I like deviant art alot.
when im free...i'll sumbit something.

i need a cam and a non laggy photoshop and guide book 1st ahaha.

when im free i mean after my As. ahhaa

where i will do so many many many things yes!

like.


hahahaha

and
=)

Yes milli? yes! ahhaha




I wanna go form a rock band.
anyone wanna form a rock band?
ahahaha
but we only start after As ahhaha




Im off to draw audrey's shoe! =)
i feel so bad...took so long...
=(

nvm i'll do it superbly!

Hur Hur.
9:17 PM

im sorry.


it was all good.


i got really angry and was petty and emo-y


and i blew up.


and i threw it out on you.
and you tried to make me better so you ask you2 how to help oso
and i was also rude to you2.


(you know i cant mention names right. or there will be a big hu ha haha)





sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

:(


:)
im better now..
it was all good.
it was weird but good.











korean dramas have nice endings don't they.
they have opening and ending song oso ahahaha

Hur Hur.
12:27 AM

wah fuck lah!

IF TML YOU ASK ME TO PLAY AGAIN!


I DONT I KNOW IF I WILL SAY YES JUST TO MAKE U HAPPY ON UR BIRTHDAY
OR SAY NO AND MAKE U UNHAPPY ON UR BIRTHDAY AND NOT CARE BOUT U AND MAKE U ANGRY AND KNOW THAT IM ANGRY COS U MAKE ME SO ANGRY AND I DUN CARE BOUT U NO MORE!

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


WHY U LIKE THAT! IDIOT! IDIOT!


WELL ARE U GG TO FORGIVE ME FOR NOT PLAYING FOR UR BIRTHDAY!
ITS NOT MY FAULT U SAID SO!
SAY IT AGAIN LAH! NOT HAPPY DUN PLAY..
NOT HAPPY LAH! SO I DUN PLAY LAH.
WTF.
THEN U DUN COME BEARING THIS GRUDGE AGAINST ME AND SAYING ME COS I NEVER PLAY U ASKED FOR IT.

Hur Hur.
1:02 AM

YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!
I DONT FEEL LIKE GG FOR YOU BIRTHDAY TML!

STRESS ME OUT FOR NO REASON
THEN YOU DONT LIKE IT AND UR CRITICISMS DUN MAKE SENSE!

AND ITS TML! IM DOING THE BEST I CAN!

I DONT WANNA SING FOR YOU ANYMORE!


WANT TO SAY I HATE U!
BUT I CANT!
I JUST REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DONT LIKE YOU ALOT RIGHT NOW!


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!














i wanna go steal a bottle of absolute vodka get drunk like ben then see how they like it.
sorry ben.
THEN MAYBE I'LL KILL SOMEONE COS IVE NEVER BEEN DRUNK BEFORE AND I BET IT WILL BE PHENOMENAL!

SURE SOUNDS GOOD.










ARGH!

Hur Hur.
12:56 AM

The beauty of Apathy.
A deceit most intricate in design.




Apathy. To be devoid of all emotion.
some do it because they love themselves too much
but some do it because they love others too much
so they stop their heart from beating for others
to protect themselves from hurt.
To protect others from themselves.
therefore they push people away wanting only whats best.

how beautiful this act of self sacrifice perceived by oneself.
whilst portraying oneself as horrid and heart as black as soot.
deceiving others to protect them in more ways than ever imagined.

but the more they practice apathy, the harder it gets.
to block out every possible emotion from entering.
the more they think about how they must be strong.
the more they confuse themselves, stirring emotions unconsciously within them.
eating up the person inside out.

they end up deceiving themselves
the belief that apathy can protect not just one heart but many
decays the lot with deceit's intricate design.
one made of a powerful driving force for emotions disguised as apathy
one devoid of any at all.

do you see the beauty of it all.
this dark and evil pattern of growing confusion.

I see its beauty.
the beauty of it eating someone alive giving him or her
a peace and sense of righteousness to only he and those who try
as they live ignorant to their pain.





you sneaky little thing.


UHM!








apathy,
you came,
you left
and you visit me often.
but i can never tell when you're present.
you scare me.
but you are beautiful in an evil genius omg crazy i never knew kinda way.



those you do apathy because they love themselves and just themselves.
cant be affected by this warped phenomenon.
cos they themselves are wack shitheads.

Apathy only attacks the strong.






and tortures those whos heart holds the capacity to love until it hurts.

Hur Hur.
1:40 AM

im blogging cos ling say i never blog haha

im too lazy to put up pics..but our dustin is cool shit ever.
best.
awesome work 2t26... im serious.
:)


i get high on air..today ..i felt that way..its been a long time.
but then i saw ple near me studying and i felt v bad..so then my high just vanished into some sorta guilt.

imagine if i got drunk. i really cant imagine. cos i believe i was acting worse than some of those drunk at jason and kenneth's party ahha

it sure is fun.




but fun can get us nowhere.
just that moment of happiness can take away ur future.
how would i know? how would u know!






why everybody know i never study!!!
only my parents dunno!


they want me to do this and that
entertain relative..cannot go out..go socialise
spend time iwth them
shop with them
watch movie with them
play for daddy's birthday.
i need to prac know.
im a super perfectionist when it comes to what i do.
if not i wont wanna do it.
thats why i only acknowledge my nice drawings the rest looks like crap to me
it either acceptable or crap.

no inbetweens.

the arts week acosutic set to me when rehearsed and practiced on set was acceptable.
not bad in fact.
but that day.
it was crap.

im sorry.
but not milli and i's crap
for sure..it became crap due to i dunno who.
whats the pt of a sound check if u dun have the same settings and change eveyrthing a screw everything up.
wheres the nice person that helps balance all the sounds..
if pple had brains to off the fans (thank u..seriously) why some no brains to adujust the freaking volume.


come on. it was bad...they had to off the fans to hear us.


bad.
bad. bad.

im just upset.
because it only happend to us. the unfairness of the odds...

thankew milli.
for all the hard work as well.
i think we kick ass.
we go do gigs after A's k ...chimer tougher songs.








i like to help my friends.
because i love them.




funny how friends just drift dont u think.
we had log session addressing our disappearing problem.


i just think that the problem is.
we just dont love each other as much anymore.
God is in our group too.

like how some marriages die.
i dont blame them for feeling this way..couples.
but i admire those who stick throughout..
mum and dad.. woots.
i feel as though im the glue..in more ways than ever.
as though im just that this piece of string holding 2 balancing planks together as they pull and stretch me to my limits.

but its still stays there.
for it serves no purpose on its own.
and to abandon would just destroy the sculpture.










im right now working around something thats a waste of time.
its a waste of time if im stubborn in thought.
its a door of opportunities is i actually wake up.
but i havent really done that yet.

i react and is driven by emotions.
hate , love, happiness, sadness, jealousy.
i do not move. when there is apathy or confusion and pain.













ima emokid.
i hate so many things that i do.
i cannot help but be a hypocrite to myself.




i love to socialise.
sometimes i wonder if i should just go do that and get drunk and drink all my sorrows away..
just trying once again to bluff myself.
then make things worse.

then again. mr leong said. uni education is more ex as it does not help the economy as much.
thats why theres less and less subsidiaries.

is my life a waste of space. im not even living to my fullest potential.
today during religious ed. we were supposed to rank types of pple.

i ranked a baby 1st. because it had the greatest potential of all.
i ranked teen super low.
so i rank myself. right now useless.
cos im not helping anyone.

i think being a good friend helps pple better than studies.
unless i can teach pple.
i like council cos i help plan stuff.
i like socialising and laughing cos i make pple happy. and i make me happy.
i used to like church work cos i could help pple directly
i like ocip cos i am helping pple directly.

but what am i doing.
im studying and i USED to like church work.
both dont get me anywhere or help pple.
what kind of purposeless life am i living if all i want is to be happy with all my passions and painting and siging and drawing all day.

im not helping anyone or myself.





maybe my life is a waste.
maybe, i should just devote my life to be a good friend it generates so much more positive externalities and helps more than one meagre person.
maybe i should just read purpose driven life and stop emoing
maybe then i wont have time to study cos im reading that and then i blame myself again for trying to help myself and in the end making things worse then i emo again and maybe kill myself cos im so dumb.


but i wont kill myself.
cos i like socialising.
and i cant socialise dead.





look how i reason with myself.
oh happy nise.
how awesome thou art.



Hi good evening.
welcome to our pac.
tickets please.
thank you enjoy the performance.


hi good evening.
im sorry but i have been given instructions to bar you from the premises.
please move a 100 feet away.
you have 5 minutes.



i feel like reason is saying that to me.




lalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalallalalalalalaa
lalalalalallalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalaal

wow blogger saves my drafts automatically.






i wonder if i will grow insane or develop a mental illness like depression
or selective dementia.
or insanity due to lack of morals.

i have greatest potential now..for these options..
i see no potential for anything else now.




boy its couldy.
i dont want to find my way out of the fog right now.
no sun no rays.
no pain no sadness.
just the cold.
its beautiful.

Hur Hur.
12:45 AM

bye bye moo moo...
i really loved you alot.
and i still love you.
you were my 1st pet and only pet and my friend
and i took you in without my parents consent.

i dont blame you if you hate me forever.
im sorry.
im a horrible person..please forgive me.

I hoped you liked your burial.

Say Hi to God for me.
















Another,
Gone.

Hur Hur.
8:39 PM

Im going to set up a business!!! =)
with my black fabric paint!
yay!

Im going to design on shoes!!!!!!!!!
yes! canvas shoes!

yup like this!


You like? ahha

Tell me what kind you like and i'll draw it. Be it Cute like this...
or arty farty abstract like this!

or choose your theme...like the beach or studies! haha
or sadistic humour or emo emo... hahaha

but i think cute looking designs or abstract is the best because the fabric paint line is quite thick.

well i'll just draw anything haha


$4 bucks per side of a shoe.
and 1 pair has 4 sides
how many sides is up to you to choose.

How to order!
-come find me in school or church hahaha

so that means you guys have to either be from cj or church.
so i can easily meet you yeah..cos how do i mail a friggin shoe! ahha

-1st come 1st serve basis. (with shoe) (CLEAN WASHED OR NEW SHOE!!)
-You are to present the shoe of your choice. with payment
-make sure its canvas. as fabric paint is meant for cloth! duh. ahha
-tell me how you want it and i will draw it in pencil for you first.
-i will only change the design one time if you are not happy. if not i not happy aha
-You will receive you shoe latest in one weeks time.
-2 orders per week as i think that 3 shoes will cause my future to be ruined due to poor grades.

- please put shoes in box. haha

thats all!


and remember it will have to be in black for the time being as i have no other colours haha
unless you want me to buy other colours ..just pay more lah! hahaha cos the friggin tube is way ex.


HOW TO FIND ME! HAHA

I'm going to step down from council so theres no more shiny badge to take note of.. :(
but my eyes and very big and im very loud.. haha ok thats not helping..
just ask around. im sure someone will know me ahhaa :P
im from 2T26
and i study alot in the library.
everyday if possible.
and i wear the shoes that i drew on. shown above haha
and my pony tail is curly and my fringe curls by itself and sticks out on side
and i have braces
and my laughter can be heard a 100 feet away.
like hur hur hur hur hur!

hahaha
ok

and if ur from church.
i go to 9 am mass on sunday
and im from Leaven of God youth group.


YUP thats all!


PS: i dont think many will order..lets see how this goes haha

Hur Hur.
11:47 PM

I still don't know why i stayed for the retreat.
i should have just gone home.
but i do not regret any moment spent there at all.
i realised something. hur. thats good.
something important.

but then i felt like i was going to die and went home ahhaa

but i stayed as long as i could.

IM SORRY I DIDNT GO BACK TODAY! LIKE I SAID.

haha
i couldn't.

i was asleep for 1 whole day like 18 hrs ahha
but im better now!
i think 4 hrs of sleep each day and dinners at 11 or 12 am brought my immune system down.

and i never pon retreat ok! i wanted to go.
even tho so many didnt want to and ponned.
thats what i realised..why i stayed and said nothing of my fever.
so i guess that holy shit is still in me ahhaa i thought i lost it forever..
passion for God..my facil shared with us.


and i dont like people to worry bout me.
cos im strong!!!
but i like to worry bout people i love! =)
when people give me the kua zhang look like super worried..i feel inclined to say
sorry.
but thank you for your concern. :) <3

but dunno why at the retreat...i felt like no one believed i was sick and just wanted to go home at first..like mr tan ...i was like AHHHHH! how cann!!!
wanted to say..YOU TOUCH LAH! hha
but so rude..
then i went all the way up to carry my 3 humongous bags down myself..
like there was no problem..
and when my facil gave me that look like huh? when he asked if i needed someone to help me take down my stuff.

its just that..i like to be seen as strong! ahha
and not a stupid whiny weakling..cos that's so irritating..
believe me i know..
why should i cry or whine or exxagerate my sickness for attention..what good would that do..
i dont wish for anyone to worry.
but it appears that because of that some did not believe.
oh well.

the funny thing is..when the panadol made me a bit better i wanted to stay again..
hahahahaha
im crazy i tell you..
but my dad was coming..




BUT IM BETTER NOW!

but i still want to tell u! that this was my highest fever ever! hahahahaa
i went to the hospital after the retreat and they measured my temp.
that was when the panadol took effect and made my face cool and i felt more comfortable again.

but then it measured 38 degrees.
i tot it went bakc down to like 37 can..
that means just now i was like 39 or 40! hahaha

and i was like woahhhhhhhh
im tough! hahaha



i dunno why but i like to feel tough at times like these.
=)

u know..i like to imagine that people attack me then i fight bakc and i win and i come out in the newspaper ahhaa
and i always dream that i save people. ahhaha


and on the list of passions that we were supposed to tick i ticked.
fight for crime! ahahahaa














but my strongest passion is...
to SING! haha

its hard...to earn a living this way..
maybe thats why my studies suck..
cos my passion has nothing to do with that..
its like a blockage that i must overcome and im trying to work around it.
sian

my stupid passion.





im sorry daddy.

Hur Hur.
6:46 PM

Lets me chim and emo shall we.



The moment she awoke from that cradle of hope,
the sturdy wall of determination that many had clung on to,
with the utmost desire to surpass her disgusting limits,
her inability to comprehend the tragedy of her failure of many's success
clasped its bony yet sturdy fingers around her heart and squeezed it like it had betrayed it to the evil lurking behind.

For a moment the bricks of once steel eroded and crashed to the ground.
opening up her overflowing bottle of the hidden which burned her eyes like acid.
The words "but i studied" rang through her soul of sudden emptiness,
in attempt to escape the stare of disappointment in another's eyes
that she wished were filled with apathy instead.

With her eyes forced shut and mind forcefully consumed with false apathy,
she feigned sleep with her back to any possible observants choked in the same situation as her.
But she could see no other but her fading self as self pity creeped up next to her and touched her hand.

the bell rang.

With face overpowered by the weight of embarrassment and avoiding the gaze of the curious Her feet danced along paths of uncertainty and led her the only place where her screaming bottle could overflow without a drop falling against the skin of the ones she loved.

Cowering in the corner with shame and helplessness pressing down against her body and lungs,
she accepted.
Breathing in the humiliating heart wrenching reality that she could not comprehend,
her desires of a fairy tale ending and the answers to "why" released itself at full force down her cheeks and her uniform.
The place was soaked with her hate.

And then 2 came and and made her feel so much better.
one with did so with concern and searching for someone that would help
and one that just talked so much crap that u know it was wrong but the wrong was just to make you feel better for the moment.


as u can see im too tired to write so chim.
dun even know if this is called a poem.

dang i think im becoming sick cos of my mum.










only 5 know. Thank you. Lets keep it this way for now.

Hur Hur.
11:17 PM

AHHH im really going to miss council.

I really like them alot. =(
and i really like the aircon room with the sofas tooo.

Like what am i going to do every morning when im sleepy.
where am i going to go when i have nothing better to do.
how am i gg to use the council guitar too play.
how are we supposed to chill out and jam in the council room anymore.

HOW!

i dont wanna be the ones waiting outside the council room to borrow stuff and see the j1s inside happy...
I dont wanna NOT wear my shiny gold badge especially when i just got one.

before its too late i wanna
sing the marikita at least once loud loud and nice nice.
do a super enthusiastic morn mass with all ca there.
sleep on the couch in the morn flat on my back with aircon.
do more assembly!
use my finger print as many times as possible.
leave my bag there the whole day.


and


just relax and chill with the councillors on the couch one last time.
and play guitar ahhaa




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!


im so selfish arent i..



anyway.

i dont know why but it feels like my eye has been boxed when i poke it at an angle.
it hurts =(
is it because i sleep so little.

today i slept in class and was semiconscious.
and i was nodding to mr foos yes or no questions iwth the class ahaha
and they all laugh at me...

wehhhh
hahahaha


council...
councill..
then we had council reflection and sharing...
awww
council....


then poor claire had ot wait for me to finish to go for auditions.
it was not bad. i must say.
just that she said we were abit dramatic in our movements as we were probably more accustomed to stage play.
which was true and i did not realise ahha
but overall it was good. the girl was nice.
SHE SAY WE GOT GOOD CHEMISTRY! DUHH! WE SAME DRAMA AND CLASS NOW AHA
=)
BUT I DUNNO IF THEY WILL PAY US!!! WEHHHH!
I NEED MONEY AHHA



TML IS SPONGEBOBSQUAREPANTS BAG DAY!! YAYYYYYYY!
=)
BAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!



wah i damnhungry...

what i normally eat everyday is now like about to 2 puffs at like 10 am and then dinner at 9 plus 10..
wahhh damn hungry can!
can!
CANNOT AH!
CAN AH!
MY MUMMY DADDY SAY GOT PIZZA IN THE OFFICE WANT TO BRING BACK FOR ME AH BUT NOW GOING TO 11 PM AH! I VERY HUNGRY!!!

Hur Hur.
10:25 PM

haha ihavent blog for so long.
anyway i got down to doing my shoe..
3/4 done haha

=) its nice! i'll put up pics later

i managed to learn one song too
sian one only

i watched finish bleach tooooooooooo!
why is it called bleach? ahha

and i so wanna play piano.

avil lavigne's vocal range is damn high.

mine is super low.
cannot play her songs =(

can only play those guy sing high high wan...like secondhand serenade...
aiya...

council term is almost over.
havent even worn my new badge..
damn sweee hand in so late..
aiya nvm lah



people are so busy nowadays.
and like im suddenly free
people are like studying already..
sian..i need to study..

i dun even know what i wanna be when i grow up ahha

i wanna be a rockstar! ahhahahaaaha
yeah right,,if it was possible id be so happy! haha

so i told my parents..
i want a job where i get alot of pay, need alot of social networking and contacts and they said.

POLITICIAN!

WTHA HAHAHAHHAA

imagine man

1st i need to pass my NE quiz.
and bother the read the news hahahahaha

i want to do business involving MUSIC! AHHAHAHAHHAHAA
sooooooooooooooooooooo AWESOME!!!!!!

then my dad say music politician ahhahaha
i think like that i will hate music can ahhaa

I WANNA DO BUSINESS RELATED TO ART AND MUSIC
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHY AM I A SCIENCE STUDENT!
despite the fact that i take econs and lit ahha
actually..my combi is perfect!
everyone needs math!
and physics is very good for art! i think.. hahhaa
and econs will be for business
and lit is best for appreciation. hahahaha


OHEH!


AIYA! I STILL NEED TO GET ALL As FOR A's
HAHAHA THEN I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT AHHAHA
AND EVERYBODY WILL WANT ME! HAHAHAHHAA
AND I CAN TURN DOWN PPLE! AHHAHA
OK SO LAME...

well i started off with CLB! I PASSED CLB! HAHAHAHAHA
HAH!
BEAT THAT
!OK SO MANY DID HAHAHA


and my lit improving! mocks i got D! ahhaha
FROM S TO E TO D
HAHAHAHA

I HOPE MIDS I GET C!
HAHAHA
I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!


someone told me i should refrain from using caps when i blog..
hahah cant rmb whoo...

ok no CAPS!
aahahah

i just did..


and today i very sad...

i said JJJ and my dad heard JGJ
and i said NO! i said JJJ
dAD: there! you said JGJ!
AND I WAS LIKE
AIYA MY TONGUE SO SHORT AND BRACES! DUN BULLY ME!
WHAT I SAY GOES! HAHA

Hur Hur.
9:58 PM