delete delete delete.
now.
google cannot find me.

only one link.
will lead here.



i don't like what i say here.
it may be true.
but i don't like it.

don't worry.
things are much much better.


but now i am feeling sad
for someone else.
something similar.
but its not my business.
but i dont even dare ask if you're ok.
because its not my place
and you're not really that close a friend.
i don't even think i understand half of it.



is it so weird that i don't wanna post such happy stuff
on my nisegoeshurhur.
such that people may feel sadder...if they see people happier.

so i am posting here.



i confuse myself.
so much
so much.



but today i :)
don't worry.


because as much as i don't like my relatives..
the distant ones are..nicerr..because i don't know them well.
and i like it that way.

Hur Hur.
11:25 PM

yesterday was immensely horrible.
i never cried so terribly in such a long time..

i wanted to just dieee
i couldnt get out of it..
she kept shouting and shouting..
i was so tired..
she wouldnt listen

i wanted to just cut off my mouth for it served no purpose
i wanted to just die to make her shut upp.. to stop..
or the other way =( (i hated myself for that)

i wanted to run away..
i wanted to do something to make her regret =(
i wanted to get a tatoo
to get a girlfriend
to go and smoke
just to make her maddd and that it was her fault...

but i didnt want to touch her.

but then things changed.
and i was like
stun.
stunnnn.
until.
i even said.
I'm like... stun..

thats when i knew she loss
but not because of anything bad
but because of the truth.

and i was stun at her behaviour.
not in a sad way..but in a wth way..




i'm so mean..
i told her ..how do you expect us to be the same again.
how can i go to you anymore?
=(
she knew it was true..and she brought this upon herself.





and the best part...
all i did wrong.
to deserve this
and i will not exaggerate...
is because i go to sleep after 1am so its about 2 plus
for 3 days. in a row.


and this atomic bomb happens..
she is the catalyst of such a small issue.


she told me.
if i dont sleep
it will affect my mental health.
at such a young age
already you have sleep paralysis
and this is the reason
but if people didnt go sleep when they are tired..
whats the point.
i experienced the ghost because i coulndt sleep and tried to sleep early
so my mind was too active.
and that effort was also blamed on me.
for my previous late nights.

and then she said.
you'd have to see a psychiatrist
you'd have to quit school.
and they'd give you drugs
that make your brain DEAD
and you can't think properly


she's linking me to a mad person.
and in my head..
i already think i'm going mad.
at an exponential speed because of her shouting and shouting

and then she gets a headache and cough before she scolds me
and blames it on me..
-___-"


and all i did was sit there
let her shout at me
blind...600 degrees blind
tired
i sat there
and listend
until she made me speak
and promise her things i coulndt
and i told her that
and she cut me
until i cried.
and she kept on
cutting that wound.

until i couldnt breathe
until i wanted to die.

and she kept on.


nobody knew what was the main aim of the message
everything in the past was brought forward
i dont know if she was enjoying this
or i dont know what reason
would someone like to see someone cry til they hyperventilated and squirmed
and kept tormenting them


where is that line?

i am 20 this year
and i cried like that

and she kept on
making me.

why?
the message was already implanted
couldnt she see it from the 1st tear
why did she have to be so cruel to bring in
everything of the past


i think she needs councilling



i really wanted to run away because of her.
because she is inhuman.
no mercy no limits no guilt no being wrong
too much pride

monster.


but if i ran away..
she would attack daddy
and daddy wouldnt be so nice.
and things would not get any better.








i think i will forever have a scar.



this family is difficult
each of us is proud.
no one will submit
all will fight.
if 2 negative poles repel...
3 will cause an explosion



thats why.
i treasure when we are happy.
its almost impossible.


i never looked at her with such hatred before.
=(











sorry.

but i love her.


but she just has to know when to stop.
its so bad that i may even think she is a sadist.

Hur Hur.
2:09 PM