i do not cry.
mummy always said it was self pity and weakness
and slef pity is disgusting
and yes it is exactly that.
and im disgusting. i cannot hold and control my thoughts.
its tiring.

Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
you feel hopeless and helpless
you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

Common signs and symptoms of depression
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.

Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.

Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.

Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

aiya i have almost everything ah it sounds damn stupid tome.

when i sleep.
i wake up.
i have nightmares.
i wake up after 2 hrs cos my body suddenly becomes damn hot
and i cannot sleep.
and i lie on my bed thinking. hoping i sleep.
and i sleep only in the afternoon.

i dont feel like meeting friends.
the thought that i have an appointment comforts me
but then i just dont feel like going in the end.
i dont have anything to say to them
to entertain them, nothing to offer.
why would anyone want my company right now
if idont feel like meeting you why would you feel like meeting me.

i dont enhoy playing the guitar anymore
or singing.
cos i feel i suck. i have deproved
and learning a song takes so much more from me
i just give up halfway.

i feel hopeless and helpless.
duh.

appetite changed.
my stomach always hurts after every meal

super irritable.
by everyone
everything.
thinsg people say.
things people could have meant.

self loathing.
everything.

wishing things would be better
or come easily to me.

i dont understand things.
i dont understand why people in the world can be so stupid
or so selfish
making me dislike people.
making me dislike things im capable of.
fearing the worst.
regretting things i did not do.
i even wish sometimes i did not meet somepeople
makes life more simpler.

i hate that life is passing me by.
because i never bother to involve myself.
or if i want to i dont know how to

basically i hate that i have no control over my life right now.
because of my fear.
because of my parents.
i am 21. i have no say. i have a tracking device on my phone
i have a curfew. for no reason
i cannot go back late
my parents do not like my friends
or my activities.
they only want me to spend time with them

BUT I REALLY DISLIKE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM SOMETIMES.
ITS SO NOT FUNNY.

i dont like my home situation
which basically is
me being overprotected.
parents being stupid and fighting over stupid stuff
mum trying to organise my things when there is no need
fussing basically.
everyone is just annoying to me lah.
mum and her pantang ness
sensitivity to stupid stuff
psychoness
causing aggravation in the family.

daddy is ok to me right now
just cept the fact heis the overprotective one and just randomly does not like my friends.

that they only like me to paint realistic stuff
unreasonable.

im just unhappy with everyhting
and what bugs me the most is that

i have lost something dear to me
i dont know what it is exactly
but i feel damn empty and different
i dont know who am i really. waht i like.
what i dislike. im starting to dislike everything
im so unproductive.
i have lost that social flare in me.
i feel out of place.
even with the closest people.

with myself. even.

i wish i had something to keep me busy and constant like school

and i cannot join you in your life
because its way too differnet
and i'd never be allowed.
and i dont like it.
the crowd
the scene
the other people.
and i could never make you proud
in whatever way.

im still hoping everyhting will be change back
i'd find that piece in me
taht kept me happy. kept me sensitive to whats around
and i'd know what to do.
and it would always work and id get the reaction i want

but i really really lost it
and i dont know when
or where i lost it.
its like

i lost my luck.
=(
or worse. what made me so special
what i liked and others liked about me.
because right now.
i cant understand.
why i should even like myself.
or why i did.

i dont remember.
i dont remmeber whats good about me. what worked for me

please help me find it.
its so hard.
=(((

i dont want to be an obligation or to the world
for practice of niceness.
=(

i lost myself .
=( somewhere.

you know what i want to do.
i want to
pierce my lip
tongue i dont know
cut that damn thing under my tongue to make it longer
and then pierce it.

i want to run but im too lazy and it is boring

i want to drink and laugh
and boomz on the floor.
and be silly and stupid

and i want to smoke weed
if you have some.
because because no reason

and i want to go out and spend time with a very old good friend
because the person is a stranger to me now
and it saddens me. and i dont even know how to say hi.

i want money taht i earned.
can someone buy my paintings for a large sum.

i want to be that same girl i was in jc
when i was happy.

i want to stay out late.

i just dont want to die. really.

i want to laugh and feel like im incharge and all.

and im not stupid.
shut up.

i want to have a passion for something.

ok i want to drown in my bed and stone now
=(

wishing everything will be better just like that.

2010-05-03T18:05:00.000+08:00

I'm heading towards a great catastrophy
Where people may die soon
Inside
Or explode
Or seek shelter and run for cover
Or pretend

I don't know
But I need to observe

Because
I know
I see
I hear
I listen
I piece together
It may not be the whole truth but
Everything seems very ugly now
And there is no excuse or forgivness for choice
There were no mistakes
Just selfishness

Don't mess or hurt my friends
Espcially those who are close to me
Who I have took so long to trust and care for

This is a perfect reason why I don't trust people
People who lie to others
To me in my face
For selfishness

And all that's been told
And all that I've listened
If its forbidden
I will hold true to my word
Stays with me

So I know

Just try to lie to me
I can see through you

Today is the test of your actions, body lang. That's all that's needed
To see your true colours.

You involve my good friends.
You imvolve me.

On another note.
That thing I don't understand why.
I still dont

2010-02-19T12:19:00.001+08:00

Hey ho!
it's time to breathe.

i need the support of all my friends now.

miss the old denise.

2010-02-19T00:17:00.001+08:00

fuck.
too numb too think.
but i think i should be sad.

2010-02-08T23:30:00.001+08:00

i don't want already. :)

2010-02-06T23:38:00.003+08:00

want anot?

dont want leh.

then why still like that

like this can?
then this this this all these dun want. then ok.

dunno leh.

then i oso dunno leh.

then just like this lor.

orh.

happy?

sometimes? when all that that that dun have.
most of the time.

like fail. denise fail.

just don't neglect.
i hate.

hi 2010.

2010-01-01T21:02:00.003+08:00

hi this year.

my theme will be.

no fear.
i will be strong.

nothing is going to even break my mood.
i'd rather be apathetic than weak.

last year many things affected me.
affected my mood.
emo kid.

emoing is not fun.
never find a reason to be sad.
i dont mind a reason to be angry.

it makes me more productive i believe.

not sad. sad is never fun.
its like the life is drained out of you.
and all you wanna do is think about what made you sad in the 1st place.
self pity.
sometimes the world doesnt work the way you want it to.

then its ok.
if it doesnt work my way.
i'll find a better way.

i will.

i'd rather build walls that protect me.
than breaking them down.
in the 1st place. why did i.
to some.

you know what.
i actually dont ever.
seriously.
never entirely.

keep it that way. ahhahaa

just dont expect me to be happy all the time.

this year i will learn to grow up
and make my own mistakes and learn from them.
and love them.

only then will i learn.

i know what bad and what is good.
but i may not know what is right and what is wrong.

this year.
i go by gut.
i do what i like.
what it is to improve to succeed.
as an artist
and a person
grab opportunities.
manage time.
and when i fail.
i dont whine.
i learn and absorb and appreciate.

but never embarrass.

i can never be too catious than i already am.

discover myself.
be comfortable with how i react.
how i behave.

do what i like. wahhaha.
if i don't like it. it's unfair to me.
i wont like it. i wont try to hide that i don't.

ok and i wanna be as cool as kristen stewart ahahaha.
its like theres some kinda obssession going on...hehhehee.

i guess its also about being true to myself.
if you don't like me this way.
i guess.
its just too bad.

but im sure.. im not a bad person.
and im not asking for much.
and i dont ask what is not neccessary of other people.
i wont give any problems.

i will just be truthful.

2009-12-12T16:20:00.000+08:00

Today is your birthday.
hmmmm

2009-12-09T01:06:00.004+08:00

hi.

i feel damn emo.
1 day at home. nuaing
and i feel bummed out already =(

i miss school so bad.
and my friends.
i miss seeing familiar faces everyday.
things to talk about.
people and idiotic shit to complain about.

bumping into friends.
catching up with them.

harro eleonora!!! i miss you!!
haven't seen you in 4354635433564865 years!!!
boooooooo

i dunno whether she still got read my this blog haha.

and i realise i don't know whats happening
in my friends' lives.
life happens and people drift apart. =(

actually.
holiday happens
and maybe people just get boring.

like me.

life is so boring now.

except that i have a secret thing on tml.
(the reason why it's secret is just stupid. but heh. i'll keep it)

and that i have a job on thurs.
which i have no clue. seriously. what im doing.
but at least my friends are doing it too.

and that the guy doesnt wanna buy my painting anymore.
ccb.

and that yilin is coming back soon =)

and you know what.
besides my 7.

im drifting.
from everyone.
lasalle.
church.
band.
heh band was a choice. i believe.

and i wanna L4D2!!!! PLEASEEEEE

OMG! OH YA
AND D Kenah bullied!!! ahhahahaa
by joel and dilly on fb!!
ahaha
cos he comment on my pic
and joel wanted to make him dulan for fun
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
yayyyyy!
and then dilly so smart join in! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG. AHAHAH
I oso never ask them to
ahahha
but yay
ahahha

thoroughly amused.
im such a bitch.
ahha

2009-11-14T19:00:00.003+08:00

Secretly i want to smoke.
siao right

cos im so stress now
and everybody who is stressed is doing it.
or has started it.
so it must help right?

maybe its just that
quick break
from stress
that helps calm you down fast.

ok i dont need to smoke.
heck i initially dont like people who smoke
ALOT
but my good friends are all smokers now.
it was really tough at 1st but i dont care anymore heh.
:/

anyway you know hat is a quick break
that calms you down fast.

chocolate( WHICH IS BAD)
and just to breathe....

ok blogging helps me haha relax

and i really think im gg crazy.
i thought the crazy went away. its still there haha

2009-11-01T02:07:00.002+08:00

i think i've really let it go.
you think? aha

maybe cos i'm keeping myself occupied. it's easier.

anyway i still don't trust people that easily.
people may trust me. and im glad they do.
because thank you.
thats how i start to trust too.

but i still keep my distance.

love?

2009-10-25T01:54:00.003+08:00

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley

isnt that just so swell.

this is here because no one should know that im actually cheesy on the inside...
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
despite the outward happiness and the inner emoness
or comtemplative skepticism of the world...
and about how humans are stupid.and annoying.

i am like all other girls i dispise.
but maybe the most 10% alike.
those girly girls who care about fashion and looking cute looking pretty to attract the opp sex to look their best so people will like them.
those in cloud 9 who think that they are princessess
and that love is the only thing that can save them from their sadness.
but i try to look decent. ahah cos people have eyes. i must not look horrid. but i must not look like im trying to hard. cos im not.
and i dont like people who do. that is just grosssss.
i dress how i feel. just with eyeliner ahha.
actually i think my dressing is based on my music. ahah

actually i am the cheesiest person alive perhaps.
because i dont ever believe in looking for someone like that
i believe it just happens! HAHAHA
so annoying right. that is like the most in my own fluffy cloud world.
thats why i dont like people who keep going gaga over people they dont know just because of looks.
because. i cannot understand.

and i really agree with the above passage HAHAH (LIKE comprehension)
when did u see them stating that that person was so good looking haha.
so many reasons to love but never that particular one mentioned.
because it is not needed.=)

but of course dear lord,
do not give me a person that fits all that but looks like kenah bang down by truck can.
HHAHAHAA. WAH FAIL.hahahahahaa

they say pisces are hardcore romantics.
yet they are super idealistic.
i am a true pisces. ahaha
so true that i
dont believe in dating.
ahhaa
dont believe in trying to find something perfect in someone interesting to fit the criteria.
believe that eye candies can only be good for looking at.
and that with this attitude and trust issue.
i will be alone forever.

but it is ok. =)
because i wouldnt wanna waste my time or feelings on infatuation.

that doesnt mean i believe in fate.
because, with this attitude, id sure wouldn't know if fate was slapping me in my face.
ahaha.ok maybe i do. if think this way.
but i guess im just super blind.

so if i believe or not. it makes no difference.

you do not love with your eyes.
nor ears
nor cock or cb HAHAH
but with your heart. ahah

dont let your eyes or ears or down there ahha direct your heart. never.
but let the heart direct the way you see, hear and feel.

so cheesy huh.
that is me.
i hate this part of me. ahaha because then i'd be ordinary?
but i love cheese. literally.
maybe i ate too much.

but in this world.
i really believe anything is possible.
i believe that someone somewhere will
go against all that i believe in.
with love at 1st sight. ahha
in the cheesiest most perfect way.
ahhaa

ewww gross. ahah
eh i wanna watch 500 days of summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=(

2009-10-23T00:44:00.000+08:00

disappointed.
in so many ways.
more than you know.

2009-10-22T02:13:00.001+08:00

im not saying.
=(

2009-10-20T01:51:00.001+08:00

hi.
i should learn to appreciate life.
and not want so many things
and expect so many things
and make myself disappointed
when things don't go my way.

2009-10-18T01:46:00.000+08:00

a new friend is pissing me off.
respect my religion can!!!
respect all religion.
at least respect the choice to have a religion.

if you dont respect the religion at least respect the person and my choice.
dont go telling me im wasting my time praying to fiction.

I am more "holy" than i look.
same as i am more pissed than i appear to be.

closed minded stubborn.

i see you as a good friend. but this i cannot tahan.
really.

2009-10-11T23:11:00.003+08:00

harro.
idk why but i still feel so sad.
i dont even know if i should be.
i dont even know why i should be.

but i do.

super emo.
i drank my wine fast.
maybe i will grow up to be an alcoholic. =(

2009-10-10T21:44:00.002+08:00

fuck lah. today is so not my fucking day.
fucking being lashed
and lashing at other people when i was a bystander.

and i locked my door.
cos im so fucking pissed and sad
cos i think i may really be pmsing
or the turp has gotten into my system
and i feel very drunk for some reason

and know that any other day
if this happened i would be fine
and sane
just not all at once.

:'(

i even feel guilty feeling angry.
wtf is wrong with me.

2009-10-04T00:09:00.002+08:00

helllo....

today i had a very very very freaky dream
not in the ghost kinda way..
nor death kinda way..

but change..
kinda way.

like change in me.
kind..
not scary..but makes me think. what if one day i'd be like that?
or if i subconsciously am already?

i don't wanna sing so much in the studio already...
if not like
not special HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH
later pple sian how;..
i oso will sian..

and today i heard myself
laugh on a vid.
LIKE THE ULTIMATE HURHUR!
OMG SO GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE STILL WANNA BE MY FIREND CAN! OMG.
hahahahahaha

anyway im still affected by the little things.
blame it on the dream.

oh my brain likes to screw me upside down huh! haha

2009-10-01T13:40:00.002+08:00

hey hey.
blog that no one reads.
(much i hope aha)

i've been feeling much better lately.
because i've dropped something.
forever not sure but temporarily
leave it in a corner or something. :)

much much better.
and i slept alot.
im feeling good.

and im starting to like the Fine Arts people alot.
i always like people. in a good way..not in that romantic way aha..
i think i find everybody nice like...in the long run
if they are not selfish.
or psycho or ego.

hahah these 3 qualities i cannot tahan.
selfish psycho or ego. haha

ya anyway.
im beginning to move on with life. heheheh. took me rather long i think.
but i still hold on to the good things in life that move along in other directions cause of change.

and it's good.
right now i'm grateful.
it could be better.
but i can't have everything right.

but i can sing.
HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA.
ok ego moment.
this is as much egoistical i get.
on a secret blog. ahahahah

i don't know why i can sing.
but i know i worked hard for it.
everyday practice abit. ahah
my voice was like shit last time.
but now its better.
i imitate. i learn.
i experiment.
i scream
now my voice is fuller and abit huskier.
like like.

and one more thing.
i've grown to be more comfortable with myself.
with myself and other people. how i react.
i'm sooooo much less self conscious.
i really couldnt care less. ahaha
i dont bother to dress well. ahahah
just my hair must be nice haha

i just cannot look sooo dirty. ahah like gross.
cleanliness. aha
no need to prove anything to anyone.

I am me.
you like me.
good for you.
don't like. don't talk to me.
if you are meant to be my friend.
we will eventually be friends.
fate.
still unsure if it exists.

i have nothing to hide.
just this blog. ahha
cos its emo
and cos i need to spill. or i may explode.
and i dont wanan bother anybody.

i don't have financial problems.
i don't have family problems. anymore.
i don't have r/s problems. i have none. and never had.

but i do have problems.

time management.
changes. in others, in me.
trust issues.
motivation.
religion. in terms of enthusiasm and zeal and desire. heh.

i think the worst one is change.
but its inevitable.
I've changed.
i've become.
1. meaner. heh. i like to laugh at people.
2. kaypo-er..but not so much now
3. bias.
4. and in terms of behviour, choices, preferences, tolerance. the bars have shifted.

but its no big hooo hah..compared to all the beeeeg stuff people face in the world.

its only normal.

ok
im normal.

EEKK I DONT WANNA BE NORMAL.
nevermind if i wasnt normal.
nobody would know i was special anyway. =)

2009-09-19T11:23:00.002+08:00

i hate it when somebody constantly keeps rambling in my ear non-stop
esp negative stuff
you know anot!!!

applies to everybody

2009-09-15T02:09:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really wonder.
if im crazy.

i feel crazy.
so crazy.
i surprise myself.
and get shocked.
and shout ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
and then i hide.

please don't come near me.

i might get a heart attack.
ack.
ackk ackkk ackk ackkk.
ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk
ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackk aackk aaaaaaaaack aaaaaaaack.
how am i not dead yet?

2009-09-14T01:44:00.003+08:00

time to let go?
it would be best.
but I know I've changed because of that. the possibilities i hold.
once, in my life and I hope never to repeat again.
to anything else similar.

but
its like smoking once u start, you've never really stopped.
until u taste/feel something bad and dislike it.
regret it.
but if u haven't, you yearn for more
am i right?
i know it and feel it.
and i haven't realised the bitterness
its as if there isn't any even as each puff starts to differ
leaving me confused. stuck.
but i know the final outcome of too much
may lead to death.
we all know
yet why do we still do it?
i do not understand but i know i will die if i proceed
but i do not care.
sometimes we do what we do because we want to. no reason
we are stupid this way but happier. we think.
we know. we hope.

and i want to quit something
a different thing
don't know how
cos i've tasted the bad
but did nothing all this while.
and so i may be rotting inside each day.

i don't smoke kay.

2009-09-03T10:34:00.001+08:00

bleah.
:S
ouch.

2009-08-25T01:30:00.003+08:00

im so tired.
of everything.

painting all day.
all night.
no rest.
nothing tolook forward to

you know what i wanna do
i just wanna chill with my old friends
but its so difficult cos everyone is busy
and everyone has new friends
and everyone has their own life

and i don't wanna be the enthu kia who is always wanting everybody to meet up.
cos im bad at it lah ok.
and im oso so busy
so lames.

im finding it already tough to like clique with new people
because im having those kinda feelings where
you know a certain grp of friends can never be replaced
so lames.
but ya.

ok bye.

and im so tired.
of going for band
when we are not moving
and its also my fault.
cos im so busy

and im so tired of log sessions
because it clashes with band
and i feel like i fell out with them
even before i did physically
its like a natural siphoning process (is that the right word)
and i now need to make time to get closer to them

most direct blog post ever.

all i know is that now
i feel like i only have 3 friends.
=(

aiya im just being emo.
im so demanding huh.
expect so much.
aiya.

but tml i will be happy again.
im so lame.

2009-08-22T12:13:00.002+08:00

dear blogger.

i keep dreaming of sad things
that make me cry at night =(

why? they are not even relevant.
its like...im making myself sad.
i keep dreaming of things that will never every happen.
things that put me in the spot.

this whole week...i cried every night except for 2 days. =(
even if i cant remember my dreams. i know i cried.

and today my eyes look like they have botox.
heng ah my double eyelids are there.

why?
is it cos im hungry?
is it cos im painting too much
turpentine?
cos i saw naked girl? worried that i might see naked guy?
cos i have nothing to look forward to everyday?
besides wanting to finish my work?
stress?

before i go to sleep i always feel sad too. =(
i don't know why.

seriously.
why am i so emo.

is there some pschological reason behind this?
the dreams i mean.

2009-08-22T00:51:00.002+08:00

hello orangeguitar.

im feeling so sad =(
sian.

i feel like doodling
a sad little monster
but i have no
pencil box here
and i dont ever doodle =(

big eye monster. with small mouth.

dont know whats gg on.
why can't things be simple and easy. =(

2009-08-11T14:18:00.001+08:00

I feel strange.
strange feeling of anti-socialness.
yet i dont want to not talk to people.

again im fickle thankew.

2009-08-01T00:48:00.003+08:00

hello blogger.
imnot sad.

im simply annoyed that im such a fickle person.
i decide on things too easily.
maybe today i want this.
but tml i think...maybe i dont.
but next day i think maybe i do.

such that. i just leave things alone as it is.
afraid to change anything.
because i myself am going back and forth about the same decision all the time.
and i guess not doing anything balances everything.

stupid reasons huh.

sometimes i wish people could help me make my decision.
or more like...act upon my decision for me.
do it for me.

so i dont have to do anything.

except say yes.

but i don't ask anyone for help.
not the people who can anyways.

because there are too many judging eyes ahahaha
and yet i blog everywhere.
secret blog, open blog, locked posts.

thus i am vague. hohohoh

and all i can do is blog
and help me think
help me make a decision.
for today at least.

2009-07-26T04:14:00.004+08:00

:(

Not black not white nor grey
but flickering between the three.
Not sure where to stay. Where is safe.
where has least guilt.
where has least disappointment.

Because you don't know what you want anymore.

2009-07-20T23:39:00.002+08:00

FARKING CB!

I TYPE SO MUCH THEN DISAPPEAR!
SO BLOODY ANGRY

TO SUM IT UP.

I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE WHO I DETEST
TO THE MAX. TO THE MAX THAT WINS EVERY ANNOYING PERSON ON EARTH.

I FARKING HATE YOU.
YOU HAVE NO BRAIN
YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY
THE WAY YOU TALK AND SOUND WILL MAKE MY EAR DRUMS BURST AND I FEEL LIKE FOAMING AT MOUTH AND LIKE GO INTO FITS OR SOMETHING

IF YOU KNOW ME
I ALWAYS GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO
EVERYONE!!! SERIOUSLY!

EVERYONE.
BUT YOU ARE NOT HUMAN.
YOU ARE FUCKING DUMB. SHIT.
NO BRAIN.
WASTE THE AIR.
CB.

GOD!!!
WHY DID U MAKE SUCH A PERSON!.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND KNOW WHO DON'T LAUGH.
IM REALLY UNHAPPY.

UGH.
WILL THAT PERSON SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
AND THINK.
THINK
THINK.

JUST BLOODY THINK!!!
JUST ABIT OSO CAN!.
SAY SOMETHING HUMAN

calm down.

ok you know...how i like to observe people.
figure out how they think... their behaviour...
why do they behave like that.

well you know. I think ive done enough observing.
my eyes are burning now. thankew.. cos observe too much lah.
sore eye only.

and its the little things..that make you realise.
that person is really sick.

pride being no.1
to the max. max max. max. theres an issue.

and im tried of being the good catholic.
being nice to forgive and forget.
cos i keep doingit over and over again
and
i fucking dont care.
mayve i should just say
i fucking hate you to the idiot.

and you can say all you want about me.
or my judgement is not fair.
or i myself am not a good person.

i am being the ultimate angel trying to be the good person so many times
that what ever the idiot says will only prove to everyone else that what i say is true.

i think you
should ..

ok you know what.
can't fix you.
dont want to go near even.

hopeless case.

be honoured.
one whole post for you. eugh.
because i only dislike 3 people in the entire world.
and it takes alot.

and you win the other 2 hands down.
great success...even i never thought it possible.

dislike you so much
if you died tml
from a murder or a car crash or something.
i wouldnt shed a tear. i'd think...karma.

if suicide...
i'd think.
wah...you mean now only then wake up?!

ugly side of denise.
very anger driven.
people forgive me.
but know that

i want to break your head.
so it will fucking shut up.

2009-07-19T20:49:00.002+08:00

there are a few types of people I am afraid of.

1. very big sized guys...(intentionally buff or just height and mass)
they just frighten me ok...and normally they smell..

2. the very determined. they are young(but look mature) they are cool they are successful and they look dao and everyone wants to know them (thus they are cool)
(because im not HAHAA. failure. they win)

3. People who look at me disappointedly...

4. people who i cannot read. who i cannot understand.

why must people change? =(

but i know i have. Not in a good way.

2009-07-06T19:46:00.002+08:00

sigh.

some people just really seem to be able to disappoint me in every and maybe even any single possible way.

=(

Hope someone's lucky then.

2009-07-02T01:56:00.001+08:00

omg im so emo suddenly.
ha ha ha laugh at me.
cos i don't know why.

its like. i lost my drive in life.
nothing excites me.

bye

2009-06-30T13:52:00.000+08:00

Surprise!!!!!!!!!
=(

2009-06-19T12:36:00.002+08:00

harro. ahah
ok so about the last problem.
HAHAHHAA
its still there.
so annoying huh.
but i decided not to care.
and just be a good catholic in areas where i know i can.
HHAHAHAHAHAHA

so simple huh.
geeeze i can slap myself.
but theres stil one more thing... hmmm ugh nvm. annoying man me.

i think im a super emo kid HAHHA
like. when my lappy was taken away from me i wanted to wallow in bed for an entire week.
HAHAHHA i damn cute pls. HAHAHAHA in the end fails. lappy came back. HAHA

you know if i were to be a sec 3 again.
i'd be the ones they notify the facils as.
hard to handle. or very loud or something.
and everyone will be..oh shitt i kenah that one. =.=
HAHHAHAA

I still feel my priest is trying very hard to accept me as a youth in one of the communities, one who people are to look up to.
my dressing my loudness my overhappiness (which makes me not seem serious)
nvm lah heck lah. not gg to change my personality for anything anyone.

last time i was damn quiet leh.
like sit one corner by myself one ahha

yar anyway it feels like in council again how my principle doesnt like me.
but ur peers like you.

and my friend was quite upset with me cos i looked so playful and keep laughing
and dont look serious. but i do my work ok. you know how much i get done.. =(
and then he saw how hardworking i am in council HAHA so later he was nicer to me. HAHA
KICK UR ASS HOHOHOHOHO

ok i dunno whats my point. haha
im not sad today...
=D

There is no compromise.

2009-06-08T13:04:00.002+08:00

hello blog
i am very sad and confused. because....
well ive done some thhinking about all my beating around the bush
and i finally understood myself somehow in someway.

as to what i want in life.
there is no compromise.
2 worlds. they clash
they clash depending on the degree of involvment
and i want both.
and its botha good thing.
but not together.

sucks.
like mid life crisis. HAHAHAH
but not what am i doing in life.
more like...what i want in life but cannot get
because its not possible.

denise is spoilt that way
she must have what she wants.
im the only one who can give me what i want
self sufficient that way.

you see how im thinking bloody asshole.
God is the one providing for me i mean.

but denise is also a very determined girl.
and does not ask for stupid things she know she cant acheieve
and works hard for what she wants.

2009-06-04T17:01:00.002+08:00

HELLO STUPID SECRET BLOG WHICH I KNOW PEOPLE READ!
BUT DUNNO WHAT PEOPLE.
DONT REALLY CARE.

HAHAA

anyway im damn screwed up! HAHAHAHHAHA
never thought this would happen...again? HAHAHA
CHEEBYEEE hhaha

ANYWAY im glad my friend is in the same shit as me. HAHAHA
MAKES IT MORE WRONG BUT SO MUCH MORE COMFORTING AHHAA

why am i laughing after every sentence? HAHAHAHA

eew damn gross.
i just vomited slightly.
im sick.
=(

yarh anyway confirmation camp for sec3s is coming up in 2 weeks.
WHICH IS SO NOT HELPING THE PROBLEM
AHAHAHAA
YOUNG CHILDREN SHOULD NOT TALK TO ME.

because.
im too open for my church i feel.
too vulgar
too violent
i laugh about the wrong things
i promote wrong shit.
and im to loud.

only thing that's right with me is i dont promote smoking or drugs. HAHA
OR ANY VOODOO SHIT.
haha oh i dont promote sex oso! HAHAHAHAHHAHA eeeeeeeeee!!!
hhahah

but i do not condemn those who do or judge.
is that good or bad?

SERIOUSLY. IM TOO LOUDDDDD!!!!!!!
TOO LOUD FOR MY JC
TOO LOUD FOR MY CHURCH
like there is some level of loudness that i cannot cross HHAA

BUT IM NOT TOO LOUD FOR LASALLE YET!!! HAHAHAH
anyway you know what
im so much more quieter now.
and so much more bimbo-er.
seriously.
i think it could be the thinner.

but im too soft for my home. HAHA
i dont even talk much at home haha

actually who can be too loud for lasalle.
its like a "must" to stand out. AHHAH stand out to fit in. HAHAH
oh the irony!!! but i like itt.
thats why i lurveeeeeeeeeee my new sch. HAHAH

dont even have much bitchyness HAHA
WHICH IS AMAZING!!!!
AND THE TEACHERS ARE AS COOL AND AS LOUD.

OH I LOVE MY SCH. =)
FUCKING COOL.
just never let me cut myself or take drugs. ahha
you knoww wthe stereotype.

im super beating around the bush lah
my problem is......
why im so screwed up. isss

HAHAHAHAH DON'T TELL YOU!
ONLY 1 FRIEND KNOWS.
oh gosh.

dont know why im so happy.
i should be damn sad. =(
because because.. it feels like there is a curse. heheh heh.
=(

catch no balls?
good.
eat some fish balls.

2009-05-28T03:04:00.003+08:00

you know it's so hard to be a friend.
when you create so many opportunities
but they just dont show up.
sometimes w/o warning.
pangseh last min.

getting sick and tired.

happened before.
gone for goood that one.
she didn't need/want us.
well. it was thus reciprocated.

show face doesn't count.
esp if you don't enjoy.
why go.

oh i think im like that to best friend and group. =(
but i dont pang seh. im just busy.

maybe i just dont understand how a_______ works.
sorry.

2009-05-21T01:23:00.002+08:00

HELLO.

btw this is my secret blog ya know?
HAHHA
IF YOU KNOW THEN GOOOD FOR U LAH pretend u dunno ok.
or i will feel like...damn weird HAH

ANYWAY.
i hope that
when I die.
somebody will like shwo this to my parents or children or what.
ok maybe not.
maybe put it into a book. or show best friend.

best friend is cheryl wong sher yee ok.
HAHA

anyway i dont know if we will be best friends then or what. anyway.

shocking
things that are happening in my life now.

1. my facebook is speaking in pirate HAHA SO CUTE! =) not the point tho ahah

2. i think im Asexual. meaning. im not sexually attracted to people or dont like the idea of sex ahah. but sometimes i dont. cos i have liked people before. but never sexually. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. its all in the personality. and eww i dont liek clubbing. i just like the company and alcohol ahhaand the bass. and so maybe im not. can i just dont classify myself. cos its scary. scully ten years time im like with a transvestite. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE choi. ahah ok
anyway. truth is i know im not.
HAHA
ok depends how they define the word lah. but im just not horny. eeeee. horny means shameful sia HAH. but i got like people before..im not unfeeling. ahha

3. im feeling like a bloody bad influence within the church. with the kind of lifestyle i have. which is what im not sure. i think the life style is of one that is "very accepting". as in...i have many lesbian friends or gay friends and im not ok. but like... i love my friends! yaaaa cos they are good people. and they are starting to grow on me..esp the close ones... but coming from a youth group from a church when young children look up to you...or are "supposed to" i feel so badddddd.
like baddddd like... you knoww the church is so strict. and thats why i like it.
i know the saying..whatt nomatter what you do God loves you. but i feel that if you love God no matter what you do you will put his interests 1st you know. like tit for tat. and like...i wont give up my friends!!!!! i will be so sad. ok so they are not telling me to give up my friends..but i feel that...my friends feel that..or lets say if my friend is the church. haha in a WHOLE haha that it feels im not in very good company. and i know. HAHHA but im not smoking or sexing or what right! haha or drugging aha. ok they dont aha. but yaaaa. its just that i feel the church is such a protected place... AND I LIKE. but i have my life outside church. where i am good oso. but i accept that bad things (church wise) are normal and understandable.
BUT ITS BAD hha. and i know. but i dont care. cos its not making people sad? i dunno. so im not feeling very comfortable that im like in the "not preffered" group...cos they are not goody goody.
BUT THEN...WHAT IF YOUR FAMILY IS NOT GOODY GOODY THEN HOWWW.

ok not making sense.
but anyway point is. i love my friends ahha
and i dont like how my "good" is labeled as somewhat "bad" in church terms.

anyway i think we might all drift away. soon.
or years later
we all do. eventually.
so dont worry so much.
but i think they are afraid that i am turninggg or being led astray or something. and its annoying.

so can i be happy and just be un sexed up. HAHHA for any gender or anything.
eeeeeeeee i feel so gross. HAHA
maybe im like whats that word? genophobic? ahah like scared of sex. ahah
well only if its me lah.EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

4. omg point 3 so long..ya point 3 is that i think wheni grow up.
i will probably be crazy. and move in to my neighbours house. buangkok green. HAHAHAHHAAH NOT FUNNY!.
today i saw outside my window...turn dark for 2 secs.
maybe airplane? but i never hear anything...damn quiet..and i htought it was a dragon..anyway ive been having hallucinations about the creepy thing. that happened in dec? and my dreams can like escape my head? like the sounds of my dream still continue when im awake? and the sound is from outside my head. like scary. uncontrolled. and my dreamssss sometimes.. come true abit? or maybe im just psychic. and im scared of sleeping sometimes...or all the time..cos if i dont cover my ear with my blanket and think of stuff before i sleep...my DAMN GOOD HEARING..which actually sucks...might enable me to hear stuff that i dont wanna hear.
and theni start to have lucid dreams.

im scared... i dont wanna grow crazyyy. cos i know im not and i know its all in my mind. i think its a kind of belief that im not normal. i never thought i was. annoying huh. its like the world revolved around me. which is not. duhh. but dont you feel like it is sometimes.

and im not gg to mention it anywhere in my blog or to my friends or to my parents anymore. cos it will scare them and im just being a pain in the ass with an overactive mind...

YOU THINK I SHOULD WRITE A NOVEL? =) MAYBE I CAN EARN ALOT OF MONEY WITH MY CRAZY MIND! =) OK HYPERACTIVE.

5.i have no confidence in my future. like financially or like job wise. cos im so lazy and choosy. and i always think i will have a good future cos thats what all the fortune tellers say...ee. bad for my determination huh..like complacency. but im not scared now. cos im youngHAHHA so i must be the best in school! HAHHAHA

6. i think i should not talk so squeaky anymore. baddd for image. HAHA like i dont look cool aha. ok maybe im a loser. BUT NOT A CERTIFIED BY COMMUNITY LOSER..by myself... i say i loser. so im cooL. hahh AHAHA SHUDDAP DENISE! hahha ok but i dont wanan be 20 plus and still sound like this its like annoying.

7. i feel that when i speak normally. i acknowledge that im not 10. im 20.
thats why when i talk to myself IN MY HEAD. like now..its low..and sexayyy thankew. HAHHA its like some magical happening. ahah when i accept. it will change! haha

8. i think i have learned to deal with monster mummy....and her hurts. cos i think my heart has hardened...muahhahaa. only when it comes from her lah.

9. i think my mind. is powerful... MUAHAHAHA. LIKE..if i think hard enough..i can move objects HAHHA KIDDING i wish. hope not. ee. normal is good for me. but i think im speciallll. ahha

10. dont mind me. im just an annoying 20 year old who is in her own world. where she can do anything and is anything she believes she is.

ok.

2009-04-25T14:52:00.002+08:00

hello.
so i just read all my posts back to 1 yr ago..
wow.

so emo. HAHA

anyway that incident that happened recently.
i got over it in like 2 hrs.

i think i am becoming either super girl
or heartless =)
well no time to be sad.cos i gotta finish a whole lotta work.
and honestly i think its harder than Alvl. i different kind of tough.

so after reading allmy old posts. i realised.
1. i totally dont care or want to care about coyfoy already. give up.

2. don't wanna bring her (not coyfoy) to yiss already. cos i oso give up and find she is fine and happy and i am happy. in other words i oso give up. well i dont talk to her much but love her much.

3.im like totally immuned to the may fiasco.

4. i dont care when it will be my turn. cos im totally not interested. cos i made of stone from all the shit recently thanks.

5. i used to want tohelp other people with their problems so bad til it actually hurt...and now i just give a listening ear..and i dont know how to help anymore. i could. but i'll just listen. cos i forgot how to help. cos i dont even try to rememebr how to cos i am heartless.

6. i dare not read through my whole wonderful ordeal in yiss. cos i am too guilty =(

7. i miss sac days. where everything was funny ahah

haha lazy to read already...i bore myself HAHA
BUT IT WAS NICE TO SEE MY LIFE FLASH BEFORE MY EYES! =)
but it was quite sad really. HAHHA but its ok. this is emo blog.

anyway on a more touchy note.
now in spore there has been alot of news on LGBTs.
dunno what lahh what AWARE shit and pink dot movement.
and people all around me are turning les. or i find out they are les.
it shocking!!!! i must say.
like my old friends.
suddenly i hear they turn that way! like how come i so dum dum oso dunno.
and even in my church!!!
like seriously.
and in my sch there is like so many pls. HAHA
In sac oso EVEN MORE MANY AH! hahhaha my english is so pro
and now im not sure what my friend is. she like turned straight then become bung again ah? i dunno...really no ideaa
and now i have a few gay friends! its funneh! they so fun.
and then i just told my friend bout the pink dot event and she say she may go.
and i was like..ahhhhh!! she oso???

anyway my point is that...
this LGBT thing is like growing in spore..really.
its like a trend.
and its all around me.
and yes of course i have been thinking where do i stand.
and i have decided.
i am nonosexual.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
cos i just cant seem to like anybody for more than a few weeks.
ya really.
and i aint sexual. HAHAHHAA
and i am actually happy. yes!!!
and i dont understand why some people just need to be with another person to behappy.

but you know what!!!
last time i was BI.
HAHAHAH
pls. if you were in sac. who wasn't
HAAHHAHAHAHAA

But i always think girls are so much better looking than guys.
cos guys are sometimes very dirty and dirty and sweaty and cannot dress well.
HAHAHHAHAAH
but thats all.

and i think that all this LGBT thing...can actually spark off more easily when
your sch or work place has ugly opp sex people. HAHHAHAHAHA

LIKE CJ! CJ EVERYBODY SO GOOD LOOKING! THE GUYS! WOOH!
so much better than lasalle pls!!
haha
the gay percentage was like. 1%? HAHAHAHA

really. HAHA.

ya i just said lasalle guys suck.
YES WHAT! HAHA

THATS WHY i post here. HAHAHAHA

I HOPE NO ONE STILL READS THIS PLACE!! AHHAHA
but my stat counted put 200 hits.
since last last month.
dun care ah.

2009-04-20T20:15:00.002+08:00

no
you are the ugly one!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
i hate you!
how can you say that.
selfish.

you say i am
but what are u

i just want to rest after my days of hell
of no sleep and all work and no play.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK
i say i'll help and you say i dont mean it

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!!!

IT SEEMS THAT ALL YOU WANT TO DO
IS TO MAKE ME CRY.

and then u go follow my in my room
to shoot at me hurtful words
just because i said i dont want to move stuff
id find people for you instead.
and i dont want to paint your wall just because you know i can.
!!!!!

and when i say i will
you're not happy!

WTH
I THINK THE POINT OF THE CONVO IS JUST TO HURT ME ISSIT!!!

FUCK!

and the convo started with...
so how was the interview...

HAVEN'T YOU HEARED OF BEING TACTFUL AND UNDERSTANDING AND WORKING OUT AN AGREEMENT!

Funnily.
im feeling not as bad
this is one of the worst she's called me.
its like she herself needs more harsh words to get that feeling going for her.

ive really become more numb each day.
really.

i cry.
but its like a bodily fuction.
but i dont really feel anything
but disgust for the type of person my mum is.

i dont even care what she calls me.
cos i know.
im not doing anything bad
i do my best to be a good girl
i dont get piercings
i dont get tattoos
i dont go out late
i just stay home and do work
i dont smoke.

what.

not fair.
really

people say..people all around the world feel like you at some point
so im not gg to say no one understand me.

but i must say
no one has had a mother like mine.

she can be comapred to those psycho moms.
really.
well that. i guess ome people have
but my mothers behaviour is out of choice.

no one ever taught her how to be nice i guess.

don't be saddd

2009-01-26T23:25:00.002+08:00

delete delete delete.
now.
google cannot find me.

only one link.
will lead here.

i don't like what i say here.
it may be true.
but i don't like it.

don't worry.
things are much much better.

but now i am feeling sad
for someone else.
something similar.
but its not my business.
but i dont even dare ask if you're ok.
because its not my place
and you're not really that close a friend.
i don't even think i understand half of it.

is it so weird that i don't wanna post such happy stuff
on my nisegoeshurhur.
such that people may feel sadder...if they see people happier.

so i am posting here.

i confuse myself.
so much
so much.

but today i :)
don't worry.

because as much as i don't like my relatives..
the distant ones are..nicerr..because i don't know them well.
and i like it that way.

2009-01-04T14:09:00.002+08:00

yesterday was immensely horrible.
i never cried so terribly in such a long time..

i wanted to just dieee
i couldnt get out of it..
she kept shouting and shouting..
i was so tired..
she wouldnt listen

i wanted to just cut off my mouth for it served no purpose
i wanted to just die to make her shut upp.. to stop..
or the other way =( (i hated myself for that)

i wanted to run away..
i wanted to do something to make her regret =(
i wanted to get a tatoo
to get a girlfriend
to go and smoke
just to make her maddd and that it was her fault...

but i didnt want to touch her.

but then things changed.
and i was like
stun.
stunnnn.
until.
i even said.
I'm like... stun..

thats when i knew she loss
but not because of anything bad
but because of the truth.

and i was stun at her behaviour.
not in a sad way..but in a wth way..

i'm so mean..
i told her ..how do you expect us to be the same again.
how can i go to you anymore?
=(
she knew it was true..and she brought this upon herself.

and the best part...
all i did wrong.
to deserve this
and i will not exaggerate...
is because i go to sleep after 1am so its about 2 plus
for 3 days. in a row.

and this atomic bomb happens..
she is the catalyst of such a small issue.

she told me.
if i dont sleep
it will affect my mental health.
at such a young age
already you have sleep paralysis
and this is the reason
but if people didnt go sleep when they are tired..
whats the point.
i experienced the ghost because i coulndt sleep and tried to sleep early
so my mind was too active.
and that effort was also blamed on me.
for my previous late nights.

and then she said.
you'd have to see a psychiatrist
you'd have to quit school.
and they'd give you drugs
that make your brain DEAD
and you can't think properly

she's linking me to a mad person.
and in my head..
i already think i'm going mad.
at an exponential speed because of her shouting and shouting

and then she gets a headache and cough before she scolds me
and blames it on me..
-___-"

and all i did was sit there
let her shout at me
blind...600 degrees blind
tired
i sat there
and listend
until she made me speak
and promise her things i coulndt
and i told her that
and she cut me
until i cried.
and she kept on
cutting that wound.

until i couldnt breathe
until i wanted to die.

and she kept on.

nobody knew what was the main aim of the message
everything in the past was brought forward
i dont know if she was enjoying this
or i dont know what reason
would someone like to see someone cry til they hyperventilated and squirmed
and kept tormenting them

where is that line?

i am 20 this year
and i cried like that

and she kept on
making me.

why?
the message was already implanted
couldnt she see it from the 1st tear
why did she have to be so cruel to bring in
everything of the past

i think she needs councilling

i really wanted to run away because of her.
because she is inhuman.
no mercy no limits no guilt no being wrong
too much pride

monster.

but if i ran away..
she would attack daddy
and daddy wouldnt be so nice.
and things would not get any better.

i think i will forever have a scar.

this family is difficult
each of us is proud.
no one will submit
all will fight.
if 2 negative poles repel...
3 will cause an explosion

thats why.
i treasure when we are happy.
its almost impossible.

i never looked at her with such hatred before.
=(

sorry.

but i love her.

but she just has to know when to stop.
its so bad that i may even think she is a sadist.

2008-12-29T00:31:00.002+08:00

hello...
i haven't blogged here in awhileeee

cos i haven't cried in awhile! yay!

but then..
recently i have lost my super powers...
that make me happy all the time...

but i think i am getting meaner..
i complain alot..
and i am always unsatistfied...

nvm..
nothing is impossible with God..
and determination
follwed with stamina and sacrifice...

2008-11-01T00:49:00.001+08:00

i only blog here when i cry.
its such a childish reason.
but its heck unfair enough to cry
repeated so many times.
i feel like givining up.
never asking again til im 28
just to keep me from being disappointed
with a life that is not for me to control.

2008-07-24T00:12:00.001+08:00

WEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I FRIGGIN CRIED COS I CANNOT PUT IN MY EARRING AND IT HURTS!
FUCK.
AND I STILL CANT GET IT IN EVEN THO I HAD SO MUCH HOPE AND WAS SO DETERMINED TOOOO

THIS SUCKS! I AM A FAILURE!
I CANT GET IT IN AND IM FRIGGIN CRYING IM A LOSER
MY EAR IS GG TO FRIGGIN FALL OFF DUE TO INFECTION NOW
AND IM SO TIRED
AND MY PARENTS DONT CARE SHIT THAT MY EAR IS BLEEDING AND HAS WATER COMING OUT AND IS PAINFUL AND RED AND THEY DONT BOTHER TO HELP ME
COS THEY ARE MORE INTERESTED IN THE FRIGGIN KOREAN SHOW..

WHICH THEY CAN PAUSE! FOR A MATTER OF FACT! COS ITS ON THEIR FRIGGIN LAPTOP!

WTF IM SO ANGRY!

DADDY EVEN SHOUT AT ME! WTF IS UR PROBLEM!
INHUMAN!

IM SO ANGRY AT HIM..
I DONT WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM TML..
IM GG TO GO TO J8 TML..
WITH FRIGGIN FBTS AND A SHIRT AND BUY A DAMN EX EARING
AND I DUNNO MAKE THEM PAY FOR IT..
OMG ITS LIKE I WANT REVENGE COS IM JUST SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED AND ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THEY DONT CARE BOUT ME! SO I SHOULD JUST GO PIERCE ONE MORE HOLE.

2008-07-16T00:11:00.000+08:00

I don't see the effort.
do you.
no.
end of story.

2008-07-15T23:57:00.002+08:00

im getting really annoyed...
everybody so busy dont put all these gigs 1st
put other stuff 1st (impt ones i understand)
even normal set day for the band oso cannot...

why are we even doing such a big gig if we cant prac
why do you even wanna go for a gig and dont go prac might as well pull out and we get a sessionist.....
so much easier..

in normal cases people would just take a break..

maybe thats why i decided to finally go on a hol with my parents.
kinda feel like giving up...

if we not ready for aug 16 then we sure aint ready for 24 lah
WTF.

hey its just my view...
im being insensitive and i just dont care...
but it just seems like the rest is like that too.

fuck lah.
i feel like quitting if this goes on for ever gig.

2008-07-15T23:38:00.002+08:00

getting really pissed off...
why do u need to reason everything that is there and not there...
if its like that its like that
life sucks.

2008-06-26T01:39:00.003+08:00

Fuck lah.
Actually I'm rather pissed and disappointed.

Because I don't know whats going on.
but it affects me.
And im in no position to know.

Is this fair?
I can only guess.
And guessing makes me judge badly and i don't want to do that.

Other than that.
I hope they do not give up.
I'm hurt in a sense that I can't really do much.
Or that I have no power.
Or that my advice was not taken.

That seriously was the main reason why I gave up a good friend.
But these 2 are too precious to let go cos I love them so much.

But I feel that I should take a back seat and chill.
And let all the people who are killing me indirectly just get on with their lives and suffer in their mistakes and their inability to do what is right for whatever reason even tho it may be hard or perhaps in their blindness.

Because.
I am Sick.
And I am Tired.
Selfish aren't I?
Well thats how it started in the 1st place. I might as well learn.

And lets face it.
I am no super girl.
I can't do anything.

Only God can.
Thus I just realised I must pray.

Random:

I am mature.
But I may be blind at times.
I know I behave young.
Thats all.
But I cannot stand the immature and irresponsible.
What is your defence if you are not?
Don't give me a reason to judge badly.
For now you are given the benefit of the doubt.

Whoever still reads this.
Don't think too much.
Don't judge me.
This blog is supposed to be closed.

Remember you were never here.

And for goodness sake...don't ever think its you.
unless you know so. You don't have to think. heh.

Theres a reason why this blog is black and says emoing days ok.

You know what.
I think selfishness is my greatest enemy.
Because I have a big problem.
I just care too much and worry too much.
Just that I don't say it.
When i say it means im pissed lah.
And if im selfish. I guess it means i give up.

But this is a temporary selfishness.
For me. My vacation.
Back to apathy.

OH GOD!
Apathy??? Is back to haunt me again.
Damn.
God I need you.

I don't wanna be a selfish idiot.

2008-06-25T00:53:00.002+08:00

I feel like everyone is dying around me.

Milli's grandad..may he rest in peace and meet God.

And I feel like more are dying...........
Trying to be supergirl is draining and saddening.
But I love them too much.
Its ok.
It will be ok.
It will be ok.
I will help make it ok.

God will help.

2008-06-23T16:54:00.002+08:00

I know i've been so happy these few days...
and i haven't been involved in many bad shit.

But today I cried.
It maybe not be my problem.
But at least i feel like im still human.

And know that I love you guys very much.
very very very very much.

Don't die. =(

There's a difference between having many many friends and that small bunch of friends who mean a whole hell lot to you.

You know the saying how friends should always be there for each other?
maybe some don't.
They just see themselves.
=(

2008-06-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to think anymore...

2008-06-02T00:16:00.002+08:00

We were this close.

now it seems we are like this far apart
(stretches arms wide open till it hurts)
=(

in 15 mins
i was sad
HAPPY
sad

i know zilch bout you or what you've become or if you're still the same...

i very happy for ___________ =)
glad i'm the 1st you told. really it made me super happy.
if im in the same position. i will tell you 1st too :) but i seems like quite some time more.. heh

i had a dream where i blogged here....

i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you (ok now repeat for like 50 lines down...i can't do it. this is as close to fulfiling that dream i had. heh)

hey its just a dreammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hehe =)

mood: angry happy sad mad hopeless! ahaha

2008-06-01T23:21:00.001+08:00

I miss the coyfoy!!
alot recently!
now is coyfoy plus 3 months.
damn ahha

2008-05-22T00:32:00.002+08:00

I don't like your view on God at times...
Its hard to see God as angry...or mean...
but most of all...i see God as someone who has boundless unconditional love.
and the most he can be..is sad.. if he does it...he's sad to do it..but he does it because he love us.

=(

I would have never said such a thing...

But the convo did make me flash back to all the bad times...
where i fought with ling over God knows what..
but it was so bad we couldnt even look at each other.

and about another friend.
who was in the wrong..not to me but to someonelse...
and how i tried to help her but she wouldnt listen. and wouldnt change.
and so she hurts herself in the end.
i just gave up.
but luckily we are still friends.

and i feel like something's not right.......
like really...i don't understand why the person is behaving this way..
like huh?
i didnt do anything did i?
maybe its just me hehe

=(

and age does not say anything about experience.
God knows how much ive been thru... unless you've been thru more than me..
then ok lah... i would like to know how much sadness ive experienced in the world...
i would like to know how i rank.
but im happy with myself...i dont feel sad for myself..but for others...sometimes..
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahahhaa i dunno

i wonder who reads this anyway.
like really. read it. but just don't tell me that you do. HAHAHHA
and dont spread.
and i type rather vaguely so just dont missinterpret. ahaha

im not very emo in this post.

ok i just wanna say i love God alot alot..he is a loving God..nothing else...all actions are based on love.
God is Love.
God does not give up! OKOKOKOK! hah!

Alot to pray about.
ive got a headache

2008-05-21T00:14:00.002+08:00

I saw it.
And I became sad. Like Bam.
And then I couldnt stop staring at it.

I sent a secret prayer up above
and put my heart away
so that you could be free...

I'd rather it that way.

2008-05-17T00:23:00.001+08:00

Mannn i think im super strong. =)
maybe because I prayed.
God is Good. He is awesome =)
I love him!

And thank's to wonderful friends too =)

2008-05-14T21:59:00.002+08:00

Sigh...
This always happens to me :(
3rd time i think.
:(
But each time i get stronger! so yeah.
but this time its quite screwed up. Seriously.
When will it be my turn?

Can't wait for tues. Really.

2008-05-13T15:07:00.000+08:00

ok so i sorta guess it right.

and if you're going overseas...i'd be so sad!
imagine if i had to go =(

oh no...i feel superbly sad now. like super.

2008-05-13T10:11:00.000+08:00

I'm super bummed.

and i think my guitar sucks like shit.

2008-05-09T23:26:00.003+08:00

fuck lah.
im seriously like the bringer of bad news.
why is it always me.
my big mouth... did ______ tell you?
no what?
then i kenah tell.
and its gonna be repeated...
and i have bloody fucking headache and i hell don't feel like conferencing.
but i need to know why so sudden and fucked up.

but seriously...to cancel last min...and i have no idea why...at 1st i thought it was we chose to cancel cos of bad timing.

i'm saying it here cos im too wuss to say it in nisegoeshurhur.
ijtp carnival planning is fucked up.
no amps no keyboards.
we cant possibly bring all. what bout the other bands.. its just retarded.
and where we are playing and when...we have no idea.
what i kind of planning is this.
seriously...it a damn bad reflection on your school showing lack of responsibility and respect to other.
so far i have no problems with ijtp.
this is my 1st. so ive been seeing you guys in good light until now.

seriously if it were my sec sch sac. i'd expect it and i wouldnt even give a fuck.

i am thoroughly disappointed.
and so is the rest of the band.
pissed off.
and i really think everyone should know what's going on every step of the way.
no matter who thinks or says what or is afraid of what.
transparency is the only way for better understanding.
and to shove it all in one's face at one shot is just not very fair or even to minus out all the nitty ditty details.

its just retarded. and irresponsible and perhaps even immature.

and fatin we don't blame you at all . you did a good job and your best.

aiya shit lah. so now they didnt cancel us.
but still.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! fuck lah.

2008-05-09T00:46:00.002+08:00

I just don't understand.
what is so hard about that.

maybe im abnormal and its so easy for me.

and i really really really am hoping and praying that we can do may 16 and make it a blast with the full band and not some acoustic set.
so much practice so much hard work.

im popping amoxilins so that my throat's swelling will go down
and now i have plegmn and it makes me worry.

and i don't like to worry.
but I'd like the 1st gig...like a proper one..to be a blast... with a rockin original song to start with.

i hate envisioning something and being so happy bout it and then i can't have it.
sounds so spoilt brat-ish huh. its like sitting down at a restaurant and you've chosen what to eat but then someone decides to change place.

and people have been practising really really hard too. it would be such a waste man.
i wont blame them if they are pissed.

Lets all just pray.

and im wondering...why didnt popo ask his sergeant earlier. =( ok maybe he told me and theres a good reason. but =(

I'm hoping everything will be fine...
theres just too much effort put in to be just thrown all away.
=(

normally i wouldn't care so much.
and anything is fine with me. yes its true. but still.

and why do some people see life as such a drama.
I tell you...mine is so drama that im sick of it so i turn it into a comedy.
but thats for the audience to interpret.

I don't think anything can scare me or make me so sad anymore besides death and murder or physical injuries or rape or a breakup.
I seen and been through so many things.
That everything has just become numb. in nicer words ive become stronger.

and i've stopped crying.
i hope. its a good thing..maybe bad.

the only bad emotion i have left is anger and disappointment and perhaps jealousy.
no pity. no sadness.

But at the end of the day...when you see me... I'll always be smiling.
Theres no point worsening someone else's day.

Thats not what jesus would do. ahah

i just want everyone to be happy. that would make me happy.
and i like to be happy.
don't you. being happy makes me think clearly and not be so pissed bout life at times haah
just be happy at that moment with the people you love. ain't that good enough.

ok i dont know what im talking.

basically im just disappointed.

2008-04-28T23:35:00.002+08:00

I'm so not used to blogging here.
i think everyone thinks this blog is dead.
and many dont know it.

its dead because its my emo blog.
and when im emo i blog. so heh.

if you see this lucky you...please do not spread.
if you dont...perhaps lucky me.
but who really cares eh.

i realised when im serious...my voice changes to my singing voice.
and what i say. i seriously mean it.

i think people are great the way they are and should not change because thats who they are and thats what makes them them.
only unless how they are makes them hurt themselves...only then thats screwed up and something should be done. or if they are just evil by nature and up to no good.
they are fucked up dont bother talking to them.

but we should embrace how people are. if they are like that then good! dont see the band in people but the good. if its not how you like it. then so be it! not everyone can be happy. people must give and take. love your friends for who they are. and why worry bouth stuff so much. you are like that and you are like that thats what makes u and u who u are and thats how its good.

i dont know lah...but its good to talk things through. yes but then to the wrong person sometimes.
but i understand. and i'll do my best..but it has to be both ways.

and things are getting rather problematic with the band and our upcoming gig.
remy has Os and mother trouble and gigs at the same time so stressful.
popo has army and we dont know if he can make it for the gig till next week...and its so soon.
and joan has been so busy with airforce shes so tired on sats and getting sick.
and ansel is worrying too too much. and he has to practice singing seriously and hard to improve and harmonise. i think u need to listen to how you sound more than what people say.
and darryl...i dont know...he seems worry free. ahaha abit scary but good. i hope.

and me. my only prob now is.
i dont know what i do all day long and time is ticking.
i still have my portfolio to do and resume too.
and truth is i really hope may 16 wont clash so id get the job and gig too.
but gig comes 1st unfortunately. and not a bad unfortunately tho.

and i forsee a family problem arising. but lets hope not.
=( that would really tear me to pieces.

and i hope my shoes dont die.
and i dont want to be a nobody in life. but i cant be in cj forever.
and i really miss them loads but i think they dont care or they are too busy.
ok so i miss going to cj and waving at almost every table in the canteen during recess.
i feel like britney going crazy but not so extreme.

and i dont feel that log are my friends anymore. they just drift apart. its like they dont care abut me and whats going on in my life now..but thats partly my fault too.. cos i stopped caring too. because we all just got so caught up with school.

and i miss my seven. but i feel to busy to meet them.
why? am i so selfish?

but im so scared to go out of my house and enjoy time with friends. because i am actually stressed.
but im not doing anything im just killing myself all over and over everyday.
am i mental? seriously...

right now my priority is

1. Band and gigs
2. Portfolio
3. Resume

all is important man.... all as important just that the date line is diff.

and i miss my class people...and i feel that..

actually i just feel that... nobody cares.
and when they do...i feel that there are nagging.

like justin sim was nice enough to say denise did u do ur portfolio...and i just go yeahh yeahh but im not.. like seriously. denise.

and like. im crazy i swear.
im killing me.

what is my problem.
i seriously dont know.

i just like seeing things all happy.

like if im happy i make u happy and everyone is happy.
but if im not happy...?
i'll make myself happy.
so everyone will still be happy.
then i forget im sad till the end of the day.
and then it hits me.

like i can bluff myself... but for how long...

well i havent been emo for days..which is good.
im not really emo now. this is only like outta 10...level 4.

so Priase God...he has made me wise and strong.
in good times praise God
bad times praise God.

know that he is always there.
for you.

its whether you see him anot.

i need to change how i am procrastinating so much...its affecting me and my future and leaves me with less time to help my friends.

Hi I am Denise. I am superwoman! i want to be your friend so i can solve your problems for you because that is what i like to do.
i am crazy. but its true.
Because i love my friends and want them to be happy.
Thus I will always be happy.
:(
I don't expect anything back. I react weirdly that way.

im not mother teresa...
im just weird. trust me.

in my head i always speak with my singing voice.
its clear and low and honest.

2008-03-22T01:00:00.002+08:00

the question remains, I still do not know
amidst the unfairness and confusion
the answer is there but I cannot find it.
I refuse to.

It is already late, time cannot fix all
but perhaps it may help find some feeling
that was locked up and forgotten
but the key.

Happiness is saccarin, when God is forgotten
If one loves but cannot remember to
what is thou but a wet dirty sticker
Give me the key.

wet dirty sticker=spawn of satan with dirty wet stickers all over them

so this is my failed attempt to write a poem.
i hope its too chim to understand but i doubt so.
i had no purpose...no style no chimness no meaning.
and its too late.. my internet may be taken away from me any moment.
so i cant think to complicatedly.

it sucks.

When I find myself in times of trouble,
mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom,
let it be.

And in my hour of darkness she is
standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom,
let it be.

Let it be,
let it be,
let it be,
let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom,
let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
living in the world agree,
there will be an answer,
let it be.

For though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer.
let it be.

Let it be,
let it be,

..... And when the night is cloudy,
there is still a light,
that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow,
let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music,
mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....

Let me be.

2008-03-08T02:45:00.002+08:00

i dunno why.
this feeling of disappointment and sadness and confusion
and excitement and a whole lot of tiredness.
has made me

spill some secrets.
hahahahaa

it feels like alcohol but ur just real tired. ahah

why am i not sleeping.?

for some reason i dont want to.
i dunno but i feel afraid.

i guess when i sleep. i think alot.
and i might just cry.

2008-03-03T22:19:00.001+08:00

its not a happy birthday.
i wanted to chill by myself
ok so gg out with godma was good.
but i wanted to sit at home and play guitar.
and yar.

and i didnt want to be interrupted at every moment.
i will never be able to finish the song. im getting annoying and im starting to hate the never able to be finished song cos my parents keep shouting at me to choose wall paper cos they are so undecisive.
and i really dont care anymore. cos theywill change it again. and again.

and i really dont care.
anymore.

i just wanna do my guitar.
on my birthday.
am i weird.
i dont wanna go out to celebrate.

its not a happy birthday.

2008-02-13T01:02:00.001+08:00

ok emo post.

last day of work at topshop and topman.
i dont think i'll feel it now..but maybe later..

but yeah im gg to miss them alot..

and the timing is good.. like the busy shit starts on sat.
so praise God. really
for bringing so many different kinds of people into my life..but to find out that they are all super wonderful in each of their own ways..

im gg to miss them alot.

and i feel bad for my friend. And i cant do anything.

its time to try to spend a lil more time with God now.

and Alvls results are coming up.
it seriously sucks. like im doomed. like im freaking scared. Because its like i Know. It will turn out bad.
ive never been good at studies in JC...
seriously.

im stupid.

sucks.

i think i stopped growing at 16.
seriously..i still behave and think like im 16..maybe 15...
i like it that way.

i dont wanna grow up.
i see no point.

God please help my friend.

2008-01-24T00:27:00.000+08:00

ok i wont say sorry for being emo here..cos this is emo blog..if u dont like it please proceed to..

http://nisegoeshurhur.livejournal.com

for my everyday life..if u really bother haha

ok so im really starting to like work now...because of the friends...yes just for the friends ahha
like i really like them alot..like one family u know..and im so happy to work cos they so fun.. ahha
so quitting will be hard..unless all leave then i die lor.. haha

=(

1 quit already. =(
soon another and another and then.. =( =( =(

good luck for olvls ahha

2008-01-19T00:27:00.000+08:00

im so sad i feel like crying..i dunno why..im an emo kid..
when i dont work i feel so lonely at home i want to cry
when i work im so tired and i come home to a lonely house and i want to cry..
when im at work i feel ok and like not so tired and alright..cos ive got new friends..but when they are busy and we cant talk on the job it sucks..
when im at home i just feeel horriblee..or the journey home..cos nobodytalk to me..i have no siblings and my parents arent home..and a scary show is on but i dont really care or feel frightened..

and im starting to eat icecream after i reach home cos im hungry and sad..and this makes me more sad..means..im gg to grow fatter haha

and i dun think my superviser likes me much..
and i think im under paid..ok we all are..

and considering this is my 1st actual sales job it sucks cos i already feel like quitting..
cos its taking me away from my friends and pimpmyshoe and churchwork and i need to draw portfolios oso omg..

i really feel like quitting...
but then i wanna work somewhere else..is the same problem gg to arise again.

i think im spoilt...omg..say it isnt so!
dieeeeeeee

i should be my own boss..

what saddens me..is im too tired to read my bible at night..
and i so dont care which size fits them best of what not.

i think im so selfish and so immature and a horrible horrible stupid girl that does not know how to ..

u see i don't know..

what i do know..i just love to hang out with friends..
im just glad my new friends are..really nice..

God..please help me to grow up...
i used to be able to smile at anything and even when im feeling horrible..
maybe its cos i grew up..

maybe i should just go to neverland.....
aahahaahahaha

so dumb denise..

2007-12-20T01:20:00.000+08:00

today i wanted to tell my friend on msn.

I WANT TO BRING HER TO YISS!
then suddenly i thought of how shed whine and cry and groan and complain..that how she didnt want to be there and she that she hate me and stuff..

and then i would not be able to enjoy my time being open and praising and loving God.. cos i would be so angry at her for being so childish and horrible and spoiling my mood.

i just didnt want to bring her.
COS SHED SPOIL EVERYTHING.

and im so sad.

I thought why God made us fated to be like together for so so so long.. was because he wanted me to change her..to bring her to him.

but it seems like shes the devil's puppet controlled by selfishness materialism greed and all other stuff esp money. :(

and the thing is she doesnt care.
and doesnt want to change.

and wants me to not do well in life and grow fat and ugly and all and she tells me this openly.
and i like find it hard to laugh at how she says it there few days...its growing tiresome treating it like a joke.

when she says that.

i feel like asking her..

are you really my best friend?

God help me.

2007-12-16T23:30:00.000+08:00

So i just came back from retreat! yay! i was a facil! and i really really love my group! they so nice lah! and they really are already such muature individuals and just share so openly u know it makes u feel like a good facil yet in someways somewhat redundant. hahaha
but they so nice..

evn my facil partner simeon! small lil simeon..now so big and mature oso ah... ahahah

made so many new friends..
and experienced god in new ways

and made a few really good friends like u know we all just clicked and all.
:)

and got to see pris and paul! like so happy lah!!!
:)
and somethings that were reavealed to me shocked me outta my wits.. but the timing was just right..

and i must say.... the most memorable part of the rereat where i really felt God working through me was actually

touch time with Dan and Jac.
which was really good. and i did not expect them to come and look for me.. so thank u! really... it really helped me very much too.

I just feel super loved.
by all my friends. haha

something kinda took me surprised and confused me at one point tho. so did my friend..i saw the reaction he gave hahahaa

and I PLAYED THE BONGOS! LIKE I PRAYED TO FIND IT AND I FOUND IT AND THEN I PLAYED IT and at one point quite bad... and everyone laughed at me.
but i think i was mostly like on beat ahhaha just not enough OOOMPH!hahah

I SHALL TRY MORE AND LEARN FROM KOR KOR! it should be in the bloood! no fear! ahahha

2007-12-12T01:38:00.000+08:00

today i just apologised sincerely and it went well.
my friend got me quite angry with all his vulgarities and stuff such that even i knew it was my fault it seemed like his cos he was so vulgar and i just wanted to get back at him.

but i thought of God. hahahahahaha

and i just said sorry.

i never knew i was so proud until just now.
im glad i apologised.

because alll went well =)
God indeed has made me wiser haha

2007-12-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

ok so like i said on my non emo blog. i will blog here.
for whoever who wishes to know more about God and his wonders or are curious as to how denise can change from being bochap and whatever to someone loving God os much once again and whatever shit haha.

so yeah

this is my testimony.

ok so i went for YISS because...i dunno why.
many loggers weren't gg..
many cjcians were'nt going or sfx people.

but somehow i felt that i really should go. because i heard so much about it and all and also cos there im gg to be a facil for my church retreat a few days later.. so i couldn't have my spiritual level be lower than my participants now could i.

and gg for legion chalet made me feel even worse that the spiritual aspect was only a few minutes...when i thought i was a retreat. i even paused shoe painting to go.

so i went there only knowing that mag and joan was going and my cousin was playing in the band.

and when i went there..i really didnt know what to expect because.. i didnt know what i myself wanted out of this retreat. so many new faces and yet some familiar..yet i felt happy for coming... happy bout the choice i made.

because really deep down inside i was yearning for God once again. to feel his presence to feel his love and to feel him being so real in my life once again.
because of school, popularity, council, studies, alvls... i slowly started to neglect God in my life.. thinking that i was the only one who could help me now depending solely on myself. even though i served the catholic church through organisations like the legion of mary the acts catholic activities wing and leaven of God, i was growing spiritually dead as the oppirtunity for me to serve in mass and in school and church and prayers became somewhat routine and seemed like a chore instead that was not driven by the love for my God but by a personal sense of discipline and duty and to please those of higher autority than me...eg teachers..the school.

soon my desire for God plunged from such a high level from after my sec 4 retreat in sfx. i remember i was constantly praising God and loved to spread his words and words of comfort and always suggested that people sought God for help just beacause i loved him so much. However my class started to describe me as holy..which was alright..until i heard from my friend that someone from my class found it annoying that i was so excited about God. Being selfconscious and wanting to fit in in a new sch...it made me really really sad..that i couldnt be myself and that they did not understand how i felt about God and even thought it annoying. That trully saddened me and so fro acceptance i lowered my excitement for God such that i seemed. Normal.

it felt as though i was ashamed of God and i know i made him so sad.

unfortunately this mask worked so well that it started to become reality...
i stopped going for daily mass...its been a year and a half now..stopped praying as much until not praying at all and then to stop thinking about him at all and fearing him also.

thus i started to become emo and started to want to drink more party more have fun more go for rock concerts..basically i wanted to search for things to make me have a sense of high to fill that emptiness i felt inside. my purpose for living was a fuzzled up..once it used to be for God..now it seemed to be just me trying to find temporary highs in life that made me feel good about myself. like rejoicing in the fact that i had a lot of friends that i could sing draw and play the guitar but when i was alone at home..i really started to feel really loneyly and RETARDED im serious..that sense of lonelyness and confusion and emptiness got me crying quite a bit making me blog emo stuff and digging up my past and making me more sad.

it felt like digging up my pasts could help me feeel more alive..as hurt was such a strong emotion and it made me feel human? so basically i felt dead. then i realised i hated my life and started to pity myself that i just hated the world u know. so i practiced apathy. I decided to not care about my past my loved ones my friends..but only myself. at least it hurt less. but it made me feel emptier. and in fact it hurt me much more.

aand so after i went fro YISS..
i knew all the time God was the answer..
i just had to get the guts to start searching for him again.
but i asked myself...would he still want me? he feels so far away.
because i left him way way way behind me a year and a half ago

so i just went for the retreat.
throughout the praise and worships i could barely raise my hands..not because i didnt want to..trust me i did..but i felt i wasnt worthy or sincere enough to do so..but i wanted to badly to raise my hands to close my eyes and praise and worship him.
(believe me pnw and music mean alot to me)
but i could not because..i did not want to be a follower a fake and raise my hands just because others were because they loved him so much.

my desire to want to lift my hands up seemed more as a sign of my desperation for my spiritual life to return to the way it was instead of deep sense of surrender to him and his love which i for one found it hard to feel.

i just felt that he was so far away.

but it all started with quiet time on the 2nd day where i once again sat infront of the blessed sacrament to talk to God.

I still felt him far away..but still i finally really talked to him conversed with him..told him my deepest wants to find him once again to feel him to fill that emptiness in me. eve though he may have seemed far away ..i felt him seem more real to be with every unworthyness of me that i accept and every recognition and confession of my desires to want to love him once again and feel him. I just wanted him to come to me so i could feel his love again fill my emptiness and i wanted to just make him love me more then ever i wanted to make him proud. Then i realised that my desire for him brought him to me once again making realise and remember how helping others and building his kingdom and praying to him made me so happy and felt blessed.

So then it was healing time! haha
and so i just sat there reflecting on how what i needed healing...then as i thought back at all the past events..i realised ..i wasn't hurt anymore..i wasnt bearing that weight anymore. the past was just the past. i accept why and what and how come. For the hurt they caused me..i forgave them. and it was alright. all this time it was alright. i realised that being apathetic only made things worse...acceptance was they key and understanding and God gave me strength to accept reality.

and i could even smile.

so i just prayed for my tillasemia minor or however u spell it..some physical ailment.
and the guy was like when did it start? i said it was hereditary. he said still the falling asleep and sparks must have started due to an emotional baggage or hurt. i said i did not know. then he looked at me and said. but u should. AND WHAM I KNEW IT. it still was the parent issue thingy... i wasnt hurt by them anymore..i forgave them..but i could not forgive them for not loving each other instead.
wahhh revelation. haha

so that was that..people around me were slain some cried some laughed..the 1st time they prayed over me..i think i gave them a hard time thinking to myself that i did not need any spirtual healing because i felt fine. so i went up the the main dudes lah the old dudes to pay over me..and that was the above description lah...

although nothing happened to me i did feel God there. his love. not so much in me but more in the others around me. hehe

then OUTPOURING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!
day 3.

so like ive staretd praying..quiet time and talks really word. i found the desire in my to live for him to do his will. i even found myself ready to give my entire life for him u know! i found it crazy but really do love him so much..all the past fears...i felt i was ready to handle them right now that i was mature. in other words. i was ready to run his race. and i was excited to and desiring to.

and i told myself. and felt..i believe in him i have faith in him and i would really really love any gift the holy spirit would give to me fro it was a present from God and he knows best and it is the best and i woulkd just be so grateful. but if i dont get anything i woud undestand that probably i was not mature enough for it yet?

but secretly i wanted to have tongues to feel him and praise him ever so closely than before and thegift of prophecy to help people directly to bring them to him.

and during the praying over..i just told God...God..i offer my life to u. im ready. use me as u will.
and then i like prayed damn long until a group of intercessors came to pray over me lah...then halfway praying the girl told me..God said that nothing that you do could make me want to condemn you i think? ahha then she said he said "you are the apple of his eye" then i stated water works know..cos all i wanted was to make him proud of me and i would just be sooooooo happy and filled with love happiness and purposeness and feel real. and i was like WOAH he knows!! I FELT HIM BEING SO CLOSE SO SO CLOSE TO ME THAN EVER. and then i believe she placed her hand over my right side of my chest.(i closed me eyes) and i felt this warmness in my right side of my chairs..at 1st it was slight then it staretd to grow really really warm and obvious i could not help being confused u know then the warmth spread all the way to my heart on the left side of my chest and my whole chest was just so warm so strong was the warmness ..it did not feel hot or uncomfortable but it felt very very lovely warmeness yet the warmness was so strong u know! and then i just felt an immense sense of peace over me. i then she said.
God has chosen to give u the gift of wisdom. then i wahhhhhhhh so cool..she said it so confidently summore...but then i wanted prophecy..but then i was just so grateful for what ever God has chosen to give to me. then she said again..."God has truly chosen to give u the gift of wisdom" twice she said it...omg..i believe it to be so true and she said it with such confidence.

so after they prayed over me i just sat there thaking God telling him how much i love him how beautiful he is to me and how im so grateful and praising him and all that i listening to the rest around me praying in tongues wanted to pray in tongues too so i could u know just praise him with all my heart.

and then i felt a tingling sensation on my back on the left shoulder..as though someone rested their hand there ..there was also some pressure..i thought it maybe be lack of blood flow ahhaha then later my right hand started to tingle as well my whole right hand that was opened up in surrender as though God was hold that hand of mine. :)

and so i just asked God ..god please allow me to have the gift of tongues..
and the leader was on the mic like saying praise God ask for teh gift of tongues say hallelujah hallelujah and it will come to u if God wills it if u desire it. so i did it..and i tried saying it loud soft high low and even sang it but i could not. so i asked God what am i doing wrong why can't i? then i realised that i was concentrating in what i was saying so much that i wasnt actually prasing God iwth all my heart anymore..
so i just relaxed..and said hallelujah hallelujah again slowly not focusing on what i was saying but how i felt about God and i just said it and said it until my mouth started to move in away that did not form hallelujah ahha.. then i was like ehw hat was that so i try again..and it happened again.
and again and again even though it was start stop start stop i was so grateful that i started to praise God in my new tongues. :) praise God.

at that moment God touched me in so many ways. =) and so tangibly that words alone cannot describe it. i could just feel his love his mercy his tenderness that made me love him so much.

then day 4..

freddie gomez came..damn power lah u. talk i never fall asleep leh. ahhaha
so he was talking to us about doing Gods will and his gifts..
and so he invted those who did not recieve the gift on tongues yet to stand up and go infront and the rest will pray for u. ahha

so mag was one of the 1st to stand up to go so i so happy lah! hahha
then we prayed over the bunch of pple in tongues! haha so i wasnt a dream it was still there! and now more fluent! like my vocabulary increase by one or 2 sylabols haha so cool. it feels like walking.
and i learnt it faster than chinese! hahahah

so praise God really. She received in the end as well and was so happy. so many recieved it as well. all you have to do is have the desire and love him and ask for it. and for tongues..open ur mouth and make some noise ahaha.

God is love and i turly felt him and his love and so did everyone in the room.
i strongly encourage u guys to go for yiss next year as well if u desire for God or want to know him or seek his help. he is there for you.

and he loves you.

trust me.
would i lie to u? ahha

i just had confession.hahah so no! i wouldn't!

praise God for he is awesome and everlasting.

GO FOR SFX YOUTH RETREAT 14 TO 16 DEC! IF U WANT SMS ME OR TAG ME HERE!

2007-12-06T00:17:00.000+08:00

the feeling is..

ooooooooooooooooooooof

of air being squeezed outta ur lungs for one moment.

that word made me do it.
didnt know it would
didnt see it coming.
but then ....it didnt affect me afterwards..
just that how my sudden silence due to surprise may have been suspicious.
even though i knew before.

u know that feeling..that ur surprised even tho u know bout it but u just didnt expect it to come out so suddenly then u were startled?

i like to talk to jn.
like i can tell her stuff honestly and she wont judge me ..I LOVE U! HAHA
not unrequitted ok! hahaha

so i conclude..
im super blind or easily satisfied or incapable to love hahahaa
i think the 2nd.

2007-12-05T23:46:00.000+08:00

its called.

personal failure.
the inability to accomplish something one thought may be possible.

feels horrible.

oh well. time to get over with it..this is where thick skin comes in handy.

2007-11-18T20:59:00.001+08:00

they freaking banned me from trying to long in to my lj...
i forgot the password...bleah.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COOKIES! (as in comp cookies)

2007-11-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

so here it is. finally.

ok lah im not emo today...in fact im really happy. just that this is an emo blog.
hahaha

so dumb right.

2007-11-15T03:16:00.000+08:00

why can't you be happy or encourage me instead of belittling me when i actually am happy about something. :(
then i belittle you and then we end up with whore bitch and slut. but that bits funny.
but still. its not nice.
you make me think what i have is foolish and worthless. great thanks..your a great friend.

niether blogger nor photobucket allows me to upload the pic. =( tml tml tml..

2007-11-11T20:44:00.000+08:00

u know after a post like that. i'd go im sorry.

BUT IM NOT OK!

So yeah....i've made an lj..haha lanjiao.
http://nisegoeshurhur.livejournal.com

its gonna be a blog on non-emo ness and non- ididthistodayididthattodaysoyarnopointbutijusttellyou

yup! so its not gg to be a dumb blog. like hey. i dont like dumb blogs that inform you at 3 pm i went to the toilet and my shit looks green or

"i finally passes my gp essay for the 1st time in cj!" --great example.

so yeap.

but im not closing this blog tho. im keeping this blog for all my emo shit. yeah.
so if u dont like emo shit. go the other blog.
not like pple actually care. but yeah the nisegoeshurhur actually shows how nise goes hurhur at everything. seriously. i find everything funny. almost. seriously.
you MUST know why! IF NOT I'D JUST SEEM OVERLY INSANE.

so yeah.

this post aint emo. tis good~

BUT IM STILL A PRISONER!

ok that balances it out! ahahha

i'd add a F*** IT but. hey i wont. i warn pple 1st seee i so nice.

hahahahaha im retarded!
ok see you at nisegoeshurhur! ahha

2007-11-10T00:30:00.000+08:00

just smile.

"This Is A Call"

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like
It's all right on, as she smiles again her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

[Chorus:]
She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he thinks his life is boring,
and he fights
so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries,
but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music, 'cause he likes it that way.
He knows,
He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

[Chorus]

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
'cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

[Chorus]

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like
It's all right on,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..
and she's loud
so you won't ignore her,
because that's her biggest fear,
and she cries,
but you'll rarely see her do it.
Shee loves, but she's scared to use it.
So she hides behind the music, 'cause she likes it that way.

but hey. i know im not the only one who feels like this. so who the hell cares right. best not get pple involved.
im afraid to sit down and talk with them.
nothing good will come out of it.
if i cry. it will just get worst.
you don't know what its like. and dont ask.
just smile back.
i am happy.
i truly am.
with my friends.
im happy making others happy.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IT HURTS!
thank God i learnt to ignore..to pretend so it will go away.
and so i smile. and everyday is a happier day.
seriously i should just not try to help anybody!
i dont want past to repeat itself. thank God it stopped for As.
please dont return.

emo emo cannot take it. emo. im sure some goondusami will wonder why there is such a big empty space. if u have read this. please shut up. i need a private blog. like seriously.

thank God for all my friends who make me so happy! and feel so loved! even if they suan me or bully me or make fun of me or try to let me see some porn shit cos they are guys or even if they are my lovely seven who i cannot live without. or my juniors or my fake siblings. i thank you. really.

thank you for filling that emptiness in me above.
thank you God.

2007-11-09T23:22:00.000+08:00

I FEEL LIKE IM IN A FUCKING PRISON!

there i said it.

GOD IM 18!

cant i go on a holiday with a bunch of girls!

OR EVEN STAY OVER AFTER PROM WITH MY GODDAMIT BELOVED CLASS THAT I HAVE GROWN TO LIKE SO MUCH!

WTH!

I KNOW IM AN ONLY CHILD! YAR I KNOW! BUT IM NOT CRIMINAL! WHY AM I A PRISONER!
THIS SO UNFAIR AND RETARDED.

LIKE EVEN CHERYL CAN.

WTH.

I HATE THIS HATE THIS HATE THIS.

WAD END OF STORY. BLEAH BLEAH UNREASONABLE! ARGGGHHHH

LIKE I STUDY SO HARD AND ALL THEN I GO OCIP OSO CAN THEN I STUDENT LEADER OSO THEN I TILL NOW HAVENT DIE OSO OR EVEN WANT TO DIE OR CUT MYSELF OR SOMETHING OR EVEN GO CLUBBING OSO I NEVER GO NEVER LIE NEVER DO ANYTHING HORRIBLE YET U WANT TO LOCK ME UP FOR WHAT! DO U WANT ME TO GO AGAINST YOU!

IM NOT A FRIGGIN DOG OK!
I WONT SING WHEN U SAY SING.
OR SHOW MY SHOES WHEN U TALK BOUT MY BUSINESS
AND TALK BOUT COUNCIL
AND CHURCH STUFF

IM NOT SOMETHING BOAST ABOUT!

IM NOT A BLING!

IM A FUCKING PERSON!

2007-11-08T21:24:00.001+08:00

i think im relaxing too much.
and im getting a headache..cos i sleep too much.

its like when i see my bed i feel sleeepy.. then i lie on it and poof! ahha
even tho i just woke like 4 hrs ago. ahhaa

currently pimping my own black shoes now.. haha its the 1st pair of shoes i bought...but i did the rest 1st.. at 1st i thought it was ugly..but now its looking much nicer.. theme: music!ahah

i so bored. i should be studying but i find it oh so hard to at home.
slept at 4 yest. doing my shoe and chatting...yilin was hilarious!

Yilin: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nise: (huhh?)
Yilin: Cos got lizard!

like wth lah..

Yilin: ARE YOU OK! THANK GOD MY KEYBOARD WIRELESS!

wth yilin!!!!! hahaha she standing on chair typing haha

Nise: yes im fine! unless it somehow manages to crawl through the internet ahhaha

I WANNA GO HONG KONG WITH MY SEVEN!!!!!!!!

i need to think of delivery for my pimp my shoe.
hmmmmmm

what do u all suggest?

every sat at certain time meet at orchard mrt?
er collect at my dad's office?
er by post? but must pay for it urself which is bout 8 bucks.

how? any suggestions?

not like pple actually read my blog... =(

2007-11-07T20:56:00.001+08:00

im so freaking bored. its not good to have suck a long break til the next paper.
facebook is getting boring too.
so is friendster.
and ive finished watching all the new eps for bleach shakugan no shana and zombie loan.

(i wonder how ive come to like anime)

now all i can do is blog!.

even playing the guitar is getting boring! omg!
no wayyyyy

and singing that same old song again and again and aain just for
is super boring.
i can fall asleep halfway!

i wanna learn something new. get hooked onto something.
but i cant.
i can only get hooked on to studying ..which i cant. and getting hooked onto anything else will just make me feel guilty.

that reminds me. i want a tatoo. hahaa
i know i said i'd never get one but haha.
to me its art. aha

u know. right now. thinking plainly and simply.
id be real content.
as a future job.
or jobs.
pimping shoes.
doing gigs.
teaching guitar.
and tatooing people.
ahhahahahahaha

yup the last one is true.

sounds like im a rebel or something lah hahah.

but besides that. i wanna hang out with my friends. haha

i just dun wanna be a waitress. im too spoilt i dont wanna wash plates and get dirty. haha
but i might like work at stores.
but u know me..i wont mind working anywhere that has friends.
or people my age so i can make friends. ahha

im crazy. making friends makes me really happy.
like really.

i wanna learn the piano.
i wanna sing like juliet simms.
i wanna draw.
and get a tatoo.
and tatoo people.
and cut my hair so its stylable.
and streak one part of it green.
and learn the electric guitar.
learn to scream properly.
and make friends.
and write songs.
and for my tongue to grow longer so i can try beat boxing and not eat up my words when i sing. ahhahahaha
and i wanna go thailand and look after the babies. aha

babies make me happy!

wow i want so many many things!
but i have. none!

I AM A LOSER!'

RUHHHHHHH!

i want to be all those. OR. and damn freaking rockstar. haha
OR! A music producer!
or a fmous artist!
or an actress! haah

wahh im living in the world of mtv

OH YEAH OR A DJ!
AHHAA

mtv is influential.
but hey..there a reason i watch that and no other channel.
i love music.

heck.

i hate studying for As and its making me feel guilty!

u know..
i get bored so eaily.
if i were a sim as in the game...not like justin sim...(i can so imagine him saying..like me? ahha)
i'd be those poularity driven sims..
who social meter decreases at a super exponetial rate.

and so.
im bored!
so bored that im talking to myself!

like thats why im on msn all the time!
so pple will talk to me! hey! i dont really talk to pple! but i like it when pple talk to me ! hahaha im crazy!

heck! im an only child. i have no siblings to talk to..and my parents! u want me to talk to them? huh..crazy.. i'll just get annoyed.. ahaha
and then they'll just ask me bout As and stuff and my future and bleah.

so here i am talking to myself on my blog.
unless u are reading this..then hey! im talking to u
ahha

and that makes me happy!

talk talk talk.. ruhh..
i like to talk to people.
thats why i like to make friends!

and soooo.
im a loser!
haa

ruh ruh ruh.

do i really behave like a small kid!?
i think i do. but heck i dont think that way hahhaa
i may trust that way but not think that way.
thats why it seems i have the words "suan me" on my forehead.
if i think. i think emo.
and heck thats not a child. thats like 50/60 something depression. haha

no lah.

blogging makes me emo.

2007-11-06T23:27:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU LORD FOR MAKING MATHS PAPER 2 SUPER EASY!!!!!
:)

haha after the 1st few questions i felt damn hot ahhahaa cos i got flustered that i could do the paper so easily ahhahahaha.
hahhaha the paper made me blush!! hahaha so dumb!

denise is weird... weird... but seriously..i thought id have come down with a fever or something...i had to like fan myself in the exam hall lah..in the airconditioned exam hall ahha.

and somebody's BO was SUPER STRONG LAH! OMG

yay im so happy!

then went out with log!!! i love love love log! log is nice nice pple still! i miss gg out with log!! but i wished more couldve come ... :(

and stardust is niceeeeee!!!! haha damn funny.

the goat man damn funny! hahahaha
his name is billy! hahhaa

the story quite nice haha i thought it was damn dumb at 1st haha
but its not! its not bad! haha go watch!

(evil witch about to slash hero's throat. then she hesitates..looks around and slices the girls ropes making her free) (everybody shocked)

Nise: (confused) omg what is she doing?
soo: emoing.
Nise: what..... -____-"
(witch starts to get emo)

wth lah!!!! hahaha
but it didnt end like that lah ahaha wont spoil the show! haha

damn funny. really.

wah but i still feel quite hot leh.. like temp lah!
i think i came down with a fever haha but dun feel sick leh. ahhaha

maybe its cos of sophia. haha too much of the omg nice song. ahha

shall put it on my imeem with the alltime low and juliet simms duet hur!

"Sophia"

5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me, calling out,
Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning.
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

Passion and silence,
Every word, every line, a measure,
It's the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know...

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?
Oh, Sophia, Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

2007-11-01T22:13:00.000+08:00

Omg. Juliet simms is super shit ass cool!
shes the coolest girl rocker ever! omg omg! like really. her voice is omg. but shes not famous! why! thats not possible! rahhhh!

i love your voice!!!! how do you do it!!!

wahh
its like half really good singing half screamo.
the kinda rock music i like.

MY GAWD.

its so not fair.
you know when you try to sing like screamo..ur ur voice is kinda stuck like that..so u cant like sing sweetly...so u have to condition urself..

its not fair!
how to sing like celine dion and juliet simms at the same time..
both songs will sound like crap.

sweet song become rough...rough song become sweet.

heck i'd choose rough. but i cant even afford to try it yet. nevermind..a few more days and then i can try it out.

and i'm not talking about As..

hmm maybe it will sound nicer...NOT!

you get what i mean...

and my clb die....no more merit..merit means distiction...

haha today i was whining to my friends..

"wehhhh i cannt get merit anymore"
friends: "what??!"

not married... hahaha

2007-10-29T23:00:00.000+08:00

here i go.
spoiling my future with As.

the rubik's cube has been solved twice. not by me but by shawn hao. congratualtions..
i still cant do it. sigh.

hmm..i wonder if confidence...or even ignorance makes up for lack of content studied or question practiced.

i shall be confident tml! with alot of practice! hahahahaha

my gawd i need a cross!

YES IM GG TO BRING A CROSS TO THE EXAMS TML!
OR A ROSARY! HAHAH :)

wish me luck of pray for me!

good luck to all those who are taking their As out there!!! :)

2007-10-24T21:52:00.000+08:00

I CANNOT DOOOOO DA RUBIK'S CUBE!!!
RUHHH RUHHH RUHH!!!!

ANNOYING!!!!

AND IM GLAD ITS OVER! :)

STUDY STUDY STUDY I MUST!

2007-10-23T00:13:00.002+08:00

my horroscope said..

"There is a huge risk of overreacting today -- you may not be able to anticipate it."

wow a lil late don't ya think.
thats the problem with friendster being international...

2007-10-22T01:24:00.001+08:00

:( :( :(
You know there are times you just lie to yourself...
but i really don't know....you know how blur sotong i am.
and then it becomes your reality. And its better. Just so no one knows your side..your truth or what happened.
:'(
its all a blur.

2007-10-21T01:14:00.001+08:00