today i wanted to tell my friend on msn.

I WANT TO BRING HER TO YISS!
then suddenly i thought of how shed whine and cry and groan and complain..that how she didnt want to be there and she that she hate me and stuff..

and then i would not be able to enjoy my time being open and praising and loving God.. cos i would be so angry at her for being so childish and horrible and spoiling my mood.

i just didnt want to bring her.
COS SHED SPOIL EVERYTHING.


and im so sad.







I thought why God made us fated to be like together for so so so long.. was because he wanted me to change her..to bring her to him.

but it seems like shes the devil's puppet controlled by selfishness materialism greed and all other stuff esp money. :(

and the thing is she doesnt care.
and doesnt want to change.

and wants me to not do well in life and grow fat and ugly and all and she tells me this openly.
and i like find it hard to laugh at how she says it there few days...its growing tiresome treating it like a joke.


when she says that.

i feel like asking her..

are you really my best friend?













God help me.

Hur Hur.
1:20 AM

So i just came back from retreat! yay! i was a facil! and i really really love my group! they so nice lah! and they really are already such muature individuals and just share so openly u know it makes u feel like a good facil yet in someways somewhat redundant. hahaha
but they so nice..

evn my facil partner simeon! small lil simeon..now so big and mature oso ah... ahahah


made so many new friends..
and experienced god in new ways

and made a few really good friends like u know we all just clicked and all.
:)

and got to see pris and paul! like so happy lah!!!
:)
and somethings that were reavealed to me shocked me outta my wits.. but the timing was just right..


and i must say.... the most memorable part of the rereat where i really felt God working through me was actually

touch time with Dan and Jac.
which was really good. and i did not expect them to come and look for me.. so thank u! really... it really helped me very much too.







I just feel super loved.
by all my friends. haha




something kinda took me surprised and confused me at one point tho. so did my friend..i saw the reaction he gave hahahaa



and I PLAYED THE BONGOS! LIKE I PRAYED TO FIND IT AND I FOUND IT AND THEN I PLAYED IT and at one point quite bad... and everyone laughed at me.
but i think i was mostly like on beat ahhaha just not enough OOOMPH!hahah

I SHALL TRY MORE AND LEARN FROM KOR KOR! it should be in the bloood! no fear! ahahha

Hur Hur.
11:30 PM

today i just apologised sincerely and it went well.
my friend got me quite angry with all his vulgarities and stuff such that even i knew it was my fault it seemed like his cos he was so vulgar and i just wanted to get back at him.

but i thought of God. hahahahahaha

and i just said sorry.

i never knew i was so proud until just now.
im glad i apologised.

because alll went well =)
God indeed has made me wiser haha

Hur Hur.
1:38 AM

ok so like i said on my non emo blog. i will blog here.
for whoever who wishes to know more about God and his wonders or are curious as to how denise can change from being bochap and whatever to someone loving God os much once again and whatever shit haha.

so yeah


this is my testimony.

ok so i went for YISS because...i dunno why.
many loggers weren't gg..
many cjcians were'nt going or sfx people.

but somehow i felt that i really should go. because i heard so much about it and all and also cos there im gg to be a facil for my church retreat a few days later.. so i couldn't have my spiritual level be lower than my participants now could i.

and gg for legion chalet made me feel even worse that the spiritual aspect was only a few minutes...when i thought i was a retreat. i even paused shoe painting to go.

so i went there only knowing that mag and joan was going and my cousin was playing in the band.

and when i went there..i really didnt know what to expect because.. i didnt know what i myself wanted out of this retreat. so many new faces and yet some familiar..yet i felt happy for coming... happy bout the choice i made.

because really deep down inside i was yearning for God once again. to feel his presence to feel his love and to feel him being so real in my life once again.
because of school, popularity, council, studies, alvls... i slowly started to neglect God in my life.. thinking that i was the only one who could help me now depending solely on myself. even though i served the catholic church through organisations like the legion of mary the acts catholic activities wing and leaven of God, i was growing spiritually dead as the oppirtunity for me to serve in mass and in school and church and prayers became somewhat routine and seemed like a chore instead that was not driven by the love for my God but by a personal sense of discipline and duty and to please those of higher autority than me...eg teachers..the school.


soon my desire for God plunged from such a high level from after my sec 4 retreat in sfx. i remember i was constantly praising God and loved to spread his words and words of comfort and always suggested that people sought God for help just beacause i loved him so much. However my class started to describe me as holy..which was alright..until i heard from my friend that someone from my class found it annoying that i was so excited about God. Being selfconscious and wanting to fit in in a new sch...it made me really really sad..that i couldnt be myself and that they did not understand how i felt about God and even thought it annoying. That trully saddened me and so fro acceptance i lowered my excitement for God such that i seemed. Normal.

it felt as though i was ashamed of God and i know i made him so sad.

unfortunately this mask worked so well that it started to become reality...
i stopped going for daily mass...its been a year and a half now..stopped praying as much until not praying at all and then to stop thinking about him at all and fearing him also.

thus i started to become emo and started to want to drink more party more have fun more go for rock concerts..basically i wanted to search for things to make me have a sense of high to fill that emptiness i felt inside. my purpose for living was a fuzzled up..once it used to be for God..now it seemed to be just me trying to find temporary highs in life that made me feel good about myself. like rejoicing in the fact that i had a lot of friends that i could sing draw and play the guitar but when i was alone at home..i really started to feel really loneyly and RETARDED im serious..that sense of lonelyness and confusion and emptiness got me crying quite a bit making me blog emo stuff and digging up my past and making me more sad.

it felt like digging up my pasts could help me feeel more alive..as hurt was such a strong emotion and it made me feel human? so basically i felt dead. then i realised i hated my life and started to pity myself that i just hated the world u know. so i practiced apathy. I decided to not care about my past my loved ones my friends..but only myself. at least it hurt less. but it made me feel emptier. and in fact it hurt me much more.

aand so after i went fro YISS..
i knew all the time God was the answer..
i just had to get the guts to start searching for him again.
but i asked myself...would he still want me? he feels so far away.
because i left him way way way behind me a year and a half ago


so i just went for the retreat.
throughout the praise and worships i could barely raise my hands..not because i didnt want to..trust me i did..but i felt i wasnt worthy or sincere enough to do so..but i wanted to badly to raise my hands to close my eyes and praise and worship him.
(believe me pnw and music mean alot to me)
but i could not because..i did not want to be a follower a fake and raise my hands just because others were because they loved him so much.

my desire to want to lift my hands up seemed more as a sign of my desperation for my spiritual life to return to the way it was instead of deep sense of surrender to him and his love which i for one found it hard to feel.

i just felt that he was so far away.

but it all started with quiet time on the 2nd day where i once again sat infront of the blessed sacrament to talk to God.

I still felt him far away..but still i finally really talked to him conversed with him..told him my deepest wants to find him once again to feel him to fill that emptiness in me. eve though he may have seemed far away ..i felt him seem more real to be with every unworthyness of me that i accept and every recognition and confession of my desires to want to love him once again and feel him. I just wanted him to come to me so i could feel his love again fill my emptiness and i wanted to just make him love me more then ever i wanted to make him proud. Then i realised that my desire for him brought him to me once again making realise and remember how helping others and building his kingdom and praying to him made me so happy and felt blessed.

So then it was healing time! haha
and so i just sat there reflecting on how what i needed healing...then as i thought back at all the past events..i realised ..i wasn't hurt anymore..i wasnt bearing that weight anymore. the past was just the past. i accept why and what and how come. For the hurt they caused me..i forgave them. and it was alright. all this time it was alright. i realised that being apathetic only made things worse...acceptance was they key and understanding and God gave me strength to accept reality.

and i could even smile.

so i just prayed for my tillasemia minor or however u spell it..some physical ailment.
and the guy was like when did it start? i said it was hereditary. he said still the falling asleep and sparks must have started due to an emotional baggage or hurt. i said i did not know. then he looked at me and said. but u should. AND WHAM I KNEW IT. it still was the parent issue thingy... i wasnt hurt by them anymore..i forgave them..but i could not forgive them for not loving each other instead.
wahhh revelation. haha


so that was that..people around me were slain some cried some laughed..the 1st time they prayed over me..i think i gave them a hard time thinking to myself that i did not need any spirtual healing because i felt fine. so i went up the the main dudes lah the old dudes to pay over me..and that was the above description lah...

although nothing happened to me i did feel God there. his love. not so much in me but more in the others around me. hehe

then OUTPOURING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!
day 3.

so like ive staretd praying..quiet time and talks really word. i found the desire in my to live for him to do his will. i even found myself ready to give my entire life for him u know! i found it crazy but really do love him so much..all the past fears...i felt i was ready to handle them right now that i was mature. in other words. i was ready to run his race. and i was excited to and desiring to.

and i told myself. and felt..i believe in him i have faith in him and i would really really love any gift the holy spirit would give to me fro it was a present from God and he knows best and it is the best and i woulkd just be so grateful. but if i dont get anything i woud undestand that probably i was not mature enough for it yet?

but secretly i wanted to have tongues to feel him and praise him ever so closely than before and thegift of prophecy to help people directly to bring them to him.

and during the praying over..i just told God...God..i offer my life to u. im ready. use me as u will.
and then i like prayed damn long until a group of intercessors came to pray over me lah...then halfway praying the girl told me..God said that nothing that you do could make me want to condemn you i think? ahha then she said he said "you are the apple of his eye" then i stated water works know..cos all i wanted was to make him proud of me and i would just be sooooooo happy and filled with love happiness and purposeness and feel real. and i was like WOAH he knows!! I FELT HIM BEING SO CLOSE SO SO CLOSE TO ME THAN EVER. and then i believe she placed her hand over my right side of my chest.(i closed me eyes) and i felt this warmness in my right side of my chairs..at 1st it was slight then it staretd to grow really really warm and obvious i could not help being confused u know then the warmth spread all the way to my heart on the left side of my chest and my whole chest was just so warm so strong was the warmness ..it did not feel hot or uncomfortable but it felt very very lovely warmeness yet the warmness was so strong u know! and then i just felt an immense sense of peace over me. i then she said.
God has chosen to give u the gift of wisdom. then i wahhhhhhhh so cool..she said it so confidently summore...but then i wanted prophecy..but then i was just so grateful for what ever God has chosen to give to me. then she said again..."God has truly chosen to give u the gift of wisdom" twice she said it...omg..i believe it to be so true and she said it with such confidence.

so after they prayed over me i just sat there thaking God telling him how much i love him how beautiful he is to me and how im so grateful and praising him and all that i listening to the rest around me praying in tongues wanted to pray in tongues too so i could u know just praise him with all my heart.

and then i felt a tingling sensation on my back on the left shoulder..as though someone rested their hand there ..there was also some pressure..i thought it maybe be lack of blood flow ahhaha then later my right hand started to tingle as well my whole right hand that was opened up in surrender as though God was hold that hand of mine. :)

and so i just asked God ..god please allow me to have the gift of tongues..
and the leader was on the mic like saying praise God ask for teh gift of tongues say hallelujah hallelujah and it will come to u if God wills it if u desire it. so i did it..and i tried saying it loud soft high low and even sang it but i could not. so i asked God what am i doing wrong why can't i? then i realised that i was concentrating in what i was saying so much that i wasnt actually prasing God iwth all my heart anymore..
so i just relaxed..and said hallelujah hallelujah again slowly not focusing on what i was saying but how i felt about God and i just said it and said it until my mouth started to move in away that did not form hallelujah ahha.. then i was like ehw hat was that so i try again..and it happened again.
and again and again even though it was start stop start stop i was so grateful that i started to praise God in my new tongues. :) praise God.


at that moment God touched me in so many ways. =) and so tangibly that words alone cannot describe it. i could just feel his love his mercy his tenderness that made me love him so much.

then day 4..

freddie gomez came..damn power lah u. talk i never fall asleep leh. ahhaha
so he was talking to us about doing Gods will and his gifts..
and so he invted those who did not recieve the gift on tongues yet to stand up and go infront and the rest will pray for u. ahha

so mag was one of the 1st to stand up to go so i so happy lah! hahha
then we prayed over the bunch of pple in tongues! haha so i wasnt a dream it was still there! and now more fluent! like my vocabulary increase by one or 2 sylabols haha so cool. it feels like walking.
and i learnt it faster than chinese! hahahah

so praise God really. She received in the end as well and was so happy. so many recieved it as well. all you have to do is have the desire and love him and ask for it. and for tongues..open ur mouth and make some noise ahaha.

God is love and i turly felt him and his love and so did everyone in the room.
i strongly encourage u guys to go for yiss next year as well if u desire for God or want to know him or seek his help. he is there for you.

and he loves you.

trust me.
would i lie to u? ahha

i just had confession.hahah so no! i wouldn't!

praise God for he is awesome and everlasting.


GO FOR SFX YOUTH RETREAT 14 TO 16 DEC! IF U WANT SMS ME OR TAG ME HERE!

Hur Hur.
10:47 PM

the feeling is..

ooooooooooooooooooooof

of air being squeezed outta ur lungs for one moment.

that word made me do it.
didnt know it would
didnt see it coming.
but then ....it didnt affect me afterwards..
just that how my sudden silence due to surprise may have been suspicious.
even though i knew before.


u know that feeling..that ur surprised even tho u know bout it but u just didnt expect it to come out so suddenly then u were startled?




i like to talk to jn.
like i can tell her stuff honestly and she wont judge me ..I LOVE U! HAHA
not unrequitted ok! hahaha

so i conclude..
im super blind or easily satisfied or incapable to love hahahaa
i think the 2nd.

Hur Hur.
12:17 AM

its called.

personal failure.
the inability to accomplish something one thought may be possible.

feels horrible.

oh well. time to get over with it..this is where thick skin comes in handy.

Hur Hur.
11:46 PM