you know it's so hard to be a friend.
when you create so many opportunities
but they just dont show up.
sometimes w/o warning.
pangseh last min.


getting sick and tired.

happened before.
gone for goood that one.
she didn't need/want us.
well. it was thus reciprocated.


show face doesn't count.
esp if you don't enjoy.
why go.



oh i think im like that to best friend and group. =(
but i dont pang seh. im just busy.



maybe i just dont understand how a_______ works.
sorry.

Hur Hur.
3:04 AM

HELLO.

btw this is my secret blog ya know?
HAHHA
IF YOU KNOW THEN GOOOD FOR U LAH pretend u dunno ok.
or i will feel like...damn weird HAH


ANYWAY.
i hope that
when I die.
somebody will like shwo this to my parents or children or what.
ok maybe not.
maybe put it into a book. or show best friend.

best friend is cheryl wong sher yee ok.
HAHA


anyway i dont know if we will be best friends then or what. anyway.






shocking
things that are happening in my life now.

1. my facebook is speaking in pirate HAHA SO CUTE! =) not the point tho ahah

2. i think im Asexual. meaning. im not sexually attracted to people or dont like the idea of sex ahah. but sometimes i dont. cos i have liked people before. but never sexually. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. its all in the personality. and eww i dont liek clubbing. i just like the company and alcohol ahhaand the bass. and so maybe im not. can i just dont classify myself. cos its scary. scully ten years time im like with a transvestite. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE choi. ahah ok
anyway. truth is i know im not.
HAHA
ok depends how they define the word lah. but im just not horny. eeeee. horny means shameful sia HAH. but i got like people before..im not unfeeling. ahha

3. im feeling like a bloody bad influence within the church. with the kind of lifestyle i have. which is what im not sure. i think the life style is of one that is "very accepting". as in...i have many lesbian friends or gay friends and im not ok. but like... i love my friends! yaaaa cos they are good people. and they are starting to grow on me..esp the close ones... but coming from a youth group from a church when young children look up to you...or are "supposed to" i feel so badddddd.
like baddddd like... you knoww the church is so strict. and thats why i like it.
i know the saying..whatt nomatter what you do God loves you. but i feel that if you love God no matter what you do you will put his interests 1st you know. like tit for tat. and like...i wont give up my friends!!!!! i will be so sad. ok so they are not telling me to give up my friends..but i feel that...my friends feel that..or lets say if my friend is the church. haha in a WHOLE haha that it feels im not in very good company. and i know. HAHHA but im not smoking or sexing or what right! haha or drugging aha. ok they dont aha. but yaaaa. its just that i feel the church is such a protected place... AND I LIKE. but i have my life outside church. where i am good oso. but i accept that bad things (church wise) are normal and understandable.
BUT ITS BAD hha. and i know. but i dont care. cos its not making people sad? i dunno. so im not feeling very comfortable that im like in the "not preffered" group...cos they are not goody goody.
BUT THEN...WHAT IF YOUR FAMILY IS NOT GOODY GOODY THEN HOWWW.

ok not making sense.
but anyway point is. i love my friends ahha
and i dont like how my "good" is labeled as somewhat "bad" in church terms.

anyway i think we might all drift away. soon.
or years later
we all do. eventually.
so dont worry so much.
but i think they are afraid that i am turninggg or being led astray or something. and its annoying.



so can i be happy and just be un sexed up. HAHHA for any gender or anything.
eeeeeeeee i feel so gross. HAHA
maybe im like whats that word? genophobic? ahah like scared of sex. ahah
well only if its me lah.EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


4. omg point 3 so long..ya point 3 is that i think wheni grow up.
i will probably be crazy. and move in to my neighbours house. buangkok green. HAHAHAHHAAH NOT FUNNY!.
today i saw outside my window...turn dark for 2 secs.
maybe airplane? but i never hear anything...damn quiet..and i htought it was a dragon..anyway ive been having hallucinations about the creepy thing. that happened in dec? and my dreams can like escape my head? like the sounds of my dream still continue when im awake? and the sound is from outside my head. like scary. uncontrolled. and my dreamssss sometimes.. come true abit? or maybe im just psychic. and im scared of sleeping sometimes...or all the time..cos if i dont cover my ear with my blanket and think of stuff before i sleep...my DAMN GOOD HEARING..which actually sucks...might enable me to hear stuff that i dont wanna hear.
and theni start to have lucid dreams.

im scared... i dont wanna grow crazyyy. cos i know im not and i know its all in my mind. i think its a kind of belief that im not normal. i never thought i was. annoying huh. its like the world revolved around me. which is not. duhh. but dont you feel like it is sometimes.

and im not gg to mention it anywhere in my blog or to my friends or to my parents anymore. cos it will scare them and im just being a pain in the ass with an overactive mind...


YOU THINK I SHOULD WRITE A NOVEL? =) MAYBE I CAN EARN ALOT OF MONEY WITH MY CRAZY MIND! =) OK HYPERACTIVE.



5.i have no confidence in my future. like financially or like job wise. cos im so lazy and choosy. and i always think i will have a good future cos thats what all the fortune tellers say...ee. bad for my determination huh..like complacency. but im not scared now. cos im youngHAHHA so i must be the best in school! HAHHAHA

6. i think i should not talk so squeaky anymore. baddd for image. HAHA like i dont look cool aha. ok maybe im a loser. BUT NOT A CERTIFIED BY COMMUNITY LOSER..by myself... i say i loser. so im cooL. hahh AHAHA SHUDDAP DENISE! hahha ok but i dont wanan be 20 plus and still sound like this its like annoying.

7. i feel that when i speak normally. i acknowledge that im not 10. im 20.
thats why when i talk to myself IN MY HEAD. like now..its low..and sexayyy thankew. HAHHA its like some magical happening. ahah when i accept. it will change! haha

8. i think i have learned to deal with monster mummy....and her hurts. cos i think my heart has hardened...muahhahaa. only when it comes from her lah.

9. i think my mind. is powerful... MUAHAHAHA. LIKE..if i think hard enough..i can move objects HAHHA KIDDING i wish. hope not. ee. normal is good for me. but i think im speciallll. ahha

10. dont mind me. im just an annoying 20 year old who is in her own world. where she can do anything and is anything she believes she is.


ok.

Hur Hur.
1:23 AM