hi. its been awhile.
i just dont know anymore.
stuff that isnt true, just slip out of my mouth so naturally when i respond to a question.
freudian slip. that is a lie?
maybe i dont even know myself anymore.
weird.


i should start blogging here.
i dont care if anyone reads.
no one remembers this blog.
and i think orange guitars are ugly.
i prefer black matt ones.


i want change really bad. but its hard when this is everywhere.
i want good change. but keep the good.
i want to win the bet ahhaa.
but i am weak willed.
i want to win my war.


i got no fast car.
but i want to fly away.

so how have i been.


ive been having really bad anxiety attacks.
in the middle of the night. after bad dreams.
leaving me really tired the next day.

i know why.
well its stopped.
because the problem has stopped.
i think. not for sure.


i stopped taking the pills for my face.
i feel less.
OH THANK GOD.
im not so emo.




today i asked if my family is normal.
because i dont think it is.
it behaves normally now.
not last time.
Thank God again.

but the m is crazy.
crazy.
drives me crazy. us crazy. gives all of us problems
it doesnt feel like a family.
but she loves me. but weirdly.
i think she is gg senile slightly.
or maybe i was too young to realise

she's spoilt. and only her way will do when she wants something.



im unhappy.
i dreaded gg to china because of this.
everything is our fault not hers.
i dreaded china because of what happened the last time
my food poisoning
and that terrible thing.
which was actually gone from my memory until she reminded me and laughed about it.

how do you laugh about something so horrifying and traumatising that you agravated.
but did not cause.
i felt so uneasy.


i am not a teenage girl living in a chaotic world.
but i really feel unhappy in my home sometimes.

when i have my own family.
i will not cause problems.
i just want a loving family ahhaa.
=(

and i will want a boy.
so i will not have to be so controlling like my parents.
and worry so much.
but then i will have a girl. after that
because girls are better haha. and pretty. and i want a pretty girl. ahah
and a handsome boy.
NO cute boy. ahah cos handsome boys might play with girls.
cute boy not so much. AHAHA
pretty and cool girl. so shed be confident ahha
and then the brother can look after the sister. ahha
and they can be best friends.

and iwill not have to worry so much.
just about finances.
or be a famous artists
and not tell my children that i am rich. ahah
ok i must have a husband too.
he dont have to be rich cos i will look after the whole family ahah.
but he must be supportive thats all.
hahaha i will tell my children that we dont have alot of money.
and teach them to spend wisely.
haha
then when i die they can have alot of money
ahaha

and we will not worry about gossips.
or religion. esp religion.
be morally educated. and learn respect.
hope there will be no financial troubles.
and go on many family holidays.
to ang moh countrys
and spot which ang mos are so handsome HAHAHAH
and pretty.
and all must learn to play an instrument.
and sing and dance HAHAHA
and not be gay about it.
wait.
im ok with that HAHA.
and if that happens. i will embrace it HAHAHAHA


fuck lah.
i just wanna jump straight to a perfect life.

i dont wanna live in
disappointment
and restrictions
and fear
and worries about things that clutter my mind
making me not think properly.


hahaa
never ever look for someone who picks out problems.
but someone who seeks out turn it into opportunities. HAHAHA
sound like businessman. HAHAHAH


aiya i want to go and die lah HAHA
like start over. ahaha
choi.



this year i just want to not worry or fear about stups
and do my best in art
and my bet HAHA
and my personal scheme
HAHAHA





u know what.
i just want my family to be normal.
or m.
to be normal.
i feel like ive been cheated of half my life.
i know my family is not the best. not good. not financially or relation wise.
but
mental wise.
we are all dying inside.
haha
m makes herself die inside for no reason and shoots it out to both of us
and my dad and i die this way aha
i know my family is crazy.
and not ideal.
its is a problem family.

because.
your family is better than mine.
=(
and i want that instead.
:/



i
feel
cheated
of a
proper life
of full potential.


=(

oh well.


i have to make a life for myself.
what if i dont.
cant.
=(




aiya fuck lah.
i just wanna make alot of friends right now.
i want to feel happy.
its like when i grew up.
i am unable to be as happy as i was before with small stuff.

stuff.
my eng failz.


HOW CAN TEACHER DONT BELIEVE I WRITE THE ESSAY MAN!!!
i put alot of effort into it!!!
plagiarism
HA
this is what u get for flowering up your words.

nvm lah at least i could give a more insightful and personal essay later on






hi i am
d

Hur Hur.
3:36 AM