Ahhh i don't know whats wrong with me...have been doing abit too much thinking....brace yourselves...this is no happy post...

Its 6pm..and i'm contemplating whether i should got for mass...i know i should...but i don't know why. i just don't feel like i should go today...but then i feel bad..whats holding me back?

while looking back at my previous posts....they all seem so...happy? joyful? why? people say im always bubbly and cheerful...am i really? i don't really notice...maybe i just respond funny..laugh alot? yeah i do...but am i happy? nah just thoroughly amused...i get amused easily...christmas lights...haha... see i laugh alot... but am i really laughing? im not laughing from where im typing am i? i smile alot? do my smiles seem fake? i've never given a fake smile...but i don't have to be happy to smile...im just a good actress...hah...but this doesn't mean im upset...if i'm upset..u'll know... i won't even be bothered to try to smile... do i contradict myself? constantly... im a complex character...who gets amused easily by christmas lights...

maybe im just dead bored with no one to talk to me at home with to much time to think or perhaps even talk to myself...if i were a sim...(u know the game) i'd be a popularity sim...those who must talk alot spend time with people or their social meter gets drained easily...i tell u when im happy...when im with my friends...depends who...Logers...yep... some school friends...( i won't state who)....hey guess what...now with school gone...i have so lil friends left... wow... at least now its easier to classify the life long friends list... i'm such a loser...gah....well i just don't like the feeling of emptiness...though my head is so full of stuff that contradict every sentence i conjure up...i really can't wait for poly to start...

u know what makes me really happy...doing God's will...it never fails to make me happy...why shouldn't i....so why am i not going church? its already 6.25 pm...im too late...singing makes me happy...guitar doesn't make me happy anymore...its just music to accompany my singing...guitar lovers why don't you just stone me...i'm ungrateful....drawing now is just a waste of time as well... but why am i drawing...when i start i have to end what i draw pretty...im a perfectionist... why do i even blog? because this is how i can be true to myself? but others are looking at it right? then why am i inviting everyone into my complex mind...? i really don't understand myself....

i only know one thing for sure about myself...if i were a lit character that needed analysis i would say...i like attention...hey its right there in on my 'loves' list on my blog...is this blog for attention? or perhaps my brain just can't hold in so much information... i just know i never want to be unnoticed...wherever...i guess its because i was like that last time...then people would just push me around...the worst was in kindergarten...so shy..always bullied..or just plain innocently stupid? i can still remember... i can still remember when i was a baby i fell of the bed..hey...maybe i should just empty all those memories and make space for all this crap...

uncle's family gonna come back from hongkong tml...can't say im happy...im really the opposite...staying in the same house as me...hey i don't even have my own house i live in my grandpa's house...i wanna be happy...like really happy...till i cry haha...like how when u experience God's love then ur touched...maybe i need another retreat...i guess this phase is just temporary...

wait let me put on my mask...

oooh i just love adam broady...havent seen him on tv for a long time...haha so cute..the only guy on tv i actually find cute....

takes of mask...

imagine me saying that...its not me...but i really do like adam broady... im not a bimbo...i won't squeal in excitement at the sight of him...its not me...what is me? this? this post? or is this one of my many facets? or am i just confusing myself thing too much? i guess i really am like feste in 12th night...is that why i got the role? or i just act good? or funny? hey i was right when i said the problem going on with the eight was just like the story of 12th night... frankly...i don't like the play...it insults me...its amusing...(just like that whole month of confusing and strained relationships...)but only to the extent of insults mistaken identity and gay humour(see how identical..esp the last part...blame my school)... but i do like feste...

will this post ever end? its so meaningless...lets make it meaningful then end it..'lets?' did i say 'lets' im going insane talking to myself...hey i have no split personality...thats what they all say...im not 'they all'....u wanna talk split personality..talk about my uncle...im serious...something is seriously wrong....not the one thats gonna stay in the same house as me haha...

i really need to find myself...i thought i did...but i just confuse myself all over again...now i have to look back at all i just said and look at all the times God called out, spoke to me and sent me blessings all between the lines that i just did not take notice or listen...like the butterfly that came down and touched me but i brushed away.... i must have brushed away a hundred butterflies while writing this post...now i have to go grab a net and catch them back....

now please excuse me...

for all i've said...for i have just contradicted myself on the whole session that rice and i did just yesterday...anyway...i hope this post actually helped open some eyes sprirtually...i know its a weird method...trust me it was unintentional...i was only enlightened at the end of my post...now see i've found my reason for this post...and no it wasn't attention...God speaks to me in interesting ways haha...



now im truly happy....


after reading i know who were the two people in the "'lets' make it meaningful" it was me and the butterfly that i noticed on my shoulder...

Praise God.

Hur Hur.
7:15 PM