you know what it means everytime i blog here.
=(



its been really bad
i know not why exactly

i just googled symptops and understanding depression
i must be a stupid girl
doing this either will make me feel sadder or maybe i was hoping i was being silly.


its been a few weeks.
since the last time i cried.
thats when it started. really.
or before that.

i always write cryptically.
but no one really reads here
so im gg to be as direct as possible


everynight before i sleep.
i cry.
and i dont know why
i do not cry.
mummy always said it was self pity and weakness
and slef pity is disgusting
and yes it is exactly that.
and im disgusting. i cannot hold and control my thoughts.
its tiring.

Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
you feel hopeless and helpless
you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

Common signs and symptoms of depression
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.

Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.

Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.

Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.





aiya i have almost everything ah it sounds damn stupid tome.

when i sleep.
i wake up.
i have nightmares.
i wake up after 2 hrs cos my body suddenly becomes damn hot
and i cannot sleep.
and i lie on my bed thinking. hoping i sleep.
and i sleep only in the afternoon.


i dont feel like meeting friends.
the thought that i have an appointment comforts me
but then i just dont feel like going in the end.
i dont have anything to say to them
to entertain them, nothing to offer.
why would anyone want my company right now
if idont feel like meeting you why would you feel like meeting me.

i dont enhoy playing the guitar anymore
or singing.
cos i feel i suck. i have deproved
and learning a song takes so much more from me
i just give up halfway.


i feel hopeless and helpless.
duh.

appetite changed.
my stomach always hurts after every meal


super irritable.
by everyone
everything.
thinsg people say.
things people could have meant.

self loathing.
everything.


wishing things would be better
or come easily to me.



i dont understand things.
i dont understand why people in the world can be so stupid
or so selfish
making me dislike people.
making me dislike things im capable of.
fearing the worst.
regretting things i did not do.
i even wish sometimes i did not meet somepeople
makes life more simpler.

i hate that life is passing me by.
because i never bother to involve myself.
or if i want to i dont know how to


basically i hate that i have no control over my life right now.
because of my fear.
because of my parents.
i am 21. i have no say. i have a tracking device on my phone
i have a curfew. for no reason
i cannot go back late
my parents do not like my friends
or my activities.
they only want me to spend time with them



BUT I REALLY DISLIKE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM SOMETIMES.
ITS SO NOT FUNNY.

i dont like my home situation
which basically is
me being overprotected.
parents being stupid and fighting over stupid stuff
mum trying to organise my things when there is no need
fussing basically.
everyone is just annoying to me lah.
mum and her pantang ness
sensitivity to stupid stuff
psychoness
causing aggravation in the family.

daddy is ok to me right now
just cept the fact heis the overprotective one and just randomly does not like my friends.


that they only like me to paint realistic stuff
unreasonable.



im just unhappy with everyhting
and what bugs me the most is that


i have lost something dear to me
i dont know what it is exactly
but i feel damn empty and different
i dont know who am i really. waht i like.
what i dislike. im starting to dislike everything
im so unproductive.
i have lost that social flare in me.
i feel out of place.
even with the closest people.

with myself. even.


i wish i had something to keep me busy and constant like school


and i cannot join you in your life
because its way too differnet
and i'd never be allowed.
and i dont like it.
the crowd
the scene
the other people.
and i could never make you proud
in whatever way.



im still hoping everyhting will be change back
i'd find that piece in me
taht kept me happy. kept me sensitive to whats around
and i'd know what to do.
and it would always work and id get the reaction i want

but i really really lost it
and i dont know when
or where i lost it.
its like


i lost my luck.
=(
or worse. what made me so special
what i liked and others liked about me.
because right now.
i cant understand.
why i should even like myself.
or why i did.

i dont remember.
i dont remmeber whats good about me. what worked for me


please help me find it.
its so hard.
=(((


i dont want to be an obligation or to the world
for practice of niceness.
=(


i lost myself .
=( somewhere.




you know what i want to do.
i want to
pierce my lip
tongue i dont know
cut that damn thing under my tongue to make it longer
and then pierce it.

i want to run but im too lazy and it is boring

i want to drink and laugh
and boomz on the floor.
and be silly and stupid

and i want to smoke weed
if you have some.
because because no reason

and i want to go out and spend time with a very old good friend
because the person is a stranger to me now
and it saddens me. and i dont even know how to say hi.


i want money taht i earned.
can someone buy my paintings for a large sum.


i want to be that same girl i was in jc
when i was happy.


i want to stay out late.

i just dont want to die. really.


i want to laugh and feel like im incharge and all.


and im not stupid.
shut up.

i want to have a passion for something.



ok i want to drown in my bed and stone now
=(

wishing everything will be better just like that.

Hur Hur.
3:05 AM

I'm heading towards a great catastrophy
Where people may die soon
Inside
Or explode
Or seek shelter and run for cover
Or pretend

I don't know
But I need to observe

Because
I know
I see
I hear
I listen
I piece together
It may not be the whole truth but
Everything seems very ugly now
And there is no excuse or forgivness for choice
There were no mistakes
Just selfishness

Don't mess or hurt my friends
Espcially those who are close to me
Who I have took so long to trust and care for


This is a perfect reason why I don't trust people
People who lie to others
To me in my face
For selfishness



And all that's been told
And all that I've listened
If its forbidden
I will hold true to my word
Stays with me

So I know



Just try to lie to me
I can see through you

Today is the test of your actions, body lang. That's all that's needed
To see your true colours.


You involve my good friends.
You imvolve me.




On another note.
That thing I don't understand why.
I still dont

Hur Hur.
6:05 PM