i think i've really let it go.
you think? aha

maybe cos i'm keeping myself occupied. it's easier.

anyway i still don't trust people that easily.
people may trust me. and im glad they do.
because thank you.
thats how i start to trust too.

but i still keep my distance.

Hur Hur.
2:07 AM

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley




















isnt that just so swell.












this is here because no one should know that im actually cheesy on the inside...
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
despite the outward happiness and the inner emoness
or comtemplative skepticism of the world...
and about how humans are stupid.and annoying.

i am like all other girls i dispise.
but maybe the most 10% alike.
those girly girls who care about fashion and looking cute looking pretty to attract the opp sex to look their best so people will like them.
those in cloud 9 who think that they are princessess
and that love is the only thing that can save them from their sadness.
but i try to look decent. ahah cos people have eyes. i must not look horrid. but i must not look like im trying to hard. cos im not.
and i dont like people who do. that is just grosssss.
i dress how i feel. just with eyeliner ahha.
actually i think my dressing is based on my music. ahah


actually i am the cheesiest person alive perhaps.
because i dont ever believe in looking for someone like that
i believe it just happens! HAHAHA
so annoying right. that is like the most in my own fluffy cloud world.
thats why i dont like people who keep going gaga over people they dont know just because of looks.
because. i cannot understand.


and i really agree with the above passage HAHAH (LIKE comprehension)
when did u see them stating that that person was so good looking haha.
so many reasons to love but never that particular one mentioned.
because it is not needed.=)

but of course dear lord,
do not give me a person that fits all that but looks like kenah bang down by truck can.
HHAHAHAA. WAH FAIL.hahahahahaa


they say pisces are hardcore romantics.
yet they are super idealistic.
i am a true pisces. ahaha
so true that i
dont believe in dating.
ahhaa
dont believe in trying to find something perfect in someone interesting to fit the criteria.
believe that eye candies can only be good for looking at.
and that with this attitude and trust issue.
i will be alone forever.

but it is ok. =)
because i wouldnt wanna waste my time or feelings on infatuation.

that doesnt mean i believe in fate.
because, with this attitude, id sure wouldn't know if fate was slapping me in my face.
ahaha.ok maybe i do. if think this way.
but i guess im just super blind.

so if i believe or not. it makes no difference.




you do not love with your eyes.
nor ears
nor cock or cb HAHAH
but with your heart. ahah





dont let your eyes or ears or down there ahha direct your heart. never.
but let the heart direct the way you see, hear and feel.



so cheesy huh.
that is me.
i hate this part of me. ahaha because then i'd be ordinary?
but i love cheese. literally.
maybe i ate too much.



but in this world.
i really believe anything is possible.
i believe that someone somewhere will
go against all that i believe in.
with love at 1st sight. ahha
in the cheesiest most perfect way.
ahhaa


ewww gross. ahah
eh i wanna watch 500 days of summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=(

Hur Hur.
1:54 AM

disappointed.
in so many ways.
more than you know.

Hur Hur.
12:44 AM

im not saying.
=(

Hur Hur.
2:13 AM

hi.
i should learn to appreciate life.
and not want so many things
and expect so many things
and make myself disappointed
when things don't go my way.

Hur Hur.
1:51 AM

a new friend is pissing me off.
respect my religion can!!!
respect all religion.
at least respect the choice to have a religion.

if you dont respect the religion at least respect the person and my choice.
dont go telling me im wasting my time praying to fiction.

I am more "holy" than i look.
same as i am more pissed than i appear to be.


closed minded stubborn.


i see you as a good friend. but this i cannot tahan.
really.

Hur Hur.
1:46 AM

harro.
idk why but i still feel so sad.
i dont even know if i should be.
i dont even know why i should be.

but i do.



super emo.
i drank my wine fast.
maybe i will grow up to be an alcoholic. =(

Hur Hur.
11:11 PM

fuck lah. today is so not my fucking day.
fucking being lashed
and lashing at other people when i was a bystander.


and i locked my door.
cos im so fucking pissed and sad
cos i think i may really be pmsing
or the turp has gotten into my system
and i feel very drunk for some reason

and know that any other day
if this happened i would be fine
and sane
just not all at once.

:'(


i even feel guilty feeling angry.
wtf is wrong with me.

Hur Hur.
9:44 PM

helllo....

today i had a very very very freaky dream
not in the ghost kinda way..
nor death kinda way..

but change..
kinda way.

like change in me.
kind..
not scary..but makes me think. what if one day i'd be like that?
or if i subconsciously am already?



i don't wanna sing so much in the studio already...
if not like
not special HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH
later pple sian how;..
i oso will sian..

and today i heard myself
laugh on a vid.
LIKE THE ULTIMATE HURHUR!
OMG SO GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE STILL WANNA BE MY FIREND CAN! OMG.
hahahahahaha


anyway im still affected by the little things.
blame it on the dream.


oh my brain likes to screw me upside down huh! haha

Hur Hur.
12:09 AM

hey hey.
blog that no one reads.
(much i hope aha)

i've been feeling much better lately.
because i've dropped something.
forever not sure but temporarily
leave it in a corner or something. :)

much much better.
and i slept alot.
im feeling good.

and im starting to like the Fine Arts people alot.
i always like people. in a good way..not in that romantic way aha..
i think i find everybody nice like...in the long run
if they are not selfish.
or psycho or ego.

hahah these 3 qualities i cannot tahan.
selfish psycho or ego. haha


ya anyway.
im beginning to move on with life. heheheh. took me rather long i think.
but i still hold on to the good things in life that move along in other directions cause of change.


and it's good.
right now i'm grateful.
it could be better.
but i can't have everything right.




but i can sing.
HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA.
ok ego moment.
this is as much egoistical i get.
on a secret blog. ahahahah


i don't know why i can sing.
but i know i worked hard for it.
everyday practice abit. ahah
my voice was like shit last time.
but now its better.
i imitate. i learn.
i experiment.
i scream
now my voice is fuller and abit huskier.
like like.



and one more thing.
i've grown to be more comfortable with myself.
with myself and other people. how i react.
i'm sooooo much less self conscious.
i really couldnt care less. ahaha
i dont bother to dress well. ahahah
just my hair must be nice haha


i just cannot look sooo dirty. ahah like gross.
cleanliness. aha
no need to prove anything to anyone.

I am me.
you like me.
good for you.
don't like. don't talk to me.
if you are meant to be my friend.
we will eventually be friends.
fate.
still unsure if it exists.



i have nothing to hide.
just this blog. ahha
cos its emo
and cos i need to spill. or i may explode.
and i dont wanan bother anybody.

i don't have financial problems.
i don't have family problems. anymore.
i don't have r/s problems. i have none. and never had.



but i do have problems.

time management.
changes. in others, in me.
trust issues.
motivation.
religion. in terms of enthusiasm and zeal and desire. heh.


i think the worst one is change.
but its inevitable.
I've changed.
i've become.
1. meaner. heh. i like to laugh at people.
2. kaypo-er..but not so much now
3. bias.
4. and in terms of behviour, choices, preferences, tolerance. the bars have shifted.

but its no big hooo hah..compared to all the beeeeg stuff people face in the world.


its only normal.

ok
im normal.

EEKK I DONT WANNA BE NORMAL.
nevermind if i wasnt normal.
nobody would know i was special anyway. =)

Hur Hur.
1:40 PM

i hate it when somebody constantly keeps rambling in my ear non-stop
esp negative stuff
you know anot!!!

applies to everybody

Hur Hur.
11:23 AM

sometimes i really wonder.
if im crazy.


i feel crazy.
so crazy.
i surprise myself.
and get shocked.
and shout ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
and then i hide.






please don't come near me.

i might get a heart attack.
ack.
ackk ackkk ackk ackkk.
ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk
ackkk ackkk ackkk ackkk ackk aackk aaaaaaaaack aaaaaaaack.
how am i not dead yet?

Hur Hur.
2:09 AM

time to let go?
it would be best.
but I know I've changed because of that. the possibilities i hold.
once, in my life and I hope never to repeat again.
to anything else similar.


but
its like smoking once u start, you've never really stopped.
until u taste/feel something bad and dislike it.
regret it.
but if u haven't, you yearn for more
am i right?
i know it and feel it.
and i haven't realised the bitterness
its as if there isn't any even as each puff starts to differ
leaving me confused. stuck.
but i know the final outcome of too much
may lead to death.
we all know
yet why do we still do it?
i do not understand but i know i will die if i proceed
but i do not care.
sometimes we do what we do because we want to. no reason
we are stupid this way but happier. we think.
we know. we hope.



and i want to quit something
a different thing
don't know how
cos i've tasted the bad
but did nothing all this while.
and so i may be rotting inside each day.



i don't smoke kay.

Hur Hur.
1:44 AM

bleah.
:S
ouch.

Hur Hur.
10:34 AM

im so tired.
of everything.

painting all day.
all night.
no rest.
nothing tolook forward to

you know what i wanna do
i just wanna chill with my old friends
but its so difficult cos everyone is busy
and everyone has new friends
and everyone has their own life

and i don't wanna be the enthu kia who is always wanting everybody to meet up.
cos im bad at it lah ok.
and im oso so busy
so lames.





im finding it already tough to like clique with new people
because im having those kinda feelings where
you know a certain grp of friends can never be replaced
so lames.
but ya.



ok bye.

and im so tired.
of going for band
when we are not moving
and its also my fault.
cos im so busy


and im so tired of log sessions
because it clashes with band
and i feel like i fell out with them
even before i did physically
its like a natural siphoning process (is that the right word)
and i now need to make time to get closer to them



most direct blog post ever.





all i know is that now
i feel like i only have 3 friends.
=(




aiya im just being emo.
im so demanding huh.
expect so much.
aiya.

but tml i will be happy again.
im so lame.

Hur Hur.
1:30 AM

dear blogger.

i keep dreaming of sad things
that make me cry at night =(

why? they are not even relevant.
its like...im making myself sad.
i keep dreaming of things that will never every happen.
things that put me in the spot.

this whole week...i cried every night except for 2 days. =(
even if i cant remember my dreams. i know i cried.


and today my eyes look like they have botox.
heng ah my double eyelids are there.




why?
is it cos im hungry?
is it cos im painting too much
turpentine?
cos i saw naked girl? worried that i might see naked guy?
cos i have nothing to look forward to everyday?
besides wanting to finish my work?
stress?


before i go to sleep i always feel sad too. =(
i don't know why.




seriously.
why am i so emo.









is there some pschological reason behind this?
the dreams i mean.

Hur Hur.
12:13 PM

hello orangeguitar.

im feeling so sad =(
sian.


i feel like doodling
a sad little monster
but i have no
pencil box here
and i dont ever doodle =(

big eye monster. with small mouth.


dont know whats gg on.
why can't things be simple and easy. =(

Hur Hur.
12:51 AM

I feel strange.
strange feeling of anti-socialness.
yet i dont want to not talk to people.


again im fickle thankew.

Hur Hur.
2:18 PM

hello blogger.
imnot sad.

im simply annoyed that im such a fickle person.
i decide on things too easily.
maybe today i want this.
but tml i think...maybe i dont.
but next day i think maybe i do.

such that. i just leave things alone as it is.
afraid to change anything.
because i myself am going back and forth about the same decision all the time.
and i guess not doing anything balances everything.

stupid reasons huh.


sometimes i wish people could help me make my decision.
or more like...act upon my decision for me.
do it for me.

so i dont have to do anything.



except say yes.






but i don't ask anyone for help.
not the people who can anyways.



because there are too many judging eyes ahahaha
and yet i blog everywhere.
secret blog, open blog, locked posts.


thus i am vague. hohohoh



and all i can do is blog
and help me think
help me make a decision.
for today at least.

Hur Hur.
12:48 AM

:(

Not black not white nor grey
but flickering between the three.
Not sure where to stay. Where is safe.
where has least guilt.
where has least disappointment.

Because you don't know what you want anymore.

Hur Hur.
4:14 AM

FARKING CB!

I TYPE SO MUCH THEN DISAPPEAR!
SO BLOODY ANGRY


TO SUM IT UP.

I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE WHO I DETEST
TO THE MAX. TO THE MAX THAT WINS EVERY ANNOYING PERSON ON EARTH.


I FARKING HATE YOU.
YOU HAVE NO BRAIN
YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY
THE WAY YOU TALK AND SOUND WILL MAKE MY EAR DRUMS BURST AND I FEEL LIKE FOAMING AT MOUTH AND LIKE GO INTO FITS OR SOMETHING


IF YOU KNOW ME
I ALWAYS GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO
EVERYONE!!! SERIOUSLY!

EVERYONE.
BUT YOU ARE NOT HUMAN.
YOU ARE FUCKING DUMB. SHIT.
NO BRAIN.
WASTE THE AIR.
CB.



GOD!!!
WHY DID U MAKE SUCH A PERSON!.



IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND KNOW WHO DON'T LAUGH.
IM REALLY UNHAPPY.



UGH.
WILL THAT PERSON SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
AND THINK.
THINK
THINK.


JUST BLOODY THINK!!!
JUST ABIT OSO CAN!.
SAY SOMETHING HUMAN







calm down.

ok you know...how i like to observe people.
figure out how they think... their behaviour...
why do they behave like that.

well you know. I think ive done enough observing.
my eyes are burning now. thankew.. cos observe too much lah.
sore eye only.

and its the little things..that make you realise.
that person is really sick.


pride being no.1
to the max. max max. max. theres an issue.





and im tried of being the good catholic.
being nice to forgive and forget.
cos i keep doingit over and over again
and
i fucking dont care.
mayve i should just say
i fucking hate you to the idiot.

and you can say all you want about me.
or my judgement is not fair.
or i myself am not a good person.



i am being the ultimate angel trying to be the good person so many times
that what ever the idiot says will only prove to everyone else that what i say is true.





i think you
should ..

ok you know what.
can't fix you.
dont want to go near even.

hopeless case.


be honoured.
one whole post for you. eugh.
because i only dislike 3 people in the entire world.
and it takes alot.

and you win the other 2 hands down.
great success...even i never thought it possible.






dislike you so much
if you died tml
from a murder or a car crash or something.
i wouldnt shed a tear. i'd think...karma.

if suicide...
i'd think.
wah...you mean now only then wake up?!













ugly side of denise.
very anger driven.
people forgive me.
but know that


i want to break your head.
so it will fucking shut up.

Hur Hur.
11:39 PM

there are a few types of people I am afraid of.

1. very big sized guys...(intentionally buff or just height and mass)
they just frighten me ok...and normally they smell..

2. the very determined. they are young(but look mature) they are cool they are successful and they look dao and everyone wants to know them (thus they are cool)
(because im not HAHAA. failure. they win)

3. People who look at me disappointedly...

4. people who i cannot read. who i cannot understand.



why must people change? =(


but i know i have. Not in a good way.

Hur Hur.
8:49 PM

sigh.

some people just really seem to be able to disappoint me in every and maybe even any single possible way.


=(

Hope someone's lucky then.

Hur Hur.
7:46 PM

omg im so emo suddenly.
ha ha ha laugh at me.
cos i don't know why.

its like. i lost my drive in life.
nothing excites me.

bye

Hur Hur.
1:56 AM

Surprise!!!!!!!!!
=(

Hur Hur.
1:52 PM

harro. ahah
ok so about the last problem.
HAHAHHAA
its still there.
so annoying huh.
but i decided not to care.
and just be a good catholic in areas where i know i can.
HHAHAHAHAHAHA


so simple huh.
geeeze i can slap myself.
but theres stil one more thing... hmmm ugh nvm. annoying man me.


i think im a super emo kid HAHHA
like. when my lappy was taken away from me i wanted to wallow in bed for an entire week.
HAHAHHA i damn cute pls. HAHAHAHA in the end fails. lappy came back. HAHA





you know if i were to be a sec 3 again.
i'd be the ones they notify the facils as.
hard to handle. or very loud or something.
and everyone will be..oh shitt i kenah that one. =.=
HAHHAHAA

I still feel my priest is trying very hard to accept me as a youth in one of the communities, one who people are to look up to.
my dressing my loudness my overhappiness (which makes me not seem serious)
nvm lah heck lah. not gg to change my personality for anything anyone.

last time i was damn quiet leh.
like sit one corner by myself one ahha

yar anyway it feels like in council again how my principle doesnt like me.
but ur peers like you.

and my friend was quite upset with me cos i looked so playful and keep laughing
and dont look serious. but i do my work ok. you know how much i get done.. =(
and then he saw how hardworking i am in council HAHA so later he was nicer to me. HAHA
KICK UR ASS HOHOHOHOHO




ok i dunno whats my point. haha
im not sad today...
=D

Hur Hur.
12:36 PM

hello blog
i am very sad and confused. because....
well ive done some thhinking about all my beating around the bush
and i finally understood myself somehow in someway.




as to what i want in life.
there is no compromise.
2 worlds. they clash
they clash depending on the degree of involvment
and i want both.
and its botha good thing.
but not together.

sucks.
like mid life crisis. HAHAHAH
but not what am i doing in life.
more like...what i want in life but cannot get
because its not possible.



denise is spoilt that way
she must have what she wants.
im the only one who can give me what i want
self sufficient that way.



you see how im thinking bloody asshole.
God is the one providing for me i mean.

but denise is also a very determined girl.
and does not ask for stupid things she know she cant acheieve
and works hard for what she wants.

Hur Hur.
1:04 PM

HELLO STUPID SECRET BLOG WHICH I KNOW PEOPLE READ!
BUT DUNNO WHAT PEOPLE.
DONT REALLY CARE.

HAHAA

anyway im damn screwed up! HAHAHAHHAHA
never thought this would happen...again? HAHAHA
CHEEBYEEE hhaha

ANYWAY im glad my friend is in the same shit as me. HAHAHA
MAKES IT MORE WRONG BUT SO MUCH MORE COMFORTING AHHAA

why am i laughing after every sentence? HAHAHAHA

eew damn gross.
i just vomited slightly.
im sick.
=(

yarh anyway confirmation camp for sec3s is coming up in 2 weeks.
WHICH IS SO NOT HELPING THE PROBLEM
AHAHAHAA
YOUNG CHILDREN SHOULD NOT TALK TO ME.

because.
im too open for my church i feel.
too vulgar
too violent
i laugh about the wrong things
i promote wrong shit.
and im to loud.


only thing that's right with me is i dont promote smoking or drugs. HAHA
OR ANY VOODOO SHIT.
haha oh i dont promote sex oso! HAHAHAHAHHAHA eeeeeeeeee!!!
hhahah

but i do not condemn those who do or judge.
is that good or bad?




SERIOUSLY. IM TOO LOUDDDDD!!!!!!!
TOO LOUD FOR MY JC
TOO LOUD FOR MY CHURCH
like there is some level of loudness that i cannot cross HHAA

BUT IM NOT TOO LOUD FOR LASALLE YET!!! HAHAHAH
anyway you know what
im so much more quieter now.
and so much more bimbo-er.
seriously.
i think it could be the thinner.


but im too soft for my home. HAHA
i dont even talk much at home haha



actually who can be too loud for lasalle.
its like a "must" to stand out. AHHAH stand out to fit in. HAHAH
oh the irony!!! but i like itt.
thats why i lurveeeeeeeeeee my new sch. HAHAH

dont even have much bitchyness HAHA
WHICH IS AMAZING!!!!
AND THE TEACHERS ARE AS COOL AND AS LOUD.

OH I LOVE MY SCH. =)
FUCKING COOL.
just never let me cut myself or take drugs. ahha
you knoww wthe stereotype.


im super beating around the bush lah
my problem is......
why im so screwed up. isss


HAHAHAHAH DON'T TELL YOU!
ONLY 1 FRIEND KNOWS.
oh gosh.


dont know why im so happy.
i should be damn sad. =(
because because.. it feels like there is a curse. heheh heh.
=(


catch no balls?
good.
eat some fish balls.

Hur Hur.
5:01 PM

you know it's so hard to be a friend.
when you create so many opportunities
but they just dont show up.
sometimes w/o warning.
pangseh last min.


getting sick and tired.

happened before.
gone for goood that one.
she didn't need/want us.
well. it was thus reciprocated.


show face doesn't count.
esp if you don't enjoy.
why go.



oh i think im like that to best friend and group. =(
but i dont pang seh. im just busy.



maybe i just dont understand how a_______ works.
sorry.

Hur Hur.
3:04 AM

HELLO.

btw this is my secret blog ya know?
HAHHA
IF YOU KNOW THEN GOOOD FOR U LAH pretend u dunno ok.
or i will feel like...damn weird HAH


ANYWAY.
i hope that
when I die.
somebody will like shwo this to my parents or children or what.
ok maybe not.
maybe put it into a book. or show best friend.

best friend is cheryl wong sher yee ok.
HAHA


anyway i dont know if we will be best friends then or what. anyway.






shocking
things that are happening in my life now.

1. my facebook is speaking in pirate HAHA SO CUTE! =) not the point tho ahah

2. i think im Asexual. meaning. im not sexually attracted to people or dont like the idea of sex ahah. but sometimes i dont. cos i have liked people before. but never sexually. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. its all in the personality. and eww i dont liek clubbing. i just like the company and alcohol ahhaand the bass. and so maybe im not. can i just dont classify myself. cos its scary. scully ten years time im like with a transvestite. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE choi. ahah ok
anyway. truth is i know im not.
HAHA
ok depends how they define the word lah. but im just not horny. eeeee. horny means shameful sia HAH. but i got like people before..im not unfeeling. ahha

3. im feeling like a bloody bad influence within the church. with the kind of lifestyle i have. which is what im not sure. i think the life style is of one that is "very accepting". as in...i have many lesbian friends or gay friends and im not ok. but like... i love my friends! yaaaa cos they are good people. and they are starting to grow on me..esp the close ones... but coming from a youth group from a church when young children look up to you...or are "supposed to" i feel so badddddd.
like baddddd like... you knoww the church is so strict. and thats why i like it.
i know the saying..whatt nomatter what you do God loves you. but i feel that if you love God no matter what you do you will put his interests 1st you know. like tit for tat. and like...i wont give up my friends!!!!! i will be so sad. ok so they are not telling me to give up my friends..but i feel that...my friends feel that..or lets say if my friend is the church. haha in a WHOLE haha that it feels im not in very good company. and i know. HAHHA but im not smoking or sexing or what right! haha or drugging aha. ok they dont aha. but yaaaa. its just that i feel the church is such a protected place... AND I LIKE. but i have my life outside church. where i am good oso. but i accept that bad things (church wise) are normal and understandable.
BUT ITS BAD hha. and i know. but i dont care. cos its not making people sad? i dunno. so im not feeling very comfortable that im like in the "not preffered" group...cos they are not goody goody.
BUT THEN...WHAT IF YOUR FAMILY IS NOT GOODY GOODY THEN HOWWW.

ok not making sense.
but anyway point is. i love my friends ahha
and i dont like how my "good" is labeled as somewhat "bad" in church terms.

anyway i think we might all drift away. soon.
or years later
we all do. eventually.
so dont worry so much.
but i think they are afraid that i am turninggg or being led astray or something. and its annoying.



so can i be happy and just be un sexed up. HAHHA for any gender or anything.
eeeeeeeee i feel so gross. HAHA
maybe im like whats that word? genophobic? ahah like scared of sex. ahah
well only if its me lah.EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


4. omg point 3 so long..ya point 3 is that i think wheni grow up.
i will probably be crazy. and move in to my neighbours house. buangkok green. HAHAHAHHAAH NOT FUNNY!.
today i saw outside my window...turn dark for 2 secs.
maybe airplane? but i never hear anything...damn quiet..and i htought it was a dragon..anyway ive been having hallucinations about the creepy thing. that happened in dec? and my dreams can like escape my head? like the sounds of my dream still continue when im awake? and the sound is from outside my head. like scary. uncontrolled. and my dreamssss sometimes.. come true abit? or maybe im just psychic. and im scared of sleeping sometimes...or all the time..cos if i dont cover my ear with my blanket and think of stuff before i sleep...my DAMN GOOD HEARING..which actually sucks...might enable me to hear stuff that i dont wanna hear.
and theni start to have lucid dreams.

im scared... i dont wanna grow crazyyy. cos i know im not and i know its all in my mind. i think its a kind of belief that im not normal. i never thought i was. annoying huh. its like the world revolved around me. which is not. duhh. but dont you feel like it is sometimes.

and im not gg to mention it anywhere in my blog or to my friends or to my parents anymore. cos it will scare them and im just being a pain in the ass with an overactive mind...


YOU THINK I SHOULD WRITE A NOVEL? =) MAYBE I CAN EARN ALOT OF MONEY WITH MY CRAZY MIND! =) OK HYPERACTIVE.



5.i have no confidence in my future. like financially or like job wise. cos im so lazy and choosy. and i always think i will have a good future cos thats what all the fortune tellers say...ee. bad for my determination huh..like complacency. but im not scared now. cos im youngHAHHA so i must be the best in school! HAHHAHA

6. i think i should not talk so squeaky anymore. baddd for image. HAHA like i dont look cool aha. ok maybe im a loser. BUT NOT A CERTIFIED BY COMMUNITY LOSER..by myself... i say i loser. so im cooL. hahh AHAHA SHUDDAP DENISE! hahha ok but i dont wanan be 20 plus and still sound like this its like annoying.

7. i feel that when i speak normally. i acknowledge that im not 10. im 20.
thats why when i talk to myself IN MY HEAD. like now..its low..and sexayyy thankew. HAHHA its like some magical happening. ahah when i accept. it will change! haha

8. i think i have learned to deal with monster mummy....and her hurts. cos i think my heart has hardened...muahhahaa. only when it comes from her lah.

9. i think my mind. is powerful... MUAHAHAHA. LIKE..if i think hard enough..i can move objects HAHHA KIDDING i wish. hope not. ee. normal is good for me. but i think im speciallll. ahha

10. dont mind me. im just an annoying 20 year old who is in her own world. where she can do anything and is anything she believes she is.


ok.

Hur Hur.
1:23 AM

hello.
so i just read all my posts back to 1 yr ago..
wow.

so emo. HAHA

anyway that incident that happened recently.
i got over it in like 2 hrs.

i think i am becoming either super girl
or heartless =)
well no time to be sad.cos i gotta finish a whole lotta work.
and honestly i think its harder than Alvl. i different kind of tough.



so after reading allmy old posts. i realised.
1. i totally dont care or want to care about coyfoy already. give up.

2. don't wanna bring her (not coyfoy) to yiss already. cos i oso give up and find she is fine and happy and i am happy. in other words i oso give up. well i dont talk to her much but love her much.

3.im like totally immuned to the may fiasco.

4. i dont care when it will be my turn. cos im totally not interested. cos i made of stone from all the shit recently thanks.

5. i used to want tohelp other people with their problems so bad til it actually hurt...and now i just give a listening ear..and i dont know how to help anymore. i could. but i'll just listen. cos i forgot how to help. cos i dont even try to rememebr how to cos i am heartless.

6. i dare not read through my whole wonderful ordeal in yiss. cos i am too guilty =(

7. i miss sac days. where everything was funny ahah

haha lazy to read already...i bore myself HAHA
BUT IT WAS NICE TO SEE MY LIFE FLASH BEFORE MY EYES! =)
but it was quite sad really. HAHHA but its ok. this is emo blog.


anyway on a more touchy note.
now in spore there has been alot of news on LGBTs.
dunno what lahh what AWARE shit and pink dot movement.
and people all around me are turning les. or i find out they are les.
it shocking!!!! i must say.
like my old friends.
suddenly i hear they turn that way! like how come i so dum dum oso dunno.
and even in my church!!!
like seriously.
and in my sch there is like so many pls. HAHA
In sac oso EVEN MORE MANY AH! hahhaha my english is so pro
and now im not sure what my friend is. she like turned straight then become bung again ah? i dunno...really no ideaa
and now i have a few gay friends! its funneh! they so fun.
and then i just told my friend bout the pink dot event and she say she may go.
and i was like..ahhhhh!! she oso???

anyway my point is that...
this LGBT thing is like growing in spore..really.
its like a trend.
and its all around me.
and yes of course i have been thinking where do i stand.
and i have decided.
i am nonosexual.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
cos i just cant seem to like anybody for more than a few weeks.
ya really.
and i aint sexual. HAHAHHAA
and i am actually happy. yes!!!
and i dont understand why some people just need to be with another person to behappy.


but you know what!!!
last time i was BI.
HAHAHAH
pls. if you were in sac. who wasn't
HAAHHAHAHAHAA

But i always think girls are so much better looking than guys.
cos guys are sometimes very dirty and dirty and sweaty and cannot dress well.
HAHAHHAHAAH
but thats all.

and i think that all this LGBT thing...can actually spark off more easily when
your sch or work place has ugly opp sex people. HAHHAHAHAHA


LIKE CJ! CJ EVERYBODY SO GOOD LOOKING! THE GUYS! WOOH!
so much better than lasalle pls!!
haha
the gay percentage was like. 1%? HAHAHAHA

really. HAHA.


ya i just said lasalle guys suck.
YES WHAT! HAHA


THATS WHY i post here. HAHAHAHA




I HOPE NO ONE STILL READS THIS PLACE!! AHHAHA
but my stat counted put 200 hits.
since last last month.
dun care ah.

Hur Hur.
2:52 PM

no
you are the ugly one!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
i hate you!
how can you say that.
selfish.


you say i am
but what are u


i just want to rest after my days of hell
of no sleep and all work and no play.


IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK
i say i'll help and you say i dont mean it


WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!!!


IT SEEMS THAT ALL YOU WANT TO DO
IS TO MAKE ME CRY.


and then u go follow my in my room
to shoot at me hurtful words
just because i said i dont want to move stuff
id find people for you instead.
and i dont want to paint your wall just because you know i can.
!!!!!


and when i say i will
you're not happy!


WTH
I THINK THE POINT OF THE CONVO IS JUST TO HURT ME ISSIT!!!

FUCK!






and the convo started with...
so how was the interview...
















HAVEN'T YOU HEARED OF BEING TACTFUL AND UNDERSTANDING AND WORKING OUT AN AGREEMENT!








Funnily.
im feeling not as bad
this is one of the worst she's called me.
its like she herself needs more harsh words to get that feeling going for her.


ive really become more numb each day.
really.


i cry.
but its like a bodily fuction.
but i dont really feel anything
but disgust for the type of person my mum is.


i dont even care what she calls me.
cos i know.
im not doing anything bad
i do my best to be a good girl
i dont get piercings
i dont get tattoos
i dont go out late
i just stay home and do work
i dont smoke.

what.


not fair.
really


people say..people all around the world feel like you at some point
so im not gg to say no one understand me.




but i must say
no one has had a mother like mine.

she can be comapred to those psycho moms.
really.
well that. i guess ome people have
but my mothers behaviour is out of choice.


no one ever taught her how to be nice i guess.

Hur Hur.
8:15 PM