I have two fears.

Hur Hur.
12:43 AM

jajajaaaaded

Hur Hur.
1:33 AM

I literally froze.

Hur Hur.
2:01 AM

When black looks white

Hur Hur.
3:03 AM

You know,

Hur Hur.
2:38 AM

hi.

Hur Hur.
5:41 PM

i have decided i have decided!

Hur Hur.
12:32 AM

hi. its been awhile.
i just dont know anymore.
stuff that isnt true, just slip out of my mouth so naturally when i respond to a question.
freudian slip. that is a lie?
maybe i dont even know myself anymore.
weird.


i should start blogging here.
i dont care if anyone reads.
no one remembers this blog.
and i think orange guitars are ugly.
i prefer black matt ones.


i want change really bad. but its hard when this is everywhere.
i want good change. but keep the good.
i want to win the bet ahhaa.
but i am weak willed.
i want to win my war.


i got no fast car.
but i want to fly away.

so how have i been.


ive been having really bad anxiety attacks.
in the middle of the night. after bad dreams.
leaving me really tired the next day.

i know why.
well its stopped.
because the problem has stopped.
i think. not for sure.


i stopped taking the pills for my face.
i feel less.
OH THANK GOD.
im not so emo.




today i asked if my family is normal.
because i dont think it is.
it behaves normally now.
not last time.
Thank God again.

but the m is crazy.
crazy.
drives me crazy. us crazy. gives all of us problems
it doesnt feel like a family.
but she loves me. but weirdly.
i think she is gg senile slightly.
or maybe i was too young to realise

she's spoilt. and only her way will do when she wants something.



im unhappy.
i dreaded gg to china because of this.
everything is our fault not hers.
i dreaded china because of what happened the last time
my food poisoning
and that terrible thing.
which was actually gone from my memory until she reminded me and laughed about it.

how do you laugh about something so horrifying and traumatising that you agravated.
but did not cause.
i felt so uneasy.


i am not a teenage girl living in a chaotic world.
but i really feel unhappy in my home sometimes.

when i have my own family.
i will not cause problems.
i just want a loving family ahhaa.
=(

and i will want a boy.
so i will not have to be so controlling like my parents.
and worry so much.
but then i will have a girl. after that
because girls are better haha. and pretty. and i want a pretty girl. ahah
and a handsome boy.
NO cute boy. ahah cos handsome boys might play with girls.
cute boy not so much. AHAHA
pretty and cool girl. so shed be confident ahha
and then the brother can look after the sister. ahha
and they can be best friends.

and iwill not have to worry so much.
just about finances.
or be a famous artists
and not tell my children that i am rich. ahah
ok i must have a husband too.
he dont have to be rich cos i will look after the whole family ahah.
but he must be supportive thats all.
hahaha i will tell my children that we dont have alot of money.
and teach them to spend wisely.
haha
then when i die they can have alot of money
ahaha

and we will not worry about gossips.
or religion. esp religion.
be morally educated. and learn respect.
hope there will be no financial troubles.
and go on many family holidays.
to ang moh countrys
and spot which ang mos are so handsome HAHAHAH
and pretty.
and all must learn to play an instrument.
and sing and dance HAHAHA
and not be gay about it.
wait.
im ok with that HAHA.
and if that happens. i will embrace it HAHAHAHA


fuck lah.
i just wanna jump straight to a perfect life.

i dont wanna live in
disappointment
and restrictions
and fear
and worries about things that clutter my mind
making me not think properly.


hahaa
never ever look for someone who picks out problems.
but someone who seeks out turn it into opportunities. HAHAHA
sound like businessman. HAHAHAH


aiya i want to go and die lah HAHA
like start over. ahaha
choi.



this year i just want to not worry or fear about stups
and do my best in art
and my bet HAHA
and my personal scheme
HAHAHA





u know what.
i just want my family to be normal.
or m.
to be normal.
i feel like ive been cheated of half my life.
i know my family is not the best. not good. not financially or relation wise.
but
mental wise.
we are all dying inside.
haha
m makes herself die inside for no reason and shoots it out to both of us
and my dad and i die this way aha
i know my family is crazy.
and not ideal.
its is a problem family.

because.
your family is better than mine.
=(
and i want that instead.
:/



i
feel
cheated
of a
proper life
of full potential.


=(

oh well.


i have to make a life for myself.
what if i dont.
cant.
=(




aiya fuck lah.
i just wanna make alot of friends right now.
i want to feel happy.
its like when i grew up.
i am unable to be as happy as i was before with small stuff.

stuff.
my eng failz.


HOW CAN TEACHER DONT BELIEVE I WRITE THE ESSAY MAN!!!
i put alot of effort into it!!!
plagiarism
HA
this is what u get for flowering up your words.

nvm lah at least i could give a more insightful and personal essay later on






hi i am
d

Hur Hur.
3:36 AM

sorry if i scared anyone.
or myself.

im so annoying. i learnt that today.

today im in a happier mood.

i busied myself with cheap thrills and material things

venom piercing and diana F+ damn ex. but i want it
to bring on the trip.
makes me think of happy things.
reactions from the piercing...risks of parents finding out
and pretty photos i'd produce making the 2 trips much more rewarding.

and in the morn i got a call from the company
there is a new proj
next week?
and im called to paint. with kelton.
and i get to earn money.

=) for the stuff i want



so im happy.
and another thing.


i realise i only want things that i cannot get.
and when i get it. i dont want it.
im so annoying.
not this is not a material thing. thats worse.



lets hope this mood catches up.
i really wanna make new friends.
because the old ones disappoint me?
nah they are too busy. i dont wanna intrude

Hur Hur.
3:01 AM

you know what it means everytime i blog here.
=(



its been really bad
i know not why exactly

i just googled symptops and understanding depression
i must be a stupid girl
doing this either will make me feel sadder or maybe i was hoping i was being silly.


its been a few weeks.
since the last time i cried.
thats when it started. really.
or before that.

i always write cryptically.
but no one really reads here
so im gg to be as direct as possible


everynight before i sleep.
i cry.
and i dont know why
i do not cry.
mummy always said it was self pity and weakness
and slef pity is disgusting
and yes it is exactly that.
and im disgusting. i cannot hold and control my thoughts.
its tiring.

Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
you feel hopeless and helpless
you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

Common signs and symptoms of depression
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.

Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.

Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.

Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.





aiya i have almost everything ah it sounds damn stupid tome.

when i sleep.
i wake up.
i have nightmares.
i wake up after 2 hrs cos my body suddenly becomes damn hot
and i cannot sleep.
and i lie on my bed thinking. hoping i sleep.
and i sleep only in the afternoon.


i dont feel like meeting friends.
the thought that i have an appointment comforts me
but then i just dont feel like going in the end.
i dont have anything to say to them
to entertain them, nothing to offer.
why would anyone want my company right now
if idont feel like meeting you why would you feel like meeting me.

i dont enhoy playing the guitar anymore
or singing.
cos i feel i suck. i have deproved
and learning a song takes so much more from me
i just give up halfway.


i feel hopeless and helpless.
duh.

appetite changed.
my stomach always hurts after every meal


super irritable.
by everyone
everything.
thinsg people say.
things people could have meant.

self loathing.
everything.


wishing things would be better
or come easily to me.



i dont understand things.
i dont understand why people in the world can be so stupid
or so selfish
making me dislike people.
making me dislike things im capable of.
fearing the worst.
regretting things i did not do.
i even wish sometimes i did not meet somepeople
makes life more simpler.

i hate that life is passing me by.
because i never bother to involve myself.
or if i want to i dont know how to


basically i hate that i have no control over my life right now.
because of my fear.
because of my parents.
i am 21. i have no say. i have a tracking device on my phone
i have a curfew. for no reason
i cannot go back late
my parents do not like my friends
or my activities.
they only want me to spend time with them



BUT I REALLY DISLIKE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM SOMETIMES.
ITS SO NOT FUNNY.

i dont like my home situation
which basically is
me being overprotected.
parents being stupid and fighting over stupid stuff
mum trying to organise my things when there is no need
fussing basically.
everyone is just annoying to me lah.
mum and her pantang ness
sensitivity to stupid stuff
psychoness
causing aggravation in the family.

daddy is ok to me right now
just cept the fact heis the overprotective one and just randomly does not like my friends.


that they only like me to paint realistic stuff
unreasonable.



im just unhappy with everyhting
and what bugs me the most is that


i have lost something dear to me
i dont know what it is exactly
but i feel damn empty and different
i dont know who am i really. waht i like.
what i dislike. im starting to dislike everything
im so unproductive.
i have lost that social flare in me.
i feel out of place.
even with the closest people.

with myself. even.


i wish i had something to keep me busy and constant like school


and i cannot join you in your life
because its way too differnet
and i'd never be allowed.
and i dont like it.
the crowd
the scene
the other people.
and i could never make you proud
in whatever way.



im still hoping everyhting will be change back
i'd find that piece in me
taht kept me happy. kept me sensitive to whats around
and i'd know what to do.
and it would always work and id get the reaction i want

but i really really lost it
and i dont know when
or where i lost it.
its like


i lost my luck.
=(
or worse. what made me so special
what i liked and others liked about me.
because right now.
i cant understand.
why i should even like myself.
or why i did.

i dont remember.
i dont remmeber whats good about me. what worked for me


please help me find it.
its so hard.
=(((


i dont want to be an obligation or to the world
for practice of niceness.
=(


i lost myself .
=( somewhere.




you know what i want to do.
i want to
pierce my lip
tongue i dont know
cut that damn thing under my tongue to make it longer
and then pierce it.

i want to run but im too lazy and it is boring

i want to drink and laugh
and boomz on the floor.
and be silly and stupid

and i want to smoke weed
if you have some.
because because no reason

and i want to go out and spend time with a very old good friend
because the person is a stranger to me now
and it saddens me. and i dont even know how to say hi.


i want money taht i earned.
can someone buy my paintings for a large sum.


i want to be that same girl i was in jc
when i was happy.


i want to stay out late.

i just dont want to die. really.


i want to laugh and feel like im incharge and all.


and im not stupid.
shut up.

i want to have a passion for something.



ok i want to drown in my bed and stone now
=(

wishing everything will be better just like that.

Hur Hur.
3:05 AM

I'm heading towards a great catastrophy
Where people may die soon
Inside
Or explode
Or seek shelter and run for cover
Or pretend

I don't know
But I need to observe

Because
I know
I see
I hear
I listen
I piece together
It may not be the whole truth but
Everything seems very ugly now
And there is no excuse or forgivness for choice
There were no mistakes
Just selfishness

Don't mess or hurt my friends
Espcially those who are close to me
Who I have took so long to trust and care for


This is a perfect reason why I don't trust people
People who lie to others
To me in my face
For selfishness



And all that's been told
And all that I've listened
If its forbidden
I will hold true to my word
Stays with me

So I know



Just try to lie to me
I can see through you

Today is the test of your actions, body lang. That's all that's needed
To see your true colours.


You involve my good friends.
You imvolve me.




On another note.
That thing I don't understand why.
I still dont

Hur Hur.
6:05 PM

Hey ho!
it's time to breathe.

i need the support of all my friends now.



miss the old denise.

Hur Hur.
12:19 PM

fuck.
too numb too think.
but i think i should be sad.

Hur Hur.
12:17 AM

i don't want already. :)

Hur Hur.
11:30 PM

want anot?

dont want leh.

then why still like that

like this can?
then this this this all these dun want. then ok.

dunno leh.

then i oso dunno leh.


then just like this lor.

orh.

happy?

sometimes? when all that that that dun have.
most of the time.




like fail. denise fail.



just don't neglect.
i hate.

Hur Hur.
11:38 PM

hi this year.

my theme will be.

no fear.
i will be strong.


nothing is going to even break my mood.
i'd rather be apathetic than weak.


last year many things affected me.
affected my mood.
emo kid.

emoing is not fun.
never find a reason to be sad.
i dont mind a reason to be angry.

it makes me more productive i believe.


not sad. sad is never fun.
its like the life is drained out of you.
and all you wanna do is think about what made you sad in the 1st place.
self pity.
sometimes the world doesnt work the way you want it to.

then its ok.
if it doesnt work my way.
i'll find a better way.

i will.


i'd rather build walls that protect me.
than breaking them down.
in the 1st place. why did i.
to some.

you know what.
i actually dont ever.
seriously.
never entirely.

keep it that way. ahhahaa





just dont expect me to be happy all the time.




this year i will learn to grow up
and make my own mistakes and learn from them.
and love them.

only then will i learn.

i know what bad and what is good.
but i may not know what is right and what is wrong.




this year.
i go by gut.
i do what i like.
what it is to improve to succeed.
as an artist
and a person
grab opportunities.
manage time.
and when i fail.
i dont whine.
i learn and absorb and appreciate.


but never embarrass.


i can never be too catious than i already am.

discover myself.
be comfortable with how i react.
how i behave.




do what i like. wahhaha.
if i don't like it. it's unfair to me.
i wont like it. i wont try to hide that i don't.


ok and i wanna be as cool as kristen stewart ahahaha.
its like theres some kinda obssession going on...hehhehee.




i guess its also about being true to myself.
if you don't like me this way.
i guess.
its just too bad.



but im sure.. im not a bad person.
and im not asking for much.
and i dont ask what is not neccessary of other people.
i wont give any problems.


i will just be truthful.

Hur Hur.
9:02 PM

Today is your birthday.
hmmmm

Hur Hur.
4:20 PM

hi.

i feel damn emo.
1 day at home. nuaing
and i feel bummed out already =(

i miss school so bad.
and my friends.
i miss seeing familiar faces everyday.
things to talk about.
people and idiotic shit to complain about.

bumping into friends.
catching up with them.


harro eleonora!!! i miss you!!
haven't seen you in 4354635433564865 years!!!
boooooooo

i dunno whether she still got read my this blog haha.



and i realise i don't know whats happening
in my friends' lives.
life happens and people drift apart. =(




actually.
holiday happens
and maybe people just get boring.

like me.

life is so boring now.

except that i have a secret thing on tml.
(the reason why it's secret is just stupid. but heh. i'll keep it)

and that i have a job on thurs.
which i have no clue. seriously. what im doing.
but at least my friends are doing it too.




and that the guy doesnt wanna buy my painting anymore.
ccb.

and that yilin is coming back soon =)



and you know what.
besides my 7.

im drifting.
from everyone.
lasalle.
church.
band.
heh band was a choice. i believe.




and i wanna L4D2!!!! PLEASEEEEE



OMG! OH YA
AND D Kenah bullied!!! ahhahahaa
by joel and dilly on fb!!
ahaha
cos he comment on my pic
and joel wanted to make him dulan for fun
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
yayyyyy!
and then dilly so smart join in! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG. AHAHAH
I oso never ask them to
ahahha
but yay
ahahha

thoroughly amused.
im such a bitch.
ahha

Hur Hur.
1:06 AM

Secretly i want to smoke.
siao right

cos im so stress now
and everybody who is stressed is doing it.
or has started it.
so it must help right?

maybe its just that
quick break
from stress
that helps calm you down fast.


ok i dont need to smoke.
heck i initially dont like people who smoke
ALOT
but my good friends are all smokers now.
it was really tough at 1st but i dont care anymore heh.
:/

anyway you know hat is a quick break
that calms you down fast.

chocolate( WHICH IS BAD)
and just to breathe....

ok blogging helps me haha relax








and i really think im gg crazy.
i thought the crazy went away. its still there haha

Hur Hur.
7:00 PM

i think i've really let it go.
you think? aha

maybe cos i'm keeping myself occupied. it's easier.

anyway i still don't trust people that easily.
people may trust me. and im glad they do.
because thank you.
thats how i start to trust too.

but i still keep my distance.

Hur Hur.
2:07 AM

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley




















isnt that just so swell.












this is here because no one should know that im actually cheesy on the inside...
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
despite the outward happiness and the inner emoness
or comtemplative skepticism of the world...
and about how humans are stupid.and annoying.

i am like all other girls i dispise.
but maybe the most 10% alike.
those girly girls who care about fashion and looking cute looking pretty to attract the opp sex to look their best so people will like them.
those in cloud 9 who think that they are princessess
and that love is the only thing that can save them from their sadness.
but i try to look decent. ahah cos people have eyes. i must not look horrid. but i must not look like im trying to hard. cos im not.
and i dont like people who do. that is just grosssss.
i dress how i feel. just with eyeliner ahha.
actually i think my dressing is based on my music. ahah


actually i am the cheesiest person alive perhaps.
because i dont ever believe in looking for someone like that
i believe it just happens! HAHAHA
so annoying right. that is like the most in my own fluffy cloud world.
thats why i dont like people who keep going gaga over people they dont know just because of looks.
because. i cannot understand.


and i really agree with the above passage HAHAH (LIKE comprehension)
when did u see them stating that that person was so good looking haha.
so many reasons to love but never that particular one mentioned.
because it is not needed.=)

but of course dear lord,
do not give me a person that fits all that but looks like kenah bang down by truck can.
HHAHAHAA. WAH FAIL.hahahahahaa


they say pisces are hardcore romantics.
yet they are super idealistic.
i am a true pisces. ahaha
so true that i
dont believe in dating.
ahhaa
dont believe in trying to find something perfect in someone interesting to fit the criteria.
believe that eye candies can only be good for looking at.
and that with this attitude and trust issue.
i will be alone forever.

but it is ok. =)
because i wouldnt wanna waste my time or feelings on infatuation.

that doesnt mean i believe in fate.
because, with this attitude, id sure wouldn't know if fate was slapping me in my face.
ahaha.ok maybe i do. if think this way.
but i guess im just super blind.

so if i believe or not. it makes no difference.




you do not love with your eyes.
nor ears
nor cock or cb HAHAH
but with your heart. ahah





dont let your eyes or ears or down there ahha direct your heart. never.
but let the heart direct the way you see, hear and feel.



so cheesy huh.
that is me.
i hate this part of me. ahaha because then i'd be ordinary?
but i love cheese. literally.
maybe i ate too much.



but in this world.
i really believe anything is possible.
i believe that someone somewhere will
go against all that i believe in.
with love at 1st sight. ahha
in the cheesiest most perfect way.
ahhaa


ewww gross. ahah
eh i wanna watch 500 days of summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=(

Hur Hur.
1:54 AM

disappointed.
in so many ways.
more than you know.

Hur Hur.
12:44 AM

im not saying.
=(

Hur Hur.
2:13 AM

hi.
i should learn to appreciate life.
and not want so many things
and expect so many things
and make myself disappointed
when things don't go my way.

Hur Hur.
1:51 AM

a new friend is pissing me off.
respect my religion can!!!
respect all religion.
at least respect the choice to have a religion.

if you dont respect the religion at least respect the person and my choice.
dont go telling me im wasting my time praying to fiction.

I am more "holy" than i look.
same as i am more pissed than i appear to be.


closed minded stubborn.


i see you as a good friend. but this i cannot tahan.
really.

Hur Hur.
1:46 AM

harro.
idk why but i still feel so sad.
i dont even know if i should be.
i dont even know why i should be.

but i do.



super emo.
i drank my wine fast.
maybe i will grow up to be an alcoholic. =(

Hur Hur.
11:11 PM

fuck lah. today is so not my fucking day.
fucking being lashed
and lashing at other people when i was a bystander.


and i locked my door.
cos im so fucking pissed and sad
cos i think i may really be pmsing
or the turp has gotten into my system
and i feel very drunk for some reason

and know that any other day
if this happened i would be fine
and sane
just not all at once.

:'(


i even feel guilty feeling angry.
wtf is wrong with me.

Hur Hur.
9:44 PM

helllo....

today i had a very very very freaky dream
not in the ghost kinda way..
nor death kinda way..

but change..
kinda way.

like change in me.
kind..
not scary..but makes me think. what if one day i'd be like that?
or if i subconsciously am already?



i don't wanna sing so much in the studio already...
if not like
not special HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH
later pple sian how;..
i oso will sian..

and today i heard myself
laugh on a vid.
LIKE THE ULTIMATE HURHUR!
OMG SO GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE STILL WANNA BE MY FIREND CAN! OMG.
hahahahahaha


anyway im still affected by the little things.
blame it on the dream.


oh my brain likes to screw me upside down huh! haha

Hur Hur.
12:09 AM

hey hey.
blog that no one reads.
(much i hope aha)

i've been feeling much better lately.
because i've dropped something.
forever not sure but temporarily
leave it in a corner or something. :)

much much better.
and i slept alot.
im feeling good.

and im starting to like the Fine Arts people alot.
i always like people. in a good way..not in that romantic way aha..
i think i find everybody nice like...in the long run
if they are not selfish.
or psycho or ego.

hahah these 3 qualities i cannot tahan.
selfish psycho or ego. haha


ya anyway.
im beginning to move on with life. heheheh. took me rather long i think.
but i still hold on to the good things in life that move along in other directions cause of change.


and it's good.
right now i'm grateful.
it could be better.
but i can't have everything right.




but i can sing.
HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA.
ok ego moment.
this is as much egoistical i get.
on a secret blog. ahahahah


i don't know why i can sing.
but i know i worked hard for it.
everyday practice abit. ahah
my voice was like shit last time.
but now its better.
i imitate. i learn.
i experiment.
i scream
now my voice is fuller and abit huskier.
like like.



and one more thing.
i've grown to be more comfortable with myself.
with myself and other people. how i react.
i'm sooooo much less self conscious.
i really couldnt care less. ahaha
i dont bother to dress well. ahahah
just my hair must be nice haha


i just cannot look sooo dirty. ahah like gross.
cleanliness. aha
no need to prove anything to anyone.

I am me.
you like me.
good for you.
don't like. don't talk to me.
if you are meant to be my friend.
we will eventually be friends.
fate.
still unsure if it exists.



i have nothing to hide.
just this blog. ahha
cos its emo
and cos i need to spill. or i may explode.
and i dont wanan bother anybody.

i don't have financial problems.
i don't have family problems. anymore.
i don't have r/s problems. i have none. and never had.



but i do have problems.

time management.
changes. in others, in me.
trust issues.
motivation.
religion. in terms of enthusiasm and zeal and desire. heh.


i think the worst one is change.
but its inevitable.
I've changed.
i've become.
1. meaner. heh. i like to laugh at people.
2. kaypo-er..but not so much now
3. bias.
4. and in terms of behviour, choices, preferences, tolerance. the bars have shifted.

but its no big hooo hah..compared to all the beeeeg stuff people face in the world.


its only normal.

ok
im normal.

EEKK I DONT WANNA BE NORMAL.
nevermind if i wasnt normal.
nobody would know i was special anyway. =)

Hur Hur.
1:40 PM

i hate it when somebody constantly keeps rambling in my ear non-stop
esp negative stuff
you know anot!!!

applies to everybody

Hur Hur.
11:23 AM

sometimes i really wonder.
if im crazy.


i feel crazy.
so crazy.
i surprise myself.
and get shocked.
and shout ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
and then i hide.






please don't come near me.

i might get a heart attack.
ack.
ackk ackkk ackk ackkk.
ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk
ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackk aackk aaaaaaaaack aaaaaaaack.
how am i not dead yet?

Hur Hur.
2:09 AM

time to let go?
it would be best.
but I know I've changed because of that. the possibilities i hold.
once, in my life and I hope never to repeat again.
to anything else similar.


but
its like smoking once u start, you've never really stopped.
until u taste/feel something bad and dislike it.
regret it.
but if u haven't, you yearn for more
am i right?
i know it and feel it.
and i haven't realised the bitterness
its as if there isn't any even as each puff starts to differ
leaving me confused. stuck.
but i know the final outcome of too much
may lead to death.
we all know
yet why do we still do it?
i do not understand but i know i will die if i proceed
but i do not care.
sometimes we do what we do because we want to. no reason
we are stupid this way but happier. we think.
we know. we hope.



and i want to quit something
a different thing
don't know how
cos i've tasted the bad
but did nothing all this while.
and so i may be rotting inside each day.



i don't smoke kay.

Hur Hur.
1:44 AM