havent blogged in a long while...no time..internet's screwed up...

well just now we had a Log session done by anne and joan..about how God has touched us in our lives...this week especially. And there was this reflection bit about how you've experienced God's love in this past week and they asked us to share...hearing all they're sharings really touched me.. and so i as well tried to reflect on my past week...

I think i may be too self absorbed, oblivious to my surroundings, or just plain blind..(oh look how my blog song fits... ) but..after looking back at my past week...all i remembered was homework, projects, quarrels, gossiping and not going for mass and being too tired to do anything after school. Where was God in my week? I didn't know. I simply could not feel his love even after trying so hard...i could not. Why? i asked myself...where was he? was he there right beside me? i couldnt feel his presence...fancy me writing the assembly prayer about how we should open our eyes to God's love in our lives...i contradict myself..

why..whats happened to me...what happened to the days where i used to visit church everyday and just reserve at least an hour of my day for him...at least..its not easy..i still cant find him..but i've not been searching. I've been to busy with my own life. how selfish of me. ive been getting worse. esp this past week. im selfish, lazy, proud, mean, i laugh at others, i rub things in, im not making things better for people, im making things worse and i cant change the things i know i must, i feel powerless and...

i wanted to live large for God, i prayed it everyday, i prayed i could make a difference in school in peoples lives..i think i sound like a saint here...but now..i feel im the opposite...especially after whats been happening in school...shes infamous in school now. i think its my fault, all the gossiping, the poking fun, the mean jokes that just went to far and i did nothing, nows she has to see a councillor...i feel bad..this is stupid. im stupid..and the guy..thats not as bad, but i refuse to do anything to help, im too proud and im too scared and im fine with just ignoring. but a whole bunch of people doing that is just mean...and i contribute to that..and that day when i could do nothing, i dont condemn them for curiosity...i was too...but luckily i walked off. i almost stayed. but i could not do anything..i felt useless, that was one aspect of life(i think its the opp of life haha) i truly fear, but not for myself. okay i dont make sense..only 2 loggers know. all i could do was save 2. i sound like a superhero..im not. what about the rest.. frankly i wasnt scared at all, but the only emotion left in me was anger. havent felt that in a long time.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change..
anymore..
even though i could have..


is Nise 3/4 Nice..like rice..i think she managed to keep it that was..but now i feel only 1/4 nice..or maybe even less.

shit i missed singapore idol..stupid.. i hope they repeat it..

i miss him so..its hard for me to tell myself..hes there..open your eyes..im opening...but im not seeing...i need a break..i need to find him..then after the sharing they sand.."i love you jesus! deep down in my heart!x2" i sang it..it was hard...they sang it with such enthusiasm..i couldn't..i was thinking..i do..i do...or was it i did..but i do..but if i did..why am i doing such things..im so stupid..call myself a logger..im not doing anything...im doing the opposite..im a bitch! hahaha nooooo never! i better change...hahaha

"feel GOD
best feeling in the world." olivers msn nick.

"love is definitely a feeling. hahaha.
God is still looking for YOU :)" tim soo's msn nick

"i lurk you.
love you orchard!" anne's nick ..hahaha put that down for fun..
oooh what did i see in island creamery ah! haha


anyway..the 1st 2 loggers msn nick...i saw it on msn..and i was like..lucky them..i couldnt help but feel a lil jealous...but anne said.."love is never jealous"..so...im on the wrong track!! i must look for him again...under the rug? in the fish tank? i dunno just look!!! haha..but these msn nicks touched me as well...i missed that best feeling in the world..God's love...God is still looking for me...i know he can see me...i think i just cant see him (flashback to donghaeng.net...about distance...check it out (http://www.donghaeng.net/english/main.htm)) haha i laugh at myself..but im not even at the telescope yet...sigh..

im Glad the rest of the loggers or most..can feel him by the're side...i just hope i can too..soo...i think im still blind...but i dont feel log love as well...(but i havent been reading the blog hur hur)...dont stone me.! i do see the love in log lah...but i dont feel it in me..i just feel detached i guess...from everything except stress and worries... i just feel im like wearing a big metal armour...disabling me from my sense of touch and feeling... except pain when its too late and someone sticks a sword into your heart.. how depressing



anyway
haha..while writing this post..God told me 2 things..
one of them was..

where'd you go
i missed you so
seems like its been forever
since you've been gone.. ( fort minor ahhaa)

since ive been gone...where did i go...where did i go wrong.



Father Lord..may i ask you to pin my eyes wide open with your fingers 24/7 and make them even bigger then they already are and look right into them and shout "i'm here stupid!" then give me a big BIG hug! and accept me for who i am and what ive become..blind deaf and dumb towards you so that i may feel your love and taste your goodness once again. And then..Don't ever let me go! Because a life without you totally sucks!

Nise-

Hur Hur.
8:45 PM